Sunday, November 19, 2006

Decoration No-Nos

Ten Holiday Decorations That I Can't Stand

1. Any cute figurine that comes to life, talks and dances the minute something moves within two feet of it.

One year Santa is going to bring me that bazooka I keep putting on my list, you know.

2. Cheap outdoor plastic, light-up Nativity scenes.

During the first strong breeze those poor shepherds are going to fall over and look like they're having a threesome with Blessed Mother, right in front of Joseph and the baby.

3. Christians who put out Hanukkah decorations to be fair or whatever.

That stick on the dreidel? Does not get planted in the ground. It's a top, not a tree. And STOP putting singing Christmas bulbs in the menorah.

4. Decorating with Santa Claus, snow man, reindeer, teddy bear or angel heads.

At no time during "Deck the Halls" does it say do it with decapitations.

5. Draping or wrapping every square inch of furniture in a house with glittering garland.

I want to take off my sunglasses when I come inside, thanks.

6. Dressing up the mailbox with cutesy holiday stuff.

Talk about rubbing salt in your letter carrier's wounds. Don't you ever wonder why they go postal?

7. (Florida residents only) Displaying anything with the words "Let it Snow!" on it.

Move back up north, please. At once.

8. Lighting up a twenty-foot tall cross on the lawn with blinking, multicolored lights.

Somehow I just don't think Jesus wants a fun, festive reminder of that.

9. Old inflatable Santas that do not remain completely inflated.

Santa looks like he's been on a three-week bender or someone beat the crap out of him. Patch the damn thing or get rid of it.

10. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer figurines with an other-than-red lightbulb in the nose.

If I have to explain this to you, you are not allowed to decorate for the holidays.

17 comments:

  1. Thank you for defending the driedel. And I'm giggling over decking the halls with decapitations now.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you.
    ~pounding the table yelling YES!~
    Except for #1.
    My husband brought home a fuzzy yellow bird with a Santa cap that bobs and chirps "Jingle Bells" and other assorted carols - off key.
    Chirp-chirp-chirp...chirp-chirp-chirp...chirp-CHIRP-chirp-chirp-CHIRP!
    It's so bloody horrible and tacky that it sets me off in giggle fits.
    Has a place of honour every year.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I so hear you. Especially on the the dancing, jingling, moving whatervers. It's more annoying than funny to watch Santa dance the macarena, especially after the 45th time.

    I also can'ts stand any large inflatable ornament. Thanks to my neighbors 20 foot lawn Santa, my son doesn't want him in our house anymore.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Could be worse... My neighbors had a 15 ft tall inflatable Pink Panther with a Santa cap that had a place of honor on their roof for years!!!

    ReplyDelete
  5. "Move back up north, please. At once."

    Are you out of your mind? Do you know how long it took us to get them to move south?

    Be patient. The bazooka is coming.

    ReplyDelete
  6. At no time during "Deck the Halls" does it say do it with decapitations.

    Damn - and I've been saving up mouse heads all year! Some of them are getting a mite smelly though...

    ReplyDelete
  7. My cleaning lady tells me that many houses put up thier Christmas decorations the day after HALLOWEEN. Now that is early, in my opinion.
    I live in the countryside rural area and some people never take their lights down. That's just lazy.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I rarely decorate. Call me Scrooge.

    ReplyDelete
  9. These made me laugh. Thank you.
    I put up a Christmas tree because I like the twinkly lights and because I made a set of decorations in cross-stitch years ago and am sufficiently proud of them that I like to display them. And I fill the mantelpiece with Christmas cards because that gives me an excuse not to dust it for a month. But I make sure I take everything down on Twelfth Night. Call me superstitious.

    ReplyDelete
  10. "Deck the halls with decapitations ..."

    ROFL

    ReplyDelete
  11. Hi,

    I thought that I left a comment on your blog on Oct. 6th but I can't find it so I must be misstaken, anyway please check out my blog. www.ptannerauthor.blogspot.com.

    I would love it if you would review my book, Mercy Triumphs. Please let me know what you think. My e-mail is authorptanner@msn.com

    Thanks,

    Patricia

    ReplyDelete
  12. Patricia wrote: I thought that I left a comment on your blog on Oct. 6th but I can't find it so I must be misstaken, anyway please check out my blog. www.ptannerauthor.blogspot.com.

    I checked my comment archives and found no comment from you. If you had posted this in October, I would have told you the following:

    PBW was created to be a resource site for writers, and a place to discuss the business of writing. It's not a place to use as free advertising for your book. Anyone who writes or reads is welcome here, and I don't censor comments, but I will delete anything that is obvious SPAM, and that includes a comment like the one you left here.

    I would love it if you would review my book, Mercy Triumphs. Please let me know what you think.

    Sorry, I'm not a reviewer, so I can't help you with that, either. Good luck with it.

    ReplyDelete
  13. "I also can'ts stand any large inflatable ornament. Thanks to my neighbors 20 foot lawn Santa, my son doesn't want him in our house anymore."

    Air rifles were invented for just that purpose.

    We stick to strings of fairy lights, tinsel and a tree. Music and motion are right out. It's the season of giving, and they don't mean headaches.

    ReplyDelete
  14. There's a house I passed every day Christmas that had about 40 of those giant inflatables in their yard. At night, it was quite ... well, festive, I guess, in a garish and traffic-distracting way. But they turned the fans off during the day, which left it looking like someone had gone postal at the North Pole. Quite, quite disturbing - I had to take a different route if I had the kids in the car.

    Our house will be sporting minimalist decorations this year, thanks to our new berserker cat.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I gotta post another story -
    A house about 5 miles from mine puts up a big, display of several thousand lights, figures, etc... They always get a big crowd driving by to see the display .
    One year, their neighbor made a Christmas tree out of empty, plastic gallon-sized, milk containers and pushed colored lights into the containers.
    It was great satire and everyone laughed at the "spectacle."

    ReplyDelete
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