My daughter and I have been talking about someday writing a cookbook together. I've already published some of my own recipes in my GCI books, and I have a lot of things I've invented or recombined that people might like. My kid is like Improv Chef in the Kitchen, so she would spice things up. I just have to hide the hot sauce, salsa and cayenne pepper; she inherited her uncle's asbestos-lined palate.
I'm also currently in month five of The Bark and Twigs Heart-Healthy Diet From Hell. I'd like to put together a reasonable cookbook for other people on this diet, too, because it drives you crazy trying to stick to it and not eat like a myopic squirrel. Honestly, if I see one more whole-grain English muffin, I'm going to develop a facial twitch.
I have tried all the heart-healthy products and know which ones are decent and which taste like cardboard (i.e. whole grain angel hair pasta is okay if you use a thick marinara sauce to drown out the damn "nutty" flavor, but whole grain lasagna noodles are made from strips of cardboard.) And oh, dear Lord, the Smart Balance Products. Don't get me started. How does that company manage to turn something as simple as peanut butter into crunchy fish oil-flavored spackling paste? And their fish oil-flavored margarine substitute? Doesn't melt. Ever. I swear to God, not even in a cast iron skillet on high heat. It just sits there, spreads a tiny bit on the bottom, and then leers at you like Jabba the Hut.
Anyway, thinking about titles for my future cookbooks got me to wondering about other writers, and what we'd see in the cooking section . . .
If Cookbooks Were Written by Fiction Novelists
1. Cool Granola: Make-it-Yourself Breakfast Cereals by Stuart MacBride
2. Hot Chile in the City: Sexy Tex-Mex Recipes by Alison Kent
3. If You Like That Nose Job, Don't Insult My Thai: Gourmet Cuisine by Dr. Douglas Hoffman
4. Kiss Hershey's Goodbye: Handmade Chocolates by Robert Gregory Browne (introduction by Bill Peschel)
5. Love Portions: Romantic Dinners for Two by Monica Jackson
6. Midnight Rapini: Salads and Other Vegan Delights by Holly Lisle
7. Pop Goes the Bundt Cake: Cooking with Coca-Cola by Rosina Lippi
8. Rocky Road Rules: Frozen Desserts by James R. Winter
9. The Next Person Who Offers Me Cheesecake Gets Slapped: Living on a Low-fat, Low-cholesterol Diet by PBW
10. You Cook When I Call You: Last-minute Meals for Unexpected Guests by Douglas Clegg
If you (or your favorite author) were going to write a cookbook, what would be the title, and what sort of cuisine or food would it feature?