Saturday, June 06, 2009

Stranded

"Given a choice between being trapped on a desert island with a group of writers or a family of howler monkeys, I think I'd pick the monkeys. At least I could eat them." -- Anthony Bourdain, The Nasty Bits

I adore Anthony Bourdain. He's such a black-hearted thug, but Christ, can he write. He also gets to travel the world in search of wonderful food. That's why I picked him as the currently living writer I am most jealous of over at Raine's discussion on green-eyed monsters over at the Chicas blog.

But envy and admiration aside, would I want to be stranded on a deserted island with Mr. Bourdain? Sure, as long as I hunt and gather, and he cooks. This is because one of my definitions of hell would be my guy coming home one day and saying, "Honey, I met that No Reservations guy downtown, and told him how much you like his books, so he's going to drop by for dinner." If that ever happened, well, I own some very sharp carbon steel kitchen knives, and I know where my carotid and femoral arteries are.

The quotation did get me thinking about with whom I would not want to be stranded. Obviously any cannibals would have to go, as would certain radio talk show personalities (unless I could toss them to the cannibals.) But out of all the writers I've met either in person or online over the last ten years, there are only four I would immediately vote off my deserted island. I can think of many more writers with whom I'd never mind being stranded. Start that list with any name on my blog roll over there -->

How about you guys? How many writers do you think you'd have to kick off your island?

28 comments:

  1. "Honey, I met that No Reservations guy downtown, and told him how much you like his books, so he's going to drop by for dinner."

    Oh Holy Mother of God! :O

    How many writers do you think you'd have to kick off your island?

    Depends on how many don't like my new wip. ;)
    Honestly, I can only think of about two. But that's their online personas. They may be different in person.

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  2. Currently I have two. Neither of which I shall name here. I've met both and rude asshats simply piss me off. So they're not allowed on my island.

    Every one else can come. Lynn, bring fabric and we'll sew! :)

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  3. I think I'd kick off the one who wouldn't shut up about a. their sheer genius and b. endlessly shilling their own book(s), although really, wouldn't it be more fun to see the slow realization sink in that Sheer Genius and Books for Sale don't get you out of life's difficulties?

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  4. LOL Aw. Lynn, I'm touched. I'd love to be stranded on a desert island with you as long as there were no cannibals.

    That said, it's not people I'd want to avoid but a TYPE of person. No Speshul Snoflake writers on my island. You just know they wouldn't pull their own eight.

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  5. I can think of four who are exactly the Speshul Snoflake types Jess mentioned.

    I would want my happy place. If they were there, it wouldn't be my happy place. Because I'd be doing everything and they'd be sitting on their makeshift thrones.

    No thanks.

    BTW, none of them have ever been here that I can remember.

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  6. I can think of a few writers I wouldn't want to be stuck with but overall I see it as a win/win situation. As long as there's plenty of pens and paper :D

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  7. I've loved Anthony Bourdain for a while now - even before I read Kitchen Confidential (which just made the love grow).

    I'm with Jess. It's not such much particular writers (although I can think of one who shall remain nameless... :cough:pompousass:cough: ) but rather a type of person I wouldn't want to be trapped with. Every carries their own weight - sans whining. And nobody who thinks they're too special to do the heavy lifting.

    If Bourdain ever does show up at your house, I want pictures. Okay, I want a full detailed blow-by-blow of the whole event, but I'll settle for pictures. =o)

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  8. There are several who have been very dismissive of YA books. They're not coming on my island.

    Lee Child, on the other hand, can spend as much time as he wants on my island. I'll even cook for him.

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  9. I never thought of my blog roll as writers I'd like to be stranded with, but now that you mention it, they'd all be welcome.

    This week I've been re-reading Robin Hobb's Liveship trilogy, and I keep stopping to marvel at the mind that wrote it - that created sailing ships as fully formed characters, the title characters in fact.

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  10. I remember concluding in Kitchen Confidential that he'd be pretty cool as a guest for dinner. He said something about how he'd be nervous responding to an invitation because he'd think the host would want to cook up something fancy (and beyond his or her skills), whereas what he'd rather eat what you're used to making.

    I can think of one writer I'd like on my island if I was a cannibal, but she's probably to greasy for the stew pot. At a signing in our local bookstore, she decided to chew me out over my (positive) review and profile because I wrote something like "Don't call xxxx a mystery writer; her books are more than that." My sin was to define her as a not. I must admit, it's good advice, but she delivered it before a crowd of her fans, at the top of her voice, in an extremely annoying fashion. Then she signed my book (which I immediately donated to the library).

    Her publicist was so ashamed of her behavior that she sent me a bouquet of flowers, which was sweet.

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  11. Pretty much every member of the German PEN club, and a good bunch from the association of historical fiction writers (can't even remember the proper title). I know the latter sounds strange since I'm writing hist fic as well, but there's a reason I do it in English. ;)

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  12. Raine wrote: But that's their online personas. They may be different in person.

    Now you have me thinking about writing another post about real life versus online personas. Stop inspiring me so much, Raine, I have to get the laundry done this weekend or my children will be spending the first week of summer vacation walking around in their PJs.

