Thursday, April 26, 2007

Left Behind Ten

Ten Reasons to Be Happy You're Not at the RT Convention
(dedicated to Miss Kate, who requested it)

1. Do the math: thousands of con goers, nine hundred seventy-seven rooms, no vacancies, and exactly eight elevators.*

2. Free from being obligated to eat at McDonald's, Burger King or Checkers because you couldn't get a table and/or afford a meal at the Spindletop, the Whistler's Walk or Ducks & Company.

3. Missing all the fangirls who, no matter how many books you've published, have never heard of you or your novels, which don't really look all that interesting, btw, and shouldn't be published in their favorite genre, which is written SO much better by the author they're semi-stalking, and it's their God-given fangirl duty to loudly inform you of this, preferably when you're in the middle of giving a workshop or a signing.

4. Not having to acquire, lose, then look for the no-tickets-required badge they're giving at registration this year, which you MUST have as your PASSPORT into ALL events at the convention.

4a. Hey, Kate, we really doan need no stinkin' batches.

5. Not having to attend the Book Fair.

5a. Because if you do, you know you're going to end up standing behind the adorable, white-haired octogenarian, who simply must tell Jayne Ann Krentz her entire life story, by day, starting at the initiation of World War I.

5b. Or the garage bookseller who gushes over Jayne while having her sign all 350 copies of her used Amanda Quick stock, which she plans to take home in her mini-van and sell for triple price on eBay.

5c. Or you'll forget which radio stations you must mention in order to get in for free.

6. Not getting plastered on whiskey sours at the Park Bar, or yielding to the subsequent temptation to go up to Kathryn Falk, breathe whiskey sour fumes in her face, and tell her what you really think of her and her rag, or share with her that extremely funny wheelbarrow joke you heard in Suffolk last year.

7. Not having to witness 55-year-old Botoxed Babes trying to grope the Mr. Romance winner: usually a gorgeous, bored 24-year-old male god whose significant other is an interior decorator named Harold.

8. Refraining from being caught in line for coffee between an erotica author wearing a satin merry widow, a great leather skirt and fishnet stockings, and an inspirational chicklit author in Laura Ashley buttoned to her chin, because you know the latter is going to tell the former how long she's going to burn in hell for the books she writes, and the former is going to give the latter the finger, and then you'll have to duck as the Starbucks starts to fly.

9. Skipping Psychic Sunday, and not pretending to explore your spiritual pathways and psychic skills, which you know don't exist. Also, remaining ignorant of which authors actually believe that they are energy healers, channelers, and psychic mediums.

10. Vampires of the Wild, Wild West Dinner Theatre and Dance. A shame you'll miss that, too, because you know there were TONS of gunslinger vampires who acted and danced back in those days. And the Medieval Faery Ball . . . am I reading that right, is it the Medieval Faery Ball?

I need an aspirin.

*Two of which will be out of service for the duration of the convention.

37 comments:

  1. Marjorie Liu12:12 AM

    Dude. Are you sure you aren't here? 'Cause that's, like, uncanny.

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  2. Feh. Socialising is overrated, although the Starbucks fight would probably be amusing to me as a bystander :).

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  3. Jason2:21 AM

    Don't forget the dedicated fan who owns all of your books, and wants to discuss how the ending to your most recent book was not what the character that they love would do at all.

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  4. LOL at all of them.

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  5. *G*

    Skipping Psychic Sunday, and not pretending to explore your spiritual pathways and psychic skills, which you know don't exist. Also, remaining ignorant of which authors actually believe that they are energy healers, channelers, and psychic mediums.

    and what if you're not nice enough to pretend and just walk away....I couldn't do it with a straight face anyway.

    This was my TT subject today

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  6. I've never been to a convention before...does #3 actually happen?

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  7. On the other hand, I bet they don't have kittens that ambush you every step you take.

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  8. wheelbarrow joke?

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  9. Anonymous9:37 AM

    nienke said...wheelbarrow joke?

    RT founder Kathryn Falk is also known as Lady Barrow. I believe she owns a village of the same name in Suffolk.

    P, you're evilly accurate.

    L.

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  10. #7 just made me snort Diet Coke through my nose. Ah, the memories.

    I still wish I was there this year.

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  11. Anonymous9:56 AM

    I just want to know if #10 is for real. The world can always use more paranormal westerns.

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  12. Oh, you BAAAAD girl. Now you'll never be invited to give a workshop on "Alpha Vamps and the Skanky Ho's Who Love Them."

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  13. Marjorie wrote: Dude. Are you sure you aren't here?

    Lol. No, I've done my con time for good. :) Seriously, I hope you have fun and sign many books. :)

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  14. Ashlyn wrote: Socialising is overrated, although the Starbucks fight would probably be amusing to me as a bystander.

    The cat fights are really the best part. That's why they never put me in charge of the seating arrangements at the big luncheons.

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  15. Jeson wrote: Don't forget the dedicated fan who owns all of your books, and wants to discuss how the ending to your most recent book was not what the character that they love would do at all.

