Friday 20

Eva Longoria is writing a romance (aka raunchy) novel. Pete Doherty, whenever he's out on bail next, is publishing a rock-n-roll tell-all. Hell, even Pam got a book deal. It's all about scandal: sex, drugs, and sleeping with Kate Moss obviously make fine literary topics.

Problem is, how do you successfully make the leap from media magnet celebrity to bestselling author? Aren't there things like actual books involved? What if the only thing you've ever written was your name at the bottom of the check at The Ivy?

Never fear, PBW is here.

Ten Tips for New Celebrity Authors

1. Find out what a book is. A book is like a script or sheet music, only a whole lot longer. There's a picture on the front cover, it's single-spaced and there are some really big words in it. There are no camera directions or musical notes. Your reader will recognize some dialogue, but it's mixed up with paragraphs of things called action and exposition and setting. Books are things that smart but unattractive people read instead of going to the movies or watching television.

2. Learn how to read. You may have to read some of your book out loud at your public appearances. This is called a "reading" and they don't let someone else do it for you. I know it's a pain, but remember what happened to Milli Vanilli -- you don't want to get caught lip-synching at your first "reading" with your own book upside-down in your hands, right?

3. Go to bookstores. This is the place where they're going to be selling your book. It's a store filled with other books. No, yours can't be the only book they sell, but it will be placed in the very front on the nicest shelves where everyone who walks in can see it.

4. Practice signing your book. There are no cocktail napkins or 8 X 10 glossies at booksignings; you have to sign the actual product. Not on the front cover, either; that messes up the pretty picture on it. Open the book and go to the title page. That's the one that has "by (your name)" on it. Sign right under your name.

5. Know your new literary agent. This is the person who gets you those seven-figure book deals. Like Broadway actors, literary agents all hang out in New York. They're very nice people, but they probably won't bail you out of the drunk tank or admit you to detox; remember to call your Hollywood agent for those things.

6. Don't angst over size. In the book industry, it's who writes the best story, not how large and perky the book looks. Just because Hilary Clinton's book has more pages and more big words in it doesn't mean that it's better than yours.

7. Don't get hysterical over your cover art. Cover art is the pretty picture on the front of your book. Armani doesn't do them and you can't fly to Paris and buy something better. It's true that Jackie Collins got that nifty leopardskin on hers, but I bet they'll emboss and glitterize your title font to make yours even prettier.

8. Thank your ghost writer. This is a real writer whom some underling at your publisher pays a tiny amount of money to write your book for you. You don't have to meet, but it's nice to say thank you to this person. Or just have your literary agent take care of it for you.

9. Don't get upset if your book isn't nominated for the National Book Award. Of course Stephen King got one, and he's been in tons of movies, but that was sort of a one-time-only fluke. If it makes you feel better, the only authors who usually win the NBA are poor people who can't make a living writing books. Which is definitely NOT YOU, babe.

10. Write your next book. Sure, publishing is dreary, and your publisher is run by a lot of women with damp hands, severe cellulite problems and horrible wardrobes, but is there any easier way to make seven figures? Exactly. Get that ghost writer moving.

As for the rest of you, any questions for me this week?