Saturday, June 16, 2012

No-Nos for the Nasty

Ten Excuses for Your Paranormal Heroine Not to Have Sex with Your Paranormal Hero

A hell-gate will open and release a demon army to ravage the earth, starting with the two dummies snoring in the bed just in front of the hell-gate.

Any child born of such a union is guaranteed to become the Anti-Christ. P.S., Ms. Absent-Minded keeps forgetting to take the pill she was prescribed to regulate her monthlies.

As sworn enemies, their people are consumed by eons of pent-up frustrations and hostilities, but prevented from battling by an iron-clad truce that can be broken only if one side is caught physically fraternizing with the other.

Either the hero or the heroine will lose their abilities, which the other will absorb, turn evil and use to destroy the planet.

Her virginity was promised long ago to the Prince of Darkness, who is also her fiance, eats heroes for a mid-morning snack and has set up a closed-circuit monitoring system in her headboard.

He has long been lusted after by an insanely jealous and incredibly powerful stalker, who has been posing as a harmless family friend while bugging his phone, GPS'ing his car, and keeping a silent alarm on that condom tucked in his wallet.

His manly sweat/her delicate sheen will cause the other partner to shift into a mindless, ravenous, slavering beast-demon with razor-sharp talons/teeth/scales, and whose last meal was a quivering, stringy, under size rabbit two months ago.

Mom and Dad be demi-gods who hath sworn to guard their only child's pulchritude by any means necessary, and smite unto death anyone who messeth with it.

She is unaware that she possesses a glittering but secretly evil hoohah that will suck the soul/life/goodness out of the hero, and then laugh while his lifeless husk withers away.

The obnoxious immortal deity, who needed a little leverage to insure her subjects' chastity, gave permission for a "Will They Do It?" pool, the winner of which will be awarded an indestructible sword of immense power against which there is no defense. P.S., the villain picked tonight.


  1. This may be humor, but I've seen a version of each one in books I've read.

  2. I find it interesting that there always has to be a romantic flare in every book that I've ever read. That, and books that are twisted by Hollywood to *force* a romance where there is one is another sin. Why can books be action packed without someone sleeping with another person?

  3. These are very funny and great examples of how forced conflict is so disappointing. I absolutely love - LOVE - a set up where the hero and heroine simply cannot be together for very good reasons, but it is so hard to come up with something that isn't over-the-top ridiculous (see above!). The best star-crossed lovers scenario I've ever seen that actually worked was the conflict between Buffy Summers and vampire Angel wherein if Angel experienced even one moment of true happiness, the spell cast upon him that returned his soul would be broken, and he'd revert back to his evil vampire form. It was heartbreaking and "real" in the context of the Buffy the Vampire universe.