Writerisms

Ten Things Writers Say, Translated

1. "I am submitting my story for your consideration."

My husband finally pried this out of my white-knuckled hands and mailed it.

2. "My novel is progressing nicely."

I'm sitting here, covered in sweat and staring at a blank page one, would you get the hell away from me?

3. "Oh, I don't mind getting bad reviews."

That reviewer? Is so going to die a horrible death in my next novel.

4. "I'm satisfied with the advance offer."

I thought Lincoln freed the slaves.

5. "I've never read (insert more famous writer's name) but my (wife, husband, dog) loves her books."

I've read every damn word she's written and my molars are gone.

6. "I attended Famous Snotty Writing workshop."

I paid several thousand dollars to listen to some has-been jackass tell me why I can't write. Now I have to act like it was worth it.

7. "Although I did not win Big Important Industry Award, I am glad to see Jane Doe did."

Jane Doe better never step out in front of my car.

8. "Copies of my book are getting hard to find."

Shit, they've remaindering them already?

9. "I love my editor."

Yeah, right. Bitch.

10. "I look forward to hearing from you."

My car needs a new transmission, my hot water heater just blew and the cat is pregnant. Again. And the ink on these pages? Might as well be my blood. Look, pal, I know I'm not your problem. I'm not asking for the world, just a chance. How about giving me one?