The Brotherhood

As always I reserve the right to make fun of anyone who SPAMs me, even when it's a secret society:

Are you a business man?

Nope.

Business woman ?

Yep.

Artist?

Sure.

Politicians?

No, thank you.

Student?

I have one of my own, thanks.

Etc...And you want to become Big and Rich, Protections and Powerful, famous, Promoting your Job office position and make your company product the most popular and best seller in the world, join us to become one of our official [kindness duct tape] brotherhood member today and you shall be given a chance to visit the [kindness duct tape] initiation center and his representative after registrations are completed by you,

I want to become smaller, actually. Did you know I've lost 26 lbs. since January? And I didn't join a church or anything. I thought brotherhoods were for men. Is English like your third or fourth language?

[kindness duct tape] brotherhood brings along wealth and famous in life, you have a full access to eradicate poverty away from your life now.

You ran this through Babel Fish, didn't you? Dude, stick a crowbar in the church donation box and hire a translator. Seriously.

It is only a member who has been initiated into the church of [kindness duct tape] that have the authority to bring any member to the church, so the [kindness duct tape] initiation for this year new members is available now Join us today and realize your dreams.

So this is like a pyramid thing, then. I become a member, and I bring another member, and then he brings another, and we all gather in your church and . . . initiate each other? Wait, are there like virgins involved in this?

Once you become a member you will be Rich true whatever you are doing on this planet as your occupation more ideals will be giving to you and protected and as an actor or actress Politicians you will be famous and powerful for the rest of your life, the [kindness duct tape] makes they members happy so

Okay, this is really starting to sound like a blackmail porn church.

Join and be one of the successful Person on earth

What about Mars? I'm thinking of going on one of those volunteer missions. Kidding. I read Ray Bradbury; I'd never willingly go to Mars.

if you are interested fill the form below to the below email address to enable the [kindness duct tape] registration department process your membership and an invitation for the initiation will be send to you wherever you are in any part of the World.

Send it to Mars. Better yet, take it to Mars.

Well

I always reserve the right to make fun of anyone who SPAMs me. You have been warned many, many times, yes?

Hi,

Hope you are well.

No, you don't. You don't know me. I could be in an iron lung and you'd be completely clueless. So get on with it.

We have a dedicated team of 50 professional’s who are backed by experience and expertise.

Marvelous. Maybe they could teach you how to use contractions correctly.

Has your website become the victim of Google Panda and Penguin update, resulting the down ranking in search engines?

I have no idea what my ranking was, and what it is now is equally of no interest to me. I am intrigued by the idea of being a victim of pandas and penguins, though. What does Google make them do, cute people to death?

Do you want to get more targeted visitors on your website?

I should ask first. Hey guys, do you want this SPAMmer to paint bulls-eyes on your heads for me? Let me know.

If yes, please let us know your domain name which you want to optimize.

Sure. Go with www.pbwdoesn'tcare.com (<-----See? Contraction used correctly)

We will analysis your website and send full SEO proposal with plan and activities which will be implemented on your website.

As opposed to say, taking a couple more classes in English to analysis your fluency?

Most firms overseas have achieved a significant amount of savings by outsourcing either complete or part of their SEO.

Alas, not a firm. Not overseas. Don't SEO anything. Write my own schlock. Haven't spent a dime on the blog, either. So really nothing to save or outsource. I know this will make you hate me, but there you have it.

Let me know if you are interested I would be Happy to send you more details.

While you're At it, Ask your Dedicated team of experienced, expert professional's if they Know anything about how to Eliminate Random capitalization.

Blogger SPAM

I always reserve the right to make fun of anyone who SPAMs me -- including my own blog host:

Starting March 23, 2015, you won't be able to publicly share images and videos that are sexually explicit or show graphic nudity on Blogger.

Because I'm, what, Sexy Back Writer now?

Note: We’ll still allow nudity if the content offers a substantial public benefit. For example, in artistic, educational, documentary, or scientific contexts.

You know, that's what every twerp says when his mother finds his sticky little Playboy stash: "Geez, Mom, they were substantially beneficial to me."

