Gift No-Nos

Ten Things I Don't Want for Christmas

Biographies of Famous Dead Writers: Why, thank you for showing me exactly what sort of erroneous idiocies some dumbass might someday write about me or one of my friends as well as reminding me of how young we generally buy the farm. Does this come with a box of Kleenex?

Celebrity bylined Books: They didn't write them, and the writer who actually did the work probably got paid a pittance, so this is just going straight to the library donation box.

Chocolate Anything: With my diet the way it is, this is pretty much the same thing as handing a sixteen-year-old boy a bottle of whiskey and the keys to a brand-new Maserati.

Computer Games: After eight to ten hours of writing and editing, my eyes burning, my neck cricked, my voice gone and me never wanting to see another red- or green-squiggle-underlined word again, you think I'm going to want to play Publishing Tycoon for PC?

High-Tech Phone: Last year I used exactly 118 minutes on the cheap, do-nothing disposable phone I've had for the last six years, and half of that was from the kids borrowing it when the batteries on theirs died. I can't text. I can't overuse my voice. I won't talk on the phone when I'm driving. You know what I like to do with phones most? Shut them off. So just turn around and walk away from the Blackberry display.

Personalized Items: I know my name. So do my friends and family. The dog even knows my name. I already have an extensive collection of personalized coffee mugs, T-shirts, embossed address books, planners, blotters, desk signs and notepads. So save yourself an hour hanging around the mall kiosk while having it etched on yet another item I won't use, because as you seem to forget every year, I hate my name.

Quilts or quilted objects: Aside from the fact that they're generally imports made by women who are paid pennies to work in horrendous sweat-shop conditions in some third world country with a fascist government that endorses honor killings, have you not noticed that I already own enough quilts to keep an Army regiment warm at night?

Vampire-themed Things: It's sweet of you to try to connect with my work, but that series is finished and I've moved on. Besides, the only time I can use this stuff is to decorate the house once a year for Halloween.

Victoria's Secret Products: At my age, baby, this is like putting lipstick and nail polish on a plow mare.

Zhu Zhu: Oh for God's sake.

So what don't you guys want for Christmas? Let us know in comments.