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  13. Tam wrote: Lynn, bring fabric and we'll sew!

    Oh, wouldn't that be cool -- stranded on an island with a bunch of sewing machines and the contents of a McCracken county fabric shop. First thing all the other castaways would have would be fabulous quilts to sleep under. :)

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  14. Whats wrong with PJs when you don't have to be somewhere :-)

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  15. Charlene wrote: I think I'd kick off the one who wouldn't shut up about a. their sheer genius and b. endlessly shilling their own book(s), although really, wouldn't it be more fun to see the slow realization sink in that Sheer Genius and Books for Sale don't get you out of life's difficulties?

    But we could use them to man the signal fire for the rescue plane. Tell them "Hey, someone on another island might want to read your book, so get up there and puff that smoke!"

    Actually, no, they'd likely set the island on fire.

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  16. Jess wrote: No Speshul Snoflake writers on my island.

    Lol. I can see them gathering around the cook fire to mourn the fact that the planets aren't in the right alignment for them to go gather more wood. Right before I feed them to the sharks.

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  17. Amie wrote: As long as there's plenty of pens and paper.

    Or someone to help me manufacturer them (I make pretty decent homemade paper and ink.)

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  18. Theo wrote: I would want my happy place. If they were there, it wouldn't be my happy place. Because I'd be doing everything and they'd be sitting on their makeshift thrones.

    Unless they build those thrones themselves, I think they'd spend about two days whining and then surrender to the circumstances. As long as you don't cater to them, they'd have to. I learned in the military that survival is the great equilizer.

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  19. B.E. wrote: If Bourdain ever does show up at your house, I want pictures. Okay, I want a full detailed blow-by-blow of the whole event, but I'll settle for pictures.

    Ha. Kinda doubt it will ever happen, but then you never know. I have been roped into even weirder things in the past.

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  20. Darlene wrote: There are several who have been very dismissive of YA books. They're not coming on my island.

    Or if they do, we put the kids in charge of them. Serve them right. ;)

    Lee Child, on the other hand, can spend as much time as he wants on my island. I'll even cook for him.

    True story -- when we were a bit younger my guy was a dead ringer for Lee Child -- same hair, same eyes, same height, even the same bone structure. At one conference he came in to pick me up for lunch, and my friends thought he was the author and freaked out. He didn't believe it until I showed him an author photo of Lee on the back of one of his books. It looks just like the one I had taken of him for our tenth anniversary photo. :)

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  21. Pandababy wrote: This week I've been re-reading Robin Hobb's Liveship trilogy, and I keep stopping to marvel at the mind that wrote it - that created sailing ships as fully formed characters, the title characters in fact.

    Sounds like an interesting trio. Plus on the island we could make Robin our boat builder. :)

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  22. Bill wrote: He said something about how he'd be nervous responding to an invitation because he'd think the host would want to cook up something fancy (and beyond his or her skills), whereas what he'd rather eat what you're used to making.

    Too true. Although I'd have to make him something other than this roots/bark/twigs diet I'm on, or the man would think we're part squirrel. I'm pretty handy with impromptu Asian; my dad worked as a chef in Chinatown for years and he taught me a few tricks. It's just . . . Bourdain at my table! Ack! Heart attack territory.

    ...but she delivered it before a crowd of her fans, at the top of her voice, in an extremely annoying fashion. Then she signed my book (which I immediately donated to the library).

    After that, I seriously doubt I would have been as gracious. You must have the patience of a saint.

    Her publicist was so ashamed of her behavior that she sent me a bouquet of flowers, which was sweet.

    And people say publicists have no conscience. What a doll.

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  23. Gabriele wrote: Pretty much every member of the German PEN club, and a good bunch from the association of historical fiction writers (can't even remember the proper title).

    With your knowledge, you would be in charge of shelter building on my island, G. And weapons -- definitely weapons. :)

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  24. I'm not naming names either but all things considered, there's only three that I'd want to sacrifice to the bloodthirsty tribe that already inhabits the island.

    Lynn, can you please make sure to write us an island that serves something other than fish, slugs, and scorpions? I need the island with steers, chickens, and non-tusked pigs (all previously slaughtered and neatly packaged by the tribe as thanks for the sacrifice).

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  25. I know many writers who I would dread being stuck on an island with.. I think if that were the case I would most definately become the very cannibal I fear.
    Writers are an unusual species there are many I enjoy but only a mere few I respect and revere. I always swore if my writing went anywhere I would not become the typical egomaniac some of these people are..

    BTW isn't there a myth about cannibalism that by eating someone you attain some of their natural talent? Hmmmmm maybe I will invite some of those authors to dinner after all..lol

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  26. Anonymous11:21 AM

    Tony Bourdain, that silver-haired, silver-tongued blackguard, has long occupied a slot on my "Top Ten To Do" list.

    He's smart, a glorious cook, funny, and sex on a stick.

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  27. I would toss Rush Limbaugh because he's fat stupid and too drugged up to be any use and would steal all the food, Ann Coultaer cause she is just nasty, Glen Beck cause he would just cry all day like a fruit and Sean Hannity because his big puffy bangs are annoying

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  28. BTW Bourdain is the goods!!

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