Changes you’ll see to your existing blogs: If your existing blog doesn’t have any sexually explicit or graphic nude images or video on it, you won’t notice any changes.

Kinda doubt there is anything I've done that qualifies. Well, this cover. And this one before I convinced them to put a shirt on him. Or are you doing the gender double standard thing and not counting naked male chests?

If your existing blog does have sexually explicit or graphic nude images or video, your blog will be made private after March 23, 2015. No content will be deleted, but private content can only be seen by the owner or admins of the blog and the people who the owner has shared the blog with.

Okay, so if PBW suddenly vanishes this time it will be entirely due to your uptight, unwarranted and unwelcome censorship. Gotcha.

Settings you can update for existing blogs, blah blah blah

Oh, bite me. Wait, only if it offers a substantial public benefit!

Floating Comma Hidden SPAM

I always reserve the right to make fun of anyone who SPAMs me, even when English is obviously not their first language:

Dear Sir ，

So this is already starting out well. What?

This is [Kindness Duct Tape] from [Kindness Duct Tape] and thanks for your time to read this email.

Eh. I needed a blog post for today.

[Kindness Duct Tape] is [yada yada yada] and we have more than 100 million users all over the world.

Counting people who read your SPAM is cheating, you know. Hey, how did you get that comma after Sir to do that?

Our main products are about [yada]， [yada]， [yada]， [yada]， and more [yada].

They just kind of float, don't they? Like little balloon commas.

Now our targets are as below :

Lo siento, pero no hablo estupido.

1. Is it available that we make advertisement on your websites and we pay for your nice working?

Alas, have no websites. Is nice working that thing we do when we say "No problem" to a client when we really mean "You're an unpleasant demanding ass who can't edit or write your way out of a paper bag, but I'd like to get paid so I don't have to sell a kidney to pay for my medical insurance premium"? If so I can nice work all day long. I should add that to my resume: Nice worker +15 years.

2. Is it available that we post on your websites and we pay for your nice working?

Okay, so that's not it. Maybe you mean networking? You should really stop using Babel Fish, you know. It's hardly ever right.

We make very high diacount of our products ，and put it in your websites or put it in your newsletter part， and we share the total sales.

I love the floating commas, but I'll be honest: I'm afraid you'll infect me with your crap spelling and your inability to hit the space bar at the correct moment.

any suggestion, kindly let me know.

Hire someone whose first language is English. You'll never regret the investment. Trust me.

Looking forward to hear you soon.

Turn your ear to the south. I should be shrieking any minute now.

Thanks Sincerely，

I want one of those commas!!!!!!!

You Like Me, You Really Like Me! For £50

As always I reserve the right to make fun of anyone who SPAMs me. Especially someone trying to sell me friends:

My name is [Kindness Duct Tape] and I am the manager of [Kindness Duct Tape]. I hope it's okme sending you an email out of the blue.

Sorry, but okme is not an adjective. Or a word.

I hope 2014 is treating you well!

Right, because if I was depressed, destitute and/or semi-suicidal you would actually care, and those dreadful feelings would keep you up nights walking the floor and worrying about what harm I might do to myself. *Yawn* Can we get on with it?

We now have a database with around 750,000 people who have joined in our online lifestyle survey. These individuals are all looking for companies like yours to interact with through your Facebook or Twitter pages.

Alas, I'm not a company, and I have no Facebook or Twitter page. But hey, do you think they want something to read? I mean, other than your fascinating online lifestyle survey?

We can categorise these individuals dependant on their interests and direct them to your page once an order is placed.

Okay. So buy 750,000 copies of my book and I'll make a Facebook page (no, I won't, but this is because I know you won't buy 750,000 copies. This is me toying with you.)

Geographics plays a part in this, and will also let you specify particular locales.

Oh, cool. Okay, Antarctica. I want everyone in Antarctica to fake-like my non-existant Facebook and Twitter pages. Can you do that? It's only like, what -- three lonely scientists, a couple dozen walruses and nine million penguins, right?

We now have a countless number of prospective clients unique to your business so please get in touch if you think this may benefit you.

What? I'm not the only one you're SPAMming, am I? And here I was going to create a Facebook page for you, you heartless bastard.

