Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Out There

There is nothing wrong with your computer. Do not attempt to adjust the screen. We are now controlling PBW. We control the horizontal slant and the vertical limit, whatever they are. We can deluge you with a thousand parodies or expand one single sarcastic post to painful clarity and beyond. We can shape your vision of the industry to anything our imagination can conceive.

No, we are not Publishers Weekly. Good guess, though.

For the next four days we will control all that you see and hear here. You are about to experience the awe and mystery which reaches from the deepest inner mind of an author to . . .


The Outer Limits of Publishing


[Today please welcome Dr. Karla "Karlie" Knutchazer, eminent and acclaimed damaged-writer psychologist and author of the upcoming self-help guide to healthier self-image for self-conscious storytellers, My Book's Okay, Your Book's Okay, So Please Don't Worry Or Feel Insecure Or Unhappy If Mine Sells And Yours Doesn't, It's Not A Reflection On Your Talent, You Dear Person.]

Greetings to all you dear people,

Please allow me to re-introduce myself as your new friend, Karlie. It's important for you to view me as a friend, not an enemy. I can only guess how intimidating it must be for fragile, impressionable souls like yourselves to encounter someone much more educated, well-adjusted and successful. Yet you can allow my expertise and insights help you evolve into the writer you were meant to be. Yes, dear friends, someday you can quit working in that unhealthy trans-fat-saturated environment and have the dignified profession that you've always dreamed of.

I'm so deeply, truly happy to be here for you today. First, let me mention the perfect means with which to help you overcome whatever is blocking your muse and assist you in releasing those stories that remain trapped inside your poignant, poverty-tempered souls: My Book's Okay, Your Book's Okay, So Please Don't Worry Or Feel Insecure Or Unhappy If Mine Sells And Yours Doesn't, It's Not A Reflection On Your Talent, You Dear Person. Yes, as a special gift for communing with me here at PBW, I'm going to make available to you for three easy payments of $99.95 the exclusive, full pre-release 20-hour audio version of my guide to writer self-image awareness and improvement, narrated by myself, so it will be as if I were visiting you in your very own home.

My research has shown me how painful and difficult it has been for all of you to pursue the writing life, but I am not here to patronize you. Oh, no! Instead, I want to explore every nuance of your pain, every degree of your personal struggle so that you and other unfortunates like you can open the inner windows that rejection and your totally understandable inadequacies have painted shut over time. Unfortunately my time today is limited, so perhaps a few of you could post comments here to give me a brief synopsis of your suffering. Ten words or less should do nicely.

Yes, we can work together through this tormenting period in your career to achieve for you something like a modest sale to a conference chapbook or fan magazine that pays in contributor copies. Such a monumental achievement will invigorate your muse (and if the three very easy payments of $99.95 prove to be too much at this time, I will send you the first 10 hours of the audio version of My Book's Okay, Your Book's Okay, So Please Don't Worry Or Feel Insecure Or Unhappy If Mine Sells And Yours Doesn't, It's Not A Reflection On Your Talent, You Dear Person for two ridiculously easy payments of $99.95, and reserve the second 10 hours of this book that could be so helpful to you until you work a few double shifts at the fryalator and can make up the outrageously easy balance of $99.95.)

Gather around me in a virtual circle now. In your thoughts, imagine yourself joining hands with thousands of other writers who, like you, have nothing better to do and so may fully benefit from the wisdom and power emanating from my center (which I am giving you at no extra charge here today.) When you feel comfortable with your surroundings and your company, please draw on your writing spirit or higher power to show the proper gratitude by investing in my MBOYBOSPDWOFIOUIMSAYDINAROYTYDP audio tapes (please note that I only accept PayPal for the very affordable and laughably easy three payments of $99.95, and the tapes will not ship until after the third payment has cleared.)

Hmmmmmm. I do sense some genuinely determined writerly spirits out there, but unfortunately no new payments have been received by my PayPal account. Oh, my, look at the time! I completely forgot about the pre-order book talk I agreed to give at Amazon.com's writer chat this morning. (A note to PBW: I assumed that at the very least you would invest in my My Book's Okay, Your Book's Okay, So Please Don't Worry Or Feel Insecure Or Unhappy If Mine Sells And Yours Doesn't, It's Not A Reflection On Your Talent, You Dear Person guide to becoming a writer with a healthier self-image. Not to be unkind, but I feel you of all writers desperately need this help. That and these rather bizarre-looking beings who took over your blog aren't paying me a dime for my guest post.)