    Oh, God, yes. Although I get that in the comfort of my own home whenever I read e-mail: Dear Ms. Viehl, I'm heartbroken, just heartbroken over what you did to [insert protagonist's name] and I'm writing to your editor as soon as I'm done chewing you out because this must stop before you ruin my favorite books of all time.....

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  16. HOnestly, I'd pay to see the throwdown in #8 but i'm sick like that =)

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  17. Shiloh wrote: and what if you're not nice enough to pretend and just walk away....

    You know, I've never been that nice.

    This was my TT subject today

    Good post. I'm with you on the hotel food and the beds. Here's the link if you all want to read Shi's TT.

    Which brings up a question on other linkage, Shiloh -- I have Vamps and Scamps linked to your name on my sidebar, and I meant to change that to your personal blog. That okay, or should I link both (I can do one link for your first name and the other for your last.)

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  18. Jason, I apologize for misspelling your name. I'm working out of a hotel room with no VRS at the moment, so I will be typo'ing all over the place.

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  19. Only 8 elevators, but only 2 ladie's restrooms.

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  20. Meardaba wrote: I've never been to a convention before...does #3 actually happen?

    I've been nailed by one or more disgruntled fangirls at every signing I did at RWA cons, and had three workshops and one panel interrupted by people only there to tear apart my presentation. I;ve even been attacked while teaching free online classes. I could probably handle it better now, but I was very green and shy in my con-going days, and it completely unnerved me.

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  21. Buffysquirrel wrote: On the other hand, I bet they don't have kittens that ambush you every step you take.

    Awww. Let's have a kitten convention!

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  22. I have to say, I too, was feeling the 'left out of RT blues' but after laughing till my sides hurt by this posting, I have a new attitude.

    Thank you for the attitude adjustment.

    Skylar Sinclair.

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  23. Which brings up a question on other linkage, Shiloh -- I have Vamps and Scamps linked to your name on my sidebar, and I meant to change that to your personal blog. That okay, or should I link both (I can do one link for your first name and the other for your last.)

    Shoot... lol, I don't care. I'm just thrilled to see my name up there period. Makes me think my experiments in blogging aren't totally boring.

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  24. I was very green and shy in my con-going days

    I guess this is one of the reasons I don't much mind the cons when I do go. I dunno how green I am, ever was or might be, but shy? Never been an issue with me. ;p

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  25. Lynn, what about conventions outside the US?
    Ever had one in France? I mean, I see loads of young wanna-be writers walking around here in Paris, like all around Notre Dame, trying to write their first novel around the "romantically" charged atmosphere of the Seine, legs dangling over the edge.
    they sneer at other tourists from America and i see longing for greatness in their eyes^^

    Hope this makes sense

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  26. Between your list and Shiloh's, I'm actually pretty happy I'm staying at home. Also, there are these books I need to finish, which a big interruption in the form of RT would not help.

    As for the fishnet, leather skirt and bustier, I haven't dressed like that for, um, 6 years. I've matured. OK, I had kids and now the leather doesn't fit.

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  27. I swear, every time I sat down at a table filled with lovely comfy-looking older ladies at RWA last year they ended up being Sweet or Inspirational writers-I write erotic romance so conversation waned pretty damn quickly...

    (My sister in the UK highly recommended your vampire books-I have the first one near the top of my TBR pile.)

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  28. A kitten convention?

    *runs away screaming*

    The scars, look at the scars!

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  29. Thanks, I love my present. But I still sort of wanna play.

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  30. I only heard of RT this time last year, and it was an hour down the road in Daytona. Someone recommended that I go down for the Sat morning signing - holy freaking cat dodoo batman! The rabidness, the happy happy joy joy squeeing of women buried under suitcases of books, and the icing on the cake? The line for a Laurell K Hamilton signature!

    What an eye opener. I'm not sure I've convinced myself that all the money's worth it yet. We shall see for next year.

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  31. angela-from dc7:47 PM

    SUPER SNARK. I KNEW there was a reason I LUV your books.It could be worse, I remember when old kitty was "encouraging" the authors to help hawk her "sea algae pills" at the RT conventions.

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  32. I've decided #8 is the one I'm missing most. Ahhhh, it gives me a flashback to Dallas in July with the Mary Kay Vs RWA.

    No wonder I'm pining.

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  33. Lynn --

    About #3 - 3. Missing all the fangirls who, no matter how many books you've published, have never heard of you or your novels, which don't really look all that interesting, btw, and shouldn't be published in their favorite genre, which is written SO much better by the author they're semi-stalking, and it's their God-given fangirl duty to loudly inform you of this, preferably when you're in the middle of giving a workshop or a signing.


    Been there, seen this and had it done! The line I got was "Oh, you write for Harlequin? I NEVER read those....."

    Bodily harm was ever-so-close..

    Terri

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  34. Anonymous1:15 PM

    This is a freakin' awesome post. Thanks for the laugh!

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  35. I'm back from RT and happy that I didn't experience any of the negative things. I presented on three workshops and panels, sold a good amount of books at the booksigning, hung out and talked business with lots of friends i don't get to see very often and, had a load of fun performing in Vampires of the Wild, Wild, West.

    RT and conventions aren't for everyone, that's true, but some of us benefit and have a great time, too.

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