Prices from :-

£50 or $82 for 2,000 Facebook Likes

£50 or $82 for 6,000 Instagram followers

£45 or $74 for 7,000 Twitter followers

£50 or $82 for 30,000 YouTube Views

And this would be why I'm not on Facebook or Twitter or Instagram (okay, I have a YouTube account, somewhere, but I'm really more of a Vimeo gal.) You do understand that paying people to fake-like you is the definition of online stupidity, yes?

If a new customer logs on to your Facebook page and can see that you have 7000 likes compared to your rivals with just 350 likes, they tend to side with you even without considering price differences.

Sure, every customer thinks "I'm going to pay more for something because more people have fake-liked you." Dude, that is so not okme.

A free trial is available for genuine buyers.

Now you're implying I could be fake? Just like all the likes and followers and views you're peddling? Does that mean I can charge you for me? That will be a thousand dollars. I take checks and Paypal.

Assuming your company is looking to target new clients we also sell emails lists of individuals interested in what you are offering. Please message back for further details.

Assuming I'm on one of those lists now. Thanks for nothing. Where's my check?

I hope you don’t mind me shooting you--

Okay, keep the thousand bucks. I'm not that destitute.

--this email and I look forward to being able to help you at some point in the future.

Got an aspirin?

SPAMmed Again

E-mail to the friends/family/reader account, posted without permission (you SPAM me, you take your chances):

Subject: 1st Page On Google!!!
Date: 8/28/2013 3:32:04 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time
From: [kindness duct tape]
Reply To:
To: Send IM to: LynnViehlLynnViehl@aol.com

Hi, LynnViehl@aol.com

Hi, Clueless@WhereTheHeckIsThat.com.

I am [kindness duct tape], Online SEO Consultant.

Uh-huh. Do you know that your given name is pretty close to a very rude English word for booty, and I'm not talking about the pirate variety?

As per the trends in your industry – over 80% of people search for your products/services online and buy the same.

Really? 80% of people search for and want to buy my books? Wow, I'd better call my editor; we're going to need a bigger first print run.

These rankings also influence other channels of sales as well.

Sure. Just think of what all my sales will do for the bookmark and booklight industries. Not to mention the papercut-size bandaid people.

It would be recommended if you go for search engine optimization (SEO)

Oh, so that's what SEO means. I was thinking you were a trip planner for South Korea but you were tired and didn't want to type out Seoul. So search engines, yeah. I am on the first page on Google for a lot of writing-related stuff, you know: novel outlininging, freeware for writers, that sort of thing. Would love to be on the first Google page for things like Authors with Normal Hair and Writers Who Can River Dance. But then I'd have to get a hair cut and take Irish stepdancing lessons from Michael Flatley, and then we'd probably have all kinds of creative differences over whether or not I should wear a skirt that covers my knee brace . . . no, on second thought, let's just stick with the writing stuff.

for your site which would increase your web visibility and generate better prospects traffic to your website.

I'm already more visible on the web than I ever wanted to be, and . . . hey, are you insulting my visitors?

There is a simple equation that is applicable to the online world.

Don't change the subject, dude. My visitors may not exactly be rolling in cash, but they're great prospects -- the best prospects, in fact. Not one of them would ever get published, go platinum and pretend they don't know me and/or badmouth my books. Just you watch.

Ethical SEO -> Better Traffic -> Higher Sales -> Higher Revenue

Maybe I don't want higher sales. Maybe what I really want is some cheesecake. You know, the really dense delicious New York kind of cheesecake? With strawberries and a big hot steaming cup of Chai, in front of a roaring fireplace with my guy to feed it to me, while he's weaing that really old pair of old jeans with the rip across the right thigh, and that white button-down shirt . . . sigh. Uh, the higher sales? Not so much.

Just wondering, if you would be interested improving the position of your website for the key terms your clients would be using to search your services.

Services here are provided for free, friend. If they want free, they'll find me.

In case you require any additional information, it shall be our pleasure to furnish the same. No obligations. Do let me know if you are interested and I would be happy to give you details about our services, price list and offers.

Yeah, yeah, same here.

