Ten Things I Don't Want for Christmas
Chicken Soup for [Anything] Books: Personally I find reading inspirational story-themed anthologies a bit like being gently and repeatedly hammered over the head with a pillow in which someone has inserted a brick. Also, I'm not currently suffering from anything that requires literary chicken soup. If that should change my eyes are probably going to be too swollen to read, so how about you instead bring me a box of tissues and a nice cup of tea?
Chocolate-Flavored Body Paint: Interesting, but it probably contains sugar, so no.
Gourmet Popcorn: While I do like popcorn, I don't like it so much that I can eat a barrel of it before it goes stale.
Jarred Food Gift-to-Make: As pretty as those ingredients are layered in those mason jars, what you're actually doing is giving me more work to do during the holidays, which I don't actually need, thanks. If you want me to have cookies, make the cookies for me.
Jewelry Holder: I can't wear rings or bracelets or necklaces anymore due to arthritis-related issues, so I gave all of my jewelry to the daughter. I own exactly one pair of earrings, which I wear all the time, so I am my own jewelry holder.
Quilting Gadget: I own them all already. Seriously. Even that handy magnetic wrist pin holder/picker-upper.
Personalized Pillowcases: My guy and I remember which side of the bed is ours (I'm left, he's right.) The cat will also probably either puke on them or sharpen his claws on them, at which point they will become personalized cleaning rags.
Sausage and Cheese Food Gifts: Not healthy or very tasty, and we're watching our cholesterol and chemical preservative intake. If you must food gift us send organic fruit, please.
Smart Technology of Any Variety: I'm not interested in ignoring people so I can fiddle with some device while they fiddle with theirs or stare at the top of my head.
Writers Do It [insert risque phrase] T-shirt: Cute but not something I'd wear. Also, no one wants to think about how I do it at my age, sweetie.
What don't you want for Christmas? Let us know in comments.