As for you dear, dear people, I feel certain that you will do the right thing for your future by purchasing as soon as possible what can help you as no other writing self-help resource (for three insanely easy payments of $99.95, my MBOYBOSPDWOFIOUIMSAYDINAROYTYDP guide.)

In the meantime, try to work a few more double shifts, won't you?

Ciao!
Karlie

We now return control of your computer to you, until tomorrow, at the same time when We Who Control PBW will take you to...

The Outer Limits of Publishing

24 comments:

  1. ... my suffering...

    well, i am really craving some chocolate right now, but i'm trying to be good.

    does that count? oops. went over ten words...

    ;)

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  2. Dearest, dearest Shiloh,

    I'm so attuned to your self-sacrifice, as these funny-looking creatures won't let me log out and it seems I'm stuck here for a time.

    You know, in Chapter 3 of my MBOYBOSPDWOFIOUIMSAYDINAROYTYDP guide I discuss ways to deal with addiction. Yes, chocolate may seem harmless at first, especially when it's only a small bag of M&Ms or half a Snickers, but then the sugar triggers something in brains like yours and the next thing you know you're piling bags of Dove minis and handfuls of Lindor truffles into your grocery cart. That money could be much better spent on something like, why, my latest release.

    I know you'll do the right thing, dear. While you're working your way toward that goal, would you call PBW's ISP and have them shut down this weblog? I could even see my way to sending you a small box of Godiva as an expression of thanks.

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  3. you're right... i'll do the right thing.

    i figure a white russian will do just the thing! and that way i won't have to go to the store for the dove minis....

    but i can't call the ISP, sorry!

    I'm uh... nursing a broken hangnail... yeah, that's it. better get offline here and go soak it. and drink my white russian.

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  4. Oy oy oy oy oy oy oy oy oy oy.

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  5. I just discovered I write at an almost seventh-grade level.

    Must be all those dropped 'g's, interrupted words and trailed off sentences. Dang realistic dialogue will drag your writing right down everytime. LOL!

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  6. My above post was in reference to Microsoft Words' fuction that will 'rate' your level of writing. A great way to waste time. *g*

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  7. Karlie! Thank you, thank you, thank you for this wonderful offer! I'm currently working 27 hours a day so I can afford your marvellous audio tapes at an astonishingly bargain basement price of three pitiful payments of $99.95! (You deserve so much more.)

    I have no doubt those tapes will help me as those other three thousand self-help tapes didn't. Why, they kept telling me to actually write! The nerve of them!

    I look forward to picking up the tapes, personally.

    Thanks heaps for your interest in my well-being. I'm sure we'll succeed together just like you said, and I'm sure you have plenty of room for me at your lavish luxury home.

    See you soon,
    lotsa lurve,
    Jaye

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  8. ...power emanating from my center...

    In erotica 'virtual circles', we have a more "fluid" name for that, Karlie.

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  9. Oh Karlie, how did you know that it's my dream to be paid in contributor's copies?

    As a starving writer working on my 250,000 word post-modern, neo-punk urban fantasy forensic chick-lit serial killer thriller, I don't exactly have 3 easy payments of 99.95. Will you take Canadian Tire money?

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  10. the dignified profession that you've always dreamed of.

    Wait...dignified? I use writing as an excuse to be UNdignified. Sheesh, if I'd wanted dignified, I could have stayed at my last job. Huh...could have afforded the three payments on that job, too. The irony. ^-*

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  11. Stunned.
    Just. stunned...
    Mistress, we are unworthy.

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  12. The question that consumes me about the writerly life--do I need to invest in a pink suit? I live in Wyoming. I don't think they sell those in Wyoming. I would have to travel.

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  13. I’m find myself writing under the premise, “If I write it, they will read,” how can I overcome this delusion?

    By the way, I ordered your audio tapes when they first came out and have yet to receive them, although my credit card has already been billed for the first two installments.

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  14. *joins bernita*

    SO NOT WORTHY!

    I find myself torn between writing for fun or profit. Pray tell, how can I cure myself of this affliction?

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  15. Well, since Shiloh heartlessly and completely abandoned me for the dubious pleasures of white russians, these sadistic creatures have me trapped on this blog and PBW refuses to answer my emergency IMs.....

    Dearest Gina wrote: Oy oy oy oy oy oy oy oy oy oy.

    Oh, my poor, poor girl, you simply must do something about that stutter. Try listening to Chapter 7 in my MBOYBOSPDWOFIOUIMSAYDINAROYTYDP guide, "How to Disguise The Poor Posture, Obesity, Unattractive Facial Hair And Speech Impediments That Are Keeping You From Achieving Personal Success." I feel as if I wrote this chapter personally just for YOU.