I look forward of your reply.

And you might want to check for space in that English 102 class. Just saying.

EuroSPAMmed

As always, I reserve the right to make fun of anyone who SPAMs me -- and this wee gem was just pleading for it:

Dear Lynn

Dear Clueless Stranger, my real name is not actually Lynn. It's Don Diego de la Vega, but you can call me Zorro. Fray Felipe, my horse!

You're one of the first to hear about a new Billion-Euro Weekly Lotto.

Eh? What's that again, Sonny?

As an online lottery, we thought it would be appropriate to tell bloggers before the traditional media.

I understand. Those traditional media bastards are so picky, aren't they? Always asking for references and fund accounts they can verify, actual business licenses, corporate CEO info, what country's laws govern your operation. etc. Bloggers hardly ever do that.

In addition, we're making a game of it.

Ayuh. I myself am utterly dazzled by your gravity and professionalism.

The Challenge: Use your elite blogging powers--

My elite blogging powers? I thought I was an impolitic anti-group-think pacifist/satirist who has authority issues. When did I become an elitist? And will I need penicillin or cognitive therapy to get rid of it?

--to help find Beta Testers for the world's first weekly Billion Euro Lotto, [Anti-Scam Duct Tape]. We want to make sure it's perfect when ticket sales start [Anti-Scam Duct Tape].

So you want me to use my newly elite awesome blogging powers to pimp your online lottery, which you're awarding in a currency that is not used in my country -- do you guys even own an atlas? -- to my readers, about 60% of whom also don't use euros as currency, just so you can make sure you didn't screw up said lottery. Was hiring a web site designer to do a run-through for you too expensive, then?

What Your Readers Get: Each reader who tries out [Anti-Scam Duct Tape] at no cost gets a Complimentary Play for joining, plus 10 more Complimentary Plays with just one regular play in the inaugural draw. Plus, they're participating in the start of something revolutionary.

Newsflash: lotteries have been around since 205 BCE. You're about as revolutionary as toilet paper (and your tickets are probably about as useful.)

You'll understand what we mean when you see it.

Thanks, honey, but I do believe I already have your number.

Your Motivation: (Or Why You'd Be Almost Crazy Not to Take Part)--

Almost crazy? Why not seriously crazy? I mean, we're talking about a billion euros a week here. Obviously you're not Nigerian, and you're not wailing about your dead husband Prince Pondecherry or how you need my bank account data in order to transfer the funds he stole before his senseless murder so that I might keep 95% for myself. No, you're genuinely . . . uh . . . giving away a billion euros a week! To online readers of author blogs even! Honestly, how could anyone in their right mind pass up this opportunity of the lifetime? Hell, I'm in. Okay, so what do I get for helping you out?

--A complimentary play for every Beta Tester who follows your link to start an account.

One lousy play per referral? That's it? That's all?

You've probably got an idea of how many that could be.

Yeah, zero. Wait. Mom, I forbid you to play this lottery. Okay, now it's zero.

The Icing on the Cake:

I'm thinking more like the slop on the hog, but please, complete the grave-digging, by all means.

The highest referring blogger on our leaderboard at the end of the Beta Test earns a vacation for two to Antigua--

Ah, Antigua. The current Mecca for racketeering operations fronting themselves as online gaming companies. How quickly things crystallize.

Hope to see you in Antigua--maybe even as a billionnaire after using all those complimentary plays.

You know, I have trust issues, too, so why not send me a billion euros and make me one now? Would save time. Considering the awesome force of my elite blogging powers, would also be an excellent investment, yes? Just send me the data for your bank account and I'll arrange the transfer.

This message has been manually sent after an individual review and approval of your blog.

You mean you saw my ranking on Technorati and thought, "High-traffic Sucker." Oh, well, you're not the first. Those people from the writing software site offered me five grand a year to whore their overpriced crap product to my readers. You guys are cheapskates. Sniff.

We won't be bothering you again.

No, you psychic moron, you won't be. (Blocking e-mail address)

SPAMcam

As always, I reserve the right to make fun of anyone who SPAMs me. This one was particularly clueless:

Dear Lynn,

Uses first name. Must be someone I know.

