Euphemisery

"Marcia," John said, glancing respectfully at her womanly curves. "I think we've reached the point in our special time together that it would be acceptable for you and I to consensually agree to reach for the apex of our love and merge our hearts, minds, souls, and engage our other parts into a symphony of such sweetness as to be beyond my power to describe appropriately."

John's personal suggestions usually thrilled Marcia in that special way that utterly transcended all other pleasures yet did not leave any embarrassing moisture on her underclothing, but this time she was somewhat puzzled. She also had other, delicate needs demanding timely attention. "Beg pardon?"

"You know." He gathered her into his arms so that discreet contact points could be created between them. "We've discovered that we are perfect soulmates, haven't we?"

John had torn down the unpleasant infant expulsion-colored wallpaper in his library purely as a most welcomed but not expected salve for her sensibilities, so Marcia knew he was the gentleman for her. No one else had ever worshipped her femininity with such tactful tenderness. As for her other needs, perhaps if she placed one ankle over the
other . . .

"Marcia?" John seemed to desire rather than demand a response.

"Yes, you are my soulmate." She shifted so that one of her lower limb joints pressed into another. "May I please be excused?"

"Not now, darling. Haven't we also rearranged our personal relationships to create closure for those ties which did not benefit either party involved in order to liberate ourselves, each for the other?" When she nodded, John smiled and kissed the place between her nose and chin. "I know we're ready to better explore our unique and possibly life-changing emotional connection. By coming together in this singular and indescribably uplifting--"

"I apologize for interrupting," Marcia said, her eyes bulging slightly, "but I must leave you so that I may briefly visit the smallest room on this floor and powder my nose."

"Your nose is perfect," John assured her. "As I was saying, by coming together in that edifying and greatly stimulating --"

Marcia's eyes began to water. "John, I apologize again, but if I don't powder my nose right this minute, I'm afraid something humiliating will happen, our relationship will crumble and your lovely carpet will end up stained." She withdrew emphatically from his gentle embrace and departed with haste.

Now it was John's turn to be baffled. "I don't understand, Darling." He followed her to the smallest room on that floor and found the door locked. "What are you doing? What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I'm relieving myself."

"Of what?"

"Urine. For God's sake, John. I'm peeing in here."

"I beg your pardon?" John winced as he heard the activation of the waste removal system. "Sweetheart, you do know that this isn't that sort of novel. Our author holds herself above that sort of base, tawdry, vulgar, inappropriate and offensive dialogue. Always remember, what you're doing is one of the unmentionables."

The door opened with unusual speed. "One of the what?"

"The unmentionables. I'm sorry; I assumed you were given the list. Here." John removed a paper from his jacket pocket and handed it to Marcia, who began to read.

"So we can't use the common terms for alcoholism, alternative lifestyles, bathroom functions, bdsm, childbirth, death, drug addiction, environmental issues, gay or lesbian persons, handicaps, hookers, masturbation, my breasts, my vagina, persons of African, Asian or other-than-American origin, politics, religion, sex of any kind, the anal area, violence or your penis?" As John inclined his head, Marcia sighed. "What about that time you and your cousin Rocky got drunk and compared weenie sizes in the men's room at the Hoe Down?"

John shook his head. "You mustn't use the "w" word, Darling. We only refer to that area in total indirectly, as 'manly parts.' And that incident, while amusing, is far too suggestive and homoerotic -- here, just let me write it in." John produced a pen and added "weenie comparison, Cuz R." to the list.

Marcia had a lot of memorizing to do. "So what were you asking me before I had to run and p -- relieve myself? Is it on here?"

John turned over the list and pointed to a phrase on the back. "That. I'd like to do that with you. As soon as it's convenient."

Marcia nodded and ran her finger down the list. "That sounds good. And that. I really like that. Never tried that, but -- oooooh, can you do that?"

"Hmmmmm." John peered at the list. "We'll need vegetable oil, bungee cords, Toll House Morsels, Kevin Sorbo and lots of dry ice, but okay, sure."

Marcia grinned and allowed the back of her hand to accidentally graze over John's manly parts. "I knew there was a reason that you were my soulmate."