    Dear, darling Patrice wrote: I just discovered I write at an almost seventh-grade level.

    Well, dear, perhaps your stories will never be read by someone with a PhD in damaged-writer psychology, but there is always hope. Someday soon you will graduate high school and attend a nice little community college where I'm sure you'll gain the sort of technical skills that appeal to managers trying to fill entry-level positions with people who aren't too proud to work for minimum wage and all the Big Macs they can eat.

    Somewhat scary Jaye wrote: Karlie! Thank you, thank you, thank you for this wonderful offer! I'm currently working 27 hours a day so I can afford your marvellous audio tapes at an astonishingly bargain basement price of three pitiful payments of $99.95! (You deserve so much more.)

    Yes, I do. Sigh. Keep up the good work, my dear person.

    I look forward to picking up the tapes, personally.

    Now dearest, I know people of your educational limitations have a tendency to gravitate toward becoming stalkers, but I assure you that it isn't necessary. My shipping and handling fees ($50.00 plus processing and packaging) are worth every penny.

    I'm sure we'll succeed together just like you said, and I'm sure you have plenty of room for me at your lavish luxury home.

    Oh, well, dear, you see....that simply won't be possible as I'm touring all over the country for at least the next several years. But thank you for thinking of me. (Hello? Strange alien beings who have me trapped here? Time to let me go home....)

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  16. Your Friend Karlie11:54 AM

    Still no response. Could someone forward this post to the FBI? I fear there may be ransom payments being demanded for my release. Meanwhile I will bravely continue on.....

    Dear, sweet Raine said about the awesome power emanating from my center: In erotica 'virtual circles', we have a more "fluid" name for that, Karlie.

    I'm sure you do, dear one, which is why I'm gratified that we don't move in the same circles. If you'll listen to Chapter 11 of my MBOYBOSPDWOFIOUIMSAYDINAROYTYDP guide, "How To Meet New Friends, Influence Powerful People and Rid Yourself Of Those Who Claim To Be Friends But Whose Sole And Secret Purpose Is To Drag Your Reputation Through The Mud" I think you'll see why.

    Our Dear One to the North, Darlene wrote: Oh Karlie, how did you know that it's my dream to be paid in contributor's copies?

    Mumsey always said I had the intuition of a food-deprived rodent, but she was jealous because Dadums loved me better.

    As a starving writer working on my 250,000 word post-modern, neo-punk urban fantasy forensic chick-lit serial killer thriller, I don't exactly have 3 easy payments of 99.95. Will you take Canadian Tire money?

    Dear, I would like nothing better than to accept your foreign currency, but alas, I am bound by the limitations of Paypal. My suggestion would be to get a job waiting tables at the nearest dining facility that would actually hire someone like you and save up your tips, and then have them converted into US dollars. Or simply ask your customers to tip you with American money, that would be faster.

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  17. Shiloh heartlessly and completely abandoned me for the dubious pleasures of white russians

    Hey! There is nothing dubious about the pleasure of a white russian.

    And I didn't leave because of that... it was that dang hangnail. Okay, I'll admit it. I just don't feel worthy enough to remain in your shining online presence.

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  18. Dear Karlie,

    My forehead is bleeding, and there's a rapidly widening red spot on the wall. Help!!!

    I would dearly love to buy your tapes, but all I have are pennies. Do you accept payment in pennies?

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  19. Karlie, hon, isn't there anything on your tapes that'll help you out of your predicament? If not, are they really worth all those $99.95's?

    Just askin'.

    yrs, warily, A Squirrel Writer In Need

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  20. ...I'm sure you do, dear one, which is why I'm gratified that we don't move in the same circles.


    Ah-ha-haaa! Good snark!
    Ordering right away! *snort!*

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  21. Your Friend Karlie6:37 PM

    All right, dear new friends not of my choosing, these things running this blog say they won't release the lock on the door until I respond to your "suffering" (although I do believe the only one here in authentic pain is me. Have you ever seen PBW's office? Antarctica has more visual appeal.)

    Endearingly dear Andi wrote: Wait...dignified? I use writing as an excuse to be UNdignified.

    Yes, dearest, I know, and that's why you like so many commenters here so desperately need my guidance. Because you're completely wrong about the writing life -- it need NEVER be undignified, nor you need NEVER humiliate yourself. More than you do simply by being who you are, I mean.

    Sheesh, if I'd wanted dignified, I could have stayed at my last job. Huh...could have afforded the three payments on that job, too. The irony.

