No, we are not Publishers Weekly. Good guess, though.
For the next four days we will control all that you see and hear here. You are about to experience the awe and mystery which reaches from the deepest inner mind of an author to . . .
The Outer Limits of Publishing
[Today please welcome Dr. Karla "Karlie" Knutchazer, eminent and acclaimed damaged-writer psychologist and author of the upcoming self-help guide to healthier self-image for self-conscious storytellers, My Book's Okay, Your Book's Okay, So Please Don't Worry Or Feel Insecure Or Unhappy If Mine Sells And Yours Doesn't, It's Not A Reflection On Your Talent, You Dear Person.]
Greetings to all you dear people,
Please allow me to re-introduce myself as your new friend, Karlie. It's important for you to view me as a friend, not an enemy. I can only guess how intimidating it must be for fragile, impressionable souls like yourselves to encounter someone much more educated, well-adjusted and successful. Yet you can allow my expertise and insights help you evolve into the writer you were meant to be. Yes, dear friends, someday you can quit working in that unhealthy trans-fat-saturated environment and have the dignified profession that you've always dreamed of.
I'm so deeply, truly happy to be here for you today. First, let me mention the perfect means with which to help you overcome whatever is blocking your muse and assist you in releasing those stories that remain trapped inside your poignant, poverty-tempered souls: My Book's Okay, Your Book's Okay, So Please Don't Worry Or Feel Insecure Or Unhappy If Mine Sells And Yours Doesn't, It's Not A Reflection On Your Talent, You Dear Person. Yes, as a special gift for communing with me here at PBW, I'm going to make available to you for three easy payments of $99.95 the exclusive, full pre-release 20-hour audio version of my guide to writer self-image awareness and improvement, narrated by myself, so it will be as if I were visiting you in your very own home.
My research has shown me how painful and difficult it has been for all of you to pursue the writing life, but I am not here to patronize you. Oh, no! Instead, I want to explore every nuance of your pain, every degree of your personal struggle so that you and other unfortunates like you can open the inner windows that rejection and your totally understandable inadequacies have painted shut over time. Unfortunately my time today is limited, so perhaps a few of you could post comments here to give me a brief synopsis of your suffering. Ten words or less should do nicely.
Yes, we can work together through this tormenting period in your career to achieve for you something like a modest sale to a conference chapbook or fan magazine that pays in contributor copies. Such a monumental achievement will invigorate your muse (and if the three very easy payments of $99.95 prove to be too much at this time, I will send you the first 10 hours of the audio version of My Book's Okay, Your Book's Okay, So Please Don't Worry Or Feel Insecure Or Unhappy If Mine Sells And Yours Doesn't, It's Not A Reflection On Your Talent, You Dear Person for two ridiculously easy payments of $99.95, and reserve the second 10 hours of this book that could be so helpful to you until you work a few double shifts at the fryalator and can make up the outrageously easy balance of $99.95.)
Gather around me in a virtual circle now. In your thoughts, imagine yourself joining hands with thousands of other writers who, like you, have nothing better to do and so may fully benefit from the wisdom and power emanating from my center (which I am giving you at no extra charge here today.) When you feel comfortable with your surroundings and your company, please draw on your writing spirit or higher power to show the proper gratitude by investing in my MBOYBOSPDWOFIOUIMSAYDINAROYTYDP audio tapes (please note that I only accept PayPal for the very affordable and laughably easy three payments of $99.95, and the tapes will not ship until after the third payment has cleared.)
Hmmmmmm. I do sense some genuinely determined writerly spirits out there, but unfortunately no new payments have been received by my PayPal account. Oh, my, look at the time! I completely forgot about the pre-order book talk I agreed to give at Amazon.com's writer chat this morning. (A note to PBW: I assumed that at the very least you would invest in my My Book's Okay, Your Book's Okay, So Please Don't Worry Or Feel Insecure Or Unhappy If Mine Sells And Yours Doesn't, It's Not A Reflection On Your Talent, You Dear Person guide to becoming a writer with a healthier self-image. Not to be unkind, but I feel you of all writers desperately need this help. That and these rather bizarre-looking beings who took over your blog aren't paying me a dime for my guest post.)
As for you dear, dear people, I feel certain that you will do the right thing for your future by purchasing as soon as possible what can help you as no other writing self-help resource (for three insanely easy payments of $99.95, my MBOYBOSPDWOFIOUIMSAYDINAROYTYDP guide.)
In the meantime, try to work a few more double shifts, won't you?
We now return control of your computer to you, until tomorrow, at the same time when We Who Control PBW will take you to...