Saturday, September 16, 2006

Awards from Writers

Ten Industry Honors That Writers Would Like to Award

1. The Astronomical Jackass Pin: for Rudest Remark Delivered While Intoxicated at a Publishing Event, Con or Cocktail Party. (Pin may not be applied to lips of the winner)

2. The Bronstein Stone: for Sincerest Effort to Politically Puke on Other Industry Professionals. (Available in Blue or Red only; resin base will be a standard beige-pink vomit color)

3. The Coppafeel/Sacred Cow Plaque: for Best Attempt to Grope an Award-Winning Author in Public. 2006 Winner Selected!

4. The Fried Optic Nerve Medallion: for Special Achievement in Utterly Inappropriate or Ridiculous Cover Art. (Guide dogs provided at no charge for victimized authors attending the award banquet)

5. The Kiss Me First Award: for Publisher Excellence in Stalling, Misplacing or Forgetting Royalty Payments. (Nominee cap 3,000 maximum)

6. The Oh Bite Me Star: for Accomplishment in Self-Publishing Inaccurate, Misspelled, Plot Spoiler or Vindictive Hatchet Job Reviews by a Non-professional. (Nominee cap 300,000 maximum)

6a. The Oh Bite Me Star with Green Clusters: for Most Hatchet Job Reviews Written by an Unemployed Editor or Former Pro Writer. (Industry trade reviewer staff automatically nominated)

7. The Order of Restraining Scroll: for Superior Effort in Cyber-Stalking an Author. (Winner to get bail bondsman gift certificate this year!)

8. The Sisters of the Immaculate Love Scene Cross: for Dedicated Effort to Police and Suppress Writer Thought, Speech and Work. (RWA Nominees Only)

9. The Wet Lips Ribbon: for Largest Amount of Saliva Produced by a Fan in an Author's Face During a Single Booksigning. (Need volunteer presenter again this year)

10. The Whiskey Tango Foxtrot Trophy: for Most Muddled Set of Revision Requests from an Editor. (Trophy title to be revised)

13 comments:

  1. You forgot the "Wine Bottle for Longest Years" for would-be writer to bitch about writing, complain about it, read books about it, chat, etc., without EVERY putting pencil/pen to paper or fingertips to keyboard.

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  2. I linked to you - I hope that's OK.

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  3. ~off in a fit of hysterical giggles~

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  4. "The Coppafeel/Sacred Cow Plaque: for Best Attempt to Grope an Award-Winning Author in Public. 2006 Winner Selected!"

    Does his name rhyme with "Arlan Rellison"?

    "7. The Order of Restraining Scroll: for Superior Effort in Cyber-Stalking an Author. (Winner to get bail bondsman gift certificate this year!)"

    That dude from the MWA Internet group who keeps doling out unwanted advice every time I ask a question because I dared to suggest hospitals, where he "volunteered for years!" were anything less than a fortress. (Hint: I worked in one in 1997 as a PC tech. I could have build a dirty bomb by sneaking into radiology on my lunchbreak.)

    "10. The Whiskey Tango Foxtrot Trophy: for Most Muddled Set of Revision Requests from an Editor. (Trophy title to be revised)"

    Can I nominate an agent?

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  5. I'm giggling over the cross!

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  6. The 'You Don't Getta Piece of That Cake' Bumper Sticker for authors who write boring non fiction books about a fictive subject, and accuse authors who write a not-boring novels about the subject of plagiarism.
    (It may take a few years to decide the winner but our lawyers will sort it out.)

    The Catch Me If You Can Badge for authors who plagiarise, steal entire chapters, and lie about their lives. (You can apply under fake names.)

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  7. man... did i miss something...

    "The Coppafeel/Sacred Cow Plaque: for Best Attempt to Grope an Award-Winning Author in Public. 2006 Winner Selected"

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  8. Lleeo1:27 AM

    I can see myself being nominated for #9, sad, sad pathetic fan that I am. But I don't slobber, I swear! =)

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  9. Shiloh: Possibly this. Certainly deserves a nomination, at least.

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  10. It wasn't enough to link. I had to do more.

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  11. How about this one: The "Golden Gag" - to be fitted over mouth - for non-writer acquaintances who think they are soooo amusing when they stridently introduce you as a writer of "trashy novels."

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  12. I think it's definitely possible for one person to win more than one of these awards.

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