    I'm sure if you call your previous employer and beg a little, you can get the job back. Think of all the good it will do, both for my Paypal account and your future as a writer.

    Bernita, who finally showed the proper respect when she wrote: Mistress, we are unworthy.

    Of course you are, sweet one. Which is why I am devoting myself to making you worthy, all for only three easy payments of $99.95.

    Distant but dear Becca wrote: The question that consumes me about the writerly life--do I need to invest in a pink suit?

    That, dearling, is covered in Chapter 15 of my MBOYBOSPDWOFIOUIMSAYDINAROYTYDP guide, "How The Power Of The Color Pink Can Convince Others In The Publishing Industry That You Are Charitable, Extremely Feminine Or Homosexual But In That Non-Threatening, Non-Leather-Bar Manner Of The Gentle Gay Person."

    I live in Wyoming. I don't think they sell those in Wyoming. I would have to travel.

    Ah, but there are links in the back of my guide to many online department stores which stock the appropriate pink garments. Yet another reason to purchase my very affordable guide to self-image improvement.

    Jill, dear though she has not come through with full payment for my guide yet, wrote: I’m find myself writing under the premise, “If I write it, they will read,” how can I overcome this delusion?

    That I detail in Chapter 17 of my guide, "Using Tears, Hysterics, Threats Of Suicide And Other Forms Of Emotional Blackmail With Which To Motivate Bulk Purchases Of One's Latest Release By One's Family, Circle Of Friends, Church, PTA Group And Random Strangers Encountered In Public Restrooms."

    By the way, I ordered your audio tapes when they first came out and have yet to receive them, although my credit card has already been billed for the first two installments.

    The tapes will not ship until that very important third payment is received, Jill. Be a good doo-bee and call your credit card company tonight, and I will personally see that your set is shipped as soon as sometime in March or April 2007.

    Appropriately prostrate and dear Amie wrote: SO NOT WORTHY!

    Perhaps I don't have to leave quite so soon.....

    I find myself torn between writing for fun or profit. Pray tell, how can I cure myself of this affliction?

    After investing in my guide, and perhaps extra copies for your closest friends, I suggest joining a writer's organization like RWA or SFWA. There is nothing better to erradicate those inappropriate urges for "fun" and the vulgarity of writing for "profit" than joining forces with several thousand peers who engage daily for hours in self-reflection and have the proper, serious attitude toward the writing life.

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  22. Shiloh, not quite as dear to me as she was at her first comment, wrote: I just don't feel worthy enough to remain in your shining online presence.

    Well, why didn't you say so in the first place, dear one? Completely understandable. I have that affect on almost everyone I meet.

    Carter, whose poor dear head needs rather more than a bandaid, wrote: My forehead is bleeding, and there's a rapidly widening red spot on the wall. Help!!!

    Help is here, dear, dear, boy. Stop the pain of self-torment by purchasing my guide and never again be forced to scrub those unsightly bloodstains from the wallpaper.

    I would dearly love to buy your tapes, but all I have are pennies. Do you accept payment in pennies?

    On second thought, I rather like wall coverings with unusual color patterns.

    The one with the cutest most endearing name, Buffysquirrel, wrote: Karlie, hon, isn't there anything on your tapes that'll help you out of your predicament? If not, are they really worth all those $99.95's?

    Oh, yes, they are. Unfortunately I did not have the chance to research how to escape obnoxious aliens bent on forcing one to guest blog for an entire day -- but never fear, that will be included in my next self-help guide to improve the self-image of self-conscious internet-savvy writers, My Blog's Okay, Your Blog's Okay, So Please Don't Worry Or Feel Insecure Or Unhappy If My Hit Counter Goes Into The Seven Figures And Yours Doesn't, It's Not A Reflection On Your Ability to Blog Well, You Dear Person.

    And at last, dear Raine wisely wrote: Ah-ha-haaa! Good snark!
    Ordering right away!


    Well, finally someone has the good sense to listen to me.

    You know, you dear people, I would love to stay and explore more of your personal suffering, but the aliens have unlocked the door and I have to go and catch up with Carl Hiassen at his latest signing. Carl and I are going to become ever such good friends, I just know it. Why, we've attended at least a dozen of the same writer conferences!

    I will leave you with this one last bit of advice: do, somehow, with all your best efforts, purchase my guide so that you can become the writers you were meant to be. And until that happens, perhaps you could also try to learn how to count to ten.

    Ciao!
    Karlie

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  23. These posts are making my head hurt. I don't like to think, I try to stay away from it :)
    Matt

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  24. Erm, one, two, acorn, shoe...

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