I'd like to take a moment to congratulate you on your release today, Nightshine.

Okay, not someone I know.

I read the blurb and thoroughly enjoyed the premise. It sounds like a really interesting book.

You read the blurb? Wow. I don't know what to say. The entire blurb? I'm so grateful. What a trooper.

By now, you are caught up in promoting your book.

No, not really. Well, there was that one post down there.

If you are interested in exploring new ways to get the word out, I hope you will consider our new program, [Kindness Duct Tape]. This is not your standard [Kindness Duct Tape]. With [Kindness Duct Tape], you will chat and answer questions from your readers live via webcam.

I don't have a web cam. In fact, I've never had a web cam. Is this some kind of porn? It sounds like porn.

You will be able to give your fans the one thing they want

Jobs? World peace? Self-Induced Multiple Orgasms? (Yeah, I know, but I'm still thinking it's porn.)

--You--

See? I was right. Author porn.

and you can do this at home in your office or on the road in tandem with a booksigning or blogtour.

At home, okay, in my office, eh, but while I'm driving? What if I get pulled over? What do I tell the cop? I'm naked and doing naughty things so I can promote my book? He's never going to buy that, you know. Even if I lie and say I'm on my way to a booksigning (and could you explain why would I drive to do a blogtour?)

We can work directly with you, your publicist, or your publisher.

Aha. Now I get it. What you really want is a threesome. I'm pretty sure my publisher isn't that into me. Or my publicist, assuming I have one for this book. Sometimes I do, if it's a full moon and a slow week in the marketing department.

Our objective is to help you connect with your readers and sell more books!

Sure, that's what they all say before they tiptoe out in the morning with their shoes in their hand and all of my money in their PayPal account. Then the grainy video shows up on YouTube, and I have to do another E! special, and the PETA people start calling about the goats . . . I'm sorry, but it's just exhausting, you know?

If you would like to see a demo on how [Kindness Duct Tape] works, please contact me by email at [Kindness Duct Tape]. I'd be delighted to
show you what we've done for NYT bestselling authors [Professional Kindness Duct Tape] as well as aspiring self-published writers.

Nice line up of award-winning people I don't read. *Yawn* I don't know if I want to see any of them naked and doing naughty things to promote their books, though. Especially [Professional Kindness Duct Tape.] That chick naked would probably give me nightmares for life.

Thank you for your time. I look forward to your response.

Actually I did write a response, and sent it to you three times, but it has bounced back every time. Thus I will post it here:

No.

Facebookless

I can't seem to escape the clutches of the evil empire Facebook; one of my publishers just sent me a powerpoint presentation on how to create a Facebook fan page for myself in order to take part in their latest marketing effort, which included these instructions:

In order to obtain a Vanity URL, you must first have 25+ “Likes” on your page.

Aside from the fact that I'm not so vain that I would even consider setting up my own fan page, I'm stumped. Likes? Likes what? My books? My hair? My sparkling personality? I never got the Likes memo. Anyway, I keep reading, and find this:

Spread the word! Friends and family are included! It’s okay to ask your friends, family, and co-workers to “Like” your page.

So they don't think 25 complete random strangers would like my page? Maybe they're right. Only a very few friends I know in real life visit here occasionally, so maybe the rest of you 6,993 people stop by here every day because you don't like me. Go on, tell me, I can take it. I know my Mom still likes me. Sniff.

Kidding. I get what they're trying to do. Fortunately I'm off the hook: according to my kids a fan page for me already exists on Facebook. I can't look at it because (rimshot) I'd have to first join Facebook. But apparently these nice people like my books enough to create a genuine fan page, so that should get me excused from faking one, the thought of which to be honest makes my skin crawl a bit. All's well etc.

Since last year I've also been getting these be-my-friend gems e-mailed to my fan e-mail account every week:



This kind of Facebook SPAM that disturbs me because I know at least one of these people is an author. Not that I think he's a fan or actually wants to be my friend, but I can't even send the professional courtesy of a polite no-thanks unless -- you guessed it -- I first join Facebook.

