Inscription No-Nos

Ten Things You Probably Shouldn't Inscribe in Your Novel
(dedicated to Miss Kate)

1. Being a bestselling author and the next great voice in American Literature does not make me your free therapist. Next time, tell your silly sob story about working two jobs just so you can afford to buy my books to the other low-income losers like you standing in line. Coldly, Ona Highhorse

2. Thanks for loving me, babe. Stop by Howard Johnson's tonight after the booksigning -- room 678. Bring some wine, silk stockings and condoms, and be ready to tie and spank. Lustfully, Dick Everhard

3. If you were really my devoted fan, you'd be buying more than one copy of this. So where's the love? Huh? Huh? Hotly, Dee Manding

4. My editor made me change like every other word in this book, and I can't stand the bitch, so if you don't enjoy it, would you write to my publisher and complain about the editing? Maybe they'll fire her this time. Gratefully, Don Touchmaprose

5. Nice free ARC, cheapskate. Stick a crowbar in your wallet next time and pay to buy a real book, and maybe then I'll sign it. And if I catch it on eBay? I'm going to sue your pants off. (Unsigned)

6. Please note that this is the first thing I've published since I caught my pond-scum ex cheating on me with my best friend. What a joke. That judge practically ordered him to be publicly stripped and flogged. He thought he could destroy my career as thoroughly as he did our marriage, but as you can see, I won. The house, the car, the tiumeshare in Epcott and the joint checking. And my best friend? You must read my review of her latest novel, hahahahahaha. Oooooh, and remember to pick up my next book, The Diseased Cowboy and the Runaway Bride Who Shoots Him in the Crotch, which got FIVE STARS at RomanceDitzes.com. Not that I gave them to myself. The initials J.D. are just a coincidence. Sincerely, Jess Divorced

7. Sorry I sneezed on this, but I did wipe the boogers off. Have you had a flu shot? Yours Truly, Rosie Nose

8. Spending $7.99 on this does not entitle you to have personal contact with me. Anywhere. Comprende? Stiffly, Hannah-Sandy Tizer

9. To the most boring person of indeterminate IQ whom I have ever encountered: I admire you for setting your sights so high, but I don't think you should attempt anything else of mine until you can read without moving your lips. Unaffectionately, Ima Snobb

10. You'll like this so much better than the last awful, clunky, ridiculous piece of trash which that drooling fat idiot cow who has the audacity to call herself a professional writer, Bertha Bigbucks, just published. And did you know she stole that plot from me? Righteously Yours, Vera Green