Friday, November 04, 2011


As always, I reserve the right to make fun of anyone who SPAMs me. This one was particularly clueless:

Dear Lynn,

Uses first name. Must be someone I know.

I'd like to take a moment to congratulate you on your release today, Nightshine.

Okay, not someone I know.

I read the blurb and thoroughly enjoyed the premise. It sounds like a really interesting book.

You read the blurb? Wow. I don't know what to say. The entire blurb? I'm so grateful. What a trooper.

By now, you are caught up in promoting your book.

No, not really. Well, there was that one post down there.

If you are interested in exploring new ways to get the word out, I hope you will consider our new program, [Kindness Duct Tape]. This is not your standard [Kindness Duct Tape]. With [Kindness Duct Tape], you will chat and answer questions from your readers live via webcam.

I don't have a web cam. In fact, I've never had a web cam. Is this some kind of porn? It sounds like porn.

You will be able to give your fans the one thing they want

Jobs? World peace? Self-Induced Multiple Orgasms? (Yeah, I know, but I'm still thinking it's porn.)


See? I was right. Author porn.

and you can do this at home in your office or on the road in tandem with a booksigning or blogtour.

At home, okay, in my office, eh, but while I'm driving? What if I get pulled over? What do I tell the cop? I'm naked and doing naughty things so I can promote my book? He's never going to buy that, you know. Even if I lie and say I'm on my way to a booksigning (and could you explain why would I drive to do a blogtour?)

We can work directly with you, your publicist, or your publisher.

Aha. Now I get it. What you really want is a threesome. I'm pretty sure my publisher isn't that into me. Or my publicist, assuming I have one for this book. Sometimes I do, if it's a full moon and a slow week in the marketing department.

Our objective is to help you connect with your readers and sell more books!

Sure, that's what they all say before they tiptoe out in the morning with their shoes in their hand and all of my money in their PayPal account. Then the grainy video shows up on YouTube, and I have to do another E! special, and the PETA people start calling about the goats . . . I'm sorry, but it's just exhausting, you know?

If you would like to see a demo on how [Kindness Duct Tape] works, please contact me by email at [Kindness Duct Tape]. I'd be delighted to
show you what we've done for NYT bestselling authors [Professional Kindness Duct Tape] as well as aspiring self-published writers.

Nice line up of award-winning people I don't read. *Yawn* I don't know if I want to see any of them naked and doing naughty things to promote their books, though. Especially [Professional Kindness Duct Tape.] That chick naked would probably give me nightmares for life.

Thank you for your time. I look forward to your response.

Actually I did write a response, and sent it to you three times, but it has bounced back every time. Thus I will post it here:



  1. LOL! Thanks, needed the laugh!

  2. Thank God I wasn't drinking anything. It'd be all over my laptop.

    Why do you always get the fun spam?

  3. ROFLMAO. I was thinking porn as well. Wow.

  4. love it, made me giggle, and too lol

  5. Hee! Is that porn...sounds like porn...

  6. What a great Friday morning post. Teehee...

  7. Brilliant, wonderful, pithy response! I'm so impressed that you turned an annoying sales email into viable content that has the power to bring a smile to the reader. At least it did to me.

    I can't wait to see how you deal with the Nigerian businessman who wants to transfer a couple million dollars your way because he did a Google search and believes you are the one honorable person in the world he can trust. Yep, that one should be a doozy!

  8. OMG, what a great read for the morning!

    Now I'm ready to go off and NaNo (as soon as I finish this pesky short story).

  9. hahahahaa you're spam is still more exciting than mine! All i get is the offer of viagra!

  10. So does Kindness Duct Tape come in a 2-pack rolls? *g*

  11. Love the [Kindness Duct Tape] ... and the professional version too. Excellent.