Which brings me to this practice of using the word friend to connect people via social media. I find it a bit troubling. One of the reasons I never considered using LiveJournal (aside from the fact that I'm not cool enough for it) is because they employ friend as means of linkage coercion. I friend you, you friend me, and we're all friends. My (obviously picky) belief that the word friend should have more meaning than simply the right to use reciprocal links is definitely not in step with the times.

Also, if someone asks to be your friend, they're paying you a compliment, right? Unless they just want a link so they can boost their traffic, in which case, maybe not. Of course if you say no for any reason, you're behaving like a snotty unfriendly jackass, which encourages negative backlash, expecially from those who for whatever reason expect to be friended. Every time I think about the friend thing I give myself a headache.

I realize social media offers many obviously irresistible marketing opportunities. I respect the working writers out there who take the time to do all this stuff, too; frankly I don't know how you guys handle it and keep up with the work. I'm just concerned that it all seems to be heading in a direction that is self-defeating and devaluing.

Thus I will continue to be Facebookless, and do my own thing, and see what happens.

Just. Not. Ready.

I always reserve the right to make fun of anyone who SPAMs me by e-mail, and this latest piece of work to clutter my inbox is simply begging for it:

Ready To Self-Publish?

No, but I'm fully prepared to rip someone's head off this morning, thank you for asking.

My name is [KINDNESS DUCT TAPE], and like you, I am a published author.

While I've never heard of you. But to be nice, I'll cover all the names in your e-mail with kindness duct tape. Okay, so what other things don't we have in common?

I have worked with traditional publishing houses, and I have self-published. Quite frankly, I have found that self-publishing is more fun, more satisfying, and more lucrative!

Really? Because we're both published authors, that means I, too, could have more fun, more satisfaction and make more money self-publishing. Wow. I should call New York right now and tell them to tear up my latest contract. Tell you what, you hold your breath while I do that.

But don't take my word for it.

You think?

Just ask the many authors I have helped self-publish about their experiences. Authors such as [LOTS OF KINDNESS DUCT TAPE]. Not only have they self-published, they have relied upon [KINDNESS DUCT TAPE] to make their self-published works as ready for discerning readers as any traditional publisher.

And this would be because they also found self-publishing to be more fun, more satisfying, and more lucrative than traditional publishing, or because they can't sell their stuff anymore to a traditional publisher, but still thought they could make a few bucks if they hired you to dress up some trunk novel to make it pretty for Amazon.com and do some substandard overpriced marketing that no one would pay attention to even if they were stranded by a blizzard and it was the only thing in the house they could read?

(peeling back the kindness duct tape to study the names on the list of the many authors you have helped.)

Monty, I'm going to have to pick door #2. I bet you also offered them a discount for giving you testimonials.

Click here to view our testimonials.

Jesus, I am psychic.

You Have Questions...

Only one -- who gave you my e-mail address?

Self-publishing can be overwhelming for even the most experienced writer.

Maybe if they've had their head stuck in the sand for the last five years. Or they're so lazy that their couch has a permanent impression of their ass in their favorite spot. Or they're too busy waiting for the planets to align again properly so they can write a hundred words before tumbling to the floor from spiritual exhaustion. It's their pain and their struggle, you see, and you and I will never ever ever understand it.

"Where can I find a professional editor who understands my book?"

Working at a traditional publisher? Oh, sorry, I forgot, according to you they're unsatisfying no-fun profit-sucking vampires. But does that mean they're also unprofessional and they don't understand books? I mean, why would traditional publishers worry about that kind of thing? I know if I were a traditional publisher, I would only hire amateur idiots who couldn't comprehend the instructions on a bottle of shampoo.

"Can I afford eye-catching cover art that matches the style of my work?"

Um, if you work for a traditional publisher you never have to pay for it. Just saying.

"Is there someone who can convert my book into an ebook or lay it out for print as well as the big publishers?"

My head hurts. Is there someone who can give me an aspirin?

"Do I have to do my own marketing?"

Marketing hard. Marketing bad. We hate marketing. (wringing hands) Why oh why isn't there someone out there to step in and do it for us? Off topic for a sec: did you like get the biggest ninny in the writing universe to think up these idiot questions? Or was it another discount trade-off thing, like the testimonials?

