Open Wide

Ten Things Said During Oral Surgery

1. "Open up a little more."

If I open any more, the hinges are going to reverse and my face will turn inside out. Second, more interested thought: I could use that in a novel . . .

2. "This will probably take four to seven hours."

Why? It didn't take God that long to divide the firmament.

3. "Not to worry. If you get testy, I'll slap you around."

For a man whose testicles are four inches from my fingernails, you're brave.

4. "It's like labor and delivery, huh?"

Nobody better hand me a baby when we're done.

5. "This is going to burn a little."

(many words I don't let the children hear.) Oh, you think?

6. "I'll get you a little more anesthesia."

Whoa, lady, six shots aren't enough? Ten seconds later: Six shots aren't enough.

7. "You haven't complained once."

Kind of hard to talk around four hands, two drills and a suction tube.

8. "You're doing fine."

Why can't I pay someone to do this for me?

9. (Doctor to assistant, who is hilarious) "Will you stop making my patient laugh?"

Wait a minute, where did all that gauze that was just in my mouth go?

10. "See you in two weeks."

(whimper)