Ten Holiday Decorations That I Can't Stand
1. Any cute figurine that comes to life, talks and dances the minute something moves within two feet of it.
One year Santa is going to bring me that bazooka I keep putting on my list, you know.
2. Cheap outdoor plastic, light-up Nativity scenes.
During the first strong breeze those poor shepherds are going to fall over and look like they're having a threesome with Blessed Mother, right in front of Joseph and the baby.
3. Christians who put out Hanukkah decorations to be fair or whatever.
That stick on the dreidel? Does not get planted in the ground. It's a top, not a tree. And STOP putting singing Christmas bulbs in the menorah.
4. Decorating with Santa Claus, snow man, reindeer, teddy bear or angel heads.
At no time during "Deck the Halls" does it say do it with decapitations.
5. Draping or wrapping every square inch of furniture in a house with glittering garland.
I want to take off my sunglasses when I come inside, thanks.
6. Dressing up the mailbox with cutesy holiday stuff.
Talk about rubbing salt in your letter carrier's wounds. Don't you ever wonder why they go postal?
7. (Florida residents only) Displaying anything with the words "Let it Snow!" on it.
Move back up north, please. At once.
8. Lighting up a twenty-foot tall cross on the lawn with blinking, multicolored lights.
Somehow I just don't think Jesus wants a fun, festive reminder of that.
9. Old inflatable Santas that do not remain completely inflated.
Santa looks like he's been on a three-week bender or someone beat the crap out of him. Patch the damn thing or get rid of it.
10. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer figurines with an other-than-red lightbulb in the nose.
If I have to explain this to you, you are not allowed to decorate for the holidays.