"Should I have a website, and can I afford one?"

Oh, screw the web site. Be really aggressive and get the title of your book tattooed on your forehead.

"Do video book ads really work?"

(raising hand) I know the answer to that one: No! (Unless you're Kinsey Holley or Brent Hartinger.)

Every self-publishing author must answer these questions, but you don't have to do it alone!

I didn't get that memo, so I've been doing it alone for ten years. Shame on me. Should I stop now? Should I ask for someone to come over and hold my hand while I do it? Maybe you guys should help me answer these questions. Okay: Should I have a website, and can I afford one? Why are you guys laughing? I'm serious.

We Have Answers!

You've got something.

[KINDNESS DUCT TAPE] provides all the services a traditional publisher does—editing, cover art, ebook conversions, print layouts, marketing, websites, and video book ads.

Out of the goodness of your heart? Or are you going to pile fee atop fee before the book is released on some digital self-pub platform that takes 40% of the sales and doesn't pay the author until they accrue a certain amount, assuming there are any sales to speak of? Let me guess.

We're ready to transform your manuscript from a rough idea to a polished book at prices you can afford.

While my traditional publisher takes my polished manuscript, does most of that and pays me. I can see why I should dump them like immediately.

Don't give your profits away to the publishers!

No, just give them to you. Before I make them. Yep. Going to jump right on that. Everyone get out of my way!

Don't risk your reputation by publishing a book that isn't ready!

My reputation being so pristine already (yawn.) Sorry, dude, but I guess I'm just not ready to self-peddle my wares on Amazon.com's street corner. Or hire you as my pimp. P.S. if you SPAM me again, next time I won't use the kindness duct tape.

[KINDNESS DUCT TAPE] is ready to help you produce the book you've dreamed of.

I think I had a nightmare like this once. In it I was in a beautiful meadow with a handsome vampire, and then suddenly all my e-mails turned into razor-toothed critters and started attacking us. Wait, no, they were dandelions, not e-mails. Never mind.

Ragged

I reserve the right to make fun of anyone who SPAMs me, and this week I got three of these:

Dear Former Subscriber:

Hmmm. I never subscribed to your rag. I could never afford it. So you're lying to me already.

Time really does fly.

And yet you would be the people who constantly bitch about writers using too many cliches. Hokay.

Since you last received [The Rag], so much has happened within our industry.

Wait, I remember now. I signed up on a web site to get some sample copies about nine years ago. You sent me exactly two issues in 2001. So you're right, a lot has happened, and I bet now you're going to give me a flirtacious little recap.

From the Google settlement . . .

See?

. . . to the continuing financial struggles of booksellers both large and small to the emergence of portable digital readers, book publishing is changing and adapting to a brave new world.

Sorry, but I don't care about Google settlement, I'm not a bookseller, and I can't use digital readers, so you've yet to rouse my interest out of its current coma. Also, I can read about all this stuff on the internet for free.

One question, though: why is it that you people always refer to the new world as brave? Why can't it be ambivalent, or terrified, or even a little depressed because it doesn't have anything nice to wear? Huh? Huh?

To successfully navigate today's challenging economic realities, the knowledgeable editors of [The Rag] provide you with the information you need to make informed decisions.

Actually those sample issues did tell me a lot about your rag, namely that you print lots of ads for books I'm never going to read, spread industry gossip, fear and incitement to panic disguised as pseudo-thoughtful speculation, perform simpering suck ups to important literary novelists, endless hatchet jobs on genre writers (four or five of them on my own books), and much smooching of major publisher booty. I hear you now don't pay a good chunk of your writer staff, too. I hate to disappoint you, but none of this is useful to me during informed decision time.

Accept this timely offer to receive one year of [The Rag] at a special 33% discount from our standard subscription rate. You'll pay only [more than $150.00] for [one year of issues].

After being SPAMmed three times by you, do I want to then pay you a big chunk of money to read [The Rag] for a year, or do I want to buy something I can actually use, like five ten-ream cartons of printer paper, or three cartridges for my laser printer, or internet service for the next eight months?

I'll let you guess.