Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Normality

From the Normal Paranormal Writers newsletter:

Tired of reading completely implausible paranormal novels featuring silly mythic warriors, ridiculous demon slayers and offensive reconstructive vampire surgeons? Looking for fresh, unique paranormal stories that are both nice and could actually happen in this world, to real people?

Look no further! Normal Paranormal Writers (RWA and SFWA membership approval pending) are dedicated to providing quality paranormal novels featuring only realistic, nice protagonists and plausible plots for a completely safe and satisfying reader experience.

Here are some of the exciting novels for which our members should be signing big deals for any minute now:

1. Call Me Vlad by Jonica Mackson: Telemarketer Tasha Kasha had no idea that selling maintenance-free vinyl castle siding would have her falling in love with the voice from her deepest nightmares.

2. Checkout the Devil by Deidre Dikshrinker: The Evil One is standing in the express line and has more than ten items, what's a good Christian cashier at the end of her shift to do?

3. Dark Convenience by Krissy Freehand: The Big Gulp that he really wanted was Suzy Doozy, but how could he get her to unlock the doors after midnight so he could say the immortal ritual words that would make her his 24/7 woman?

4. Fiends with Benefits by R.J. Draw: After noting that more and more people are calling in sick on the night of a full moon, personnel manager Betty Stetty learns a terrible secret that may utterly destroy the salesforce.

5. If Bangles Burn by Lin Vale: Opening a specialty costume jewelry store during Christmas shopping season is hard enough, but when manager Judy Prudy is kidnapped and forced to redo an injured demonic prince's piercings, can she charm her way back to the mall and freedom?

6. Massage Me Gently by Sheena Gowalter: Physical therapist Mina Deena tried to work the huge knots out of the shoulders of her strange, purple-skinned new client, but there seemed to be something inside them . . . something that wanted out!

7. Midnight Shifters by Stephie King: Tiffany Litany hated working the register with its dumb pictures of food, but she should have never turned her back when the guy wearing the pentagram said he wanted fries with that.

8. Prince of Cubs by Sue SanKranird: Cub Scout Den Mother Beth Pleth isn't sure why all the boys in her troop have 5 o'clock shadows, but her world will turn upside down when she and the lil' shavers go camping with dark and enigmatic Scout Leader Paco "Macho" Loco Lupa.

9. Quiet Tormentor by Elizabeth Stokava: Shushing the noisy cheerleaders writing their term papers was hard enough, but keeping an eye on the red-eyed man lurking in Reference places librarian Gertrude Fine in danger of losing her heart -- and her soul.

10. Undead in Underwear by Merry-Jan Deckemone : Personal shopper Lori Dory can't understand why the mysterious European Count with the thick accent spends so much time following her through her favorite lingerie stores. Is he a cross-dresser, a stalker, or something much more menacing?

Please contact Verity Snicklepickle @ Normal Paranormal Writers for author contact information, offers that will be described as very nice deals in Publisher's Lunch, or sexy fan mail (cute single guys only.) Thank you.

29 comments:

  1. Fiends with Benefits

    Best. Title. Ever.

    DAMN! How come I never think of the good ones?

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  2. Damn PBW! How could you post that without a spew alert! I nearly spilt my coffee on the laptop.

    Shannon's right, Fiends with Benefits is the best title ever.

    ROFL.

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  3. Anonymous2:21 AM

    I'm partial to Undead in Underwear, myself. *snicker* Great job, Sheila!

    Jeri

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  4. Fiends with benefits definitely!

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  5. Is it wrong that I'm dying to read #7? Fries with that...!

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  6. Halfway through, I started to think that some of these sound like plausible book ideas.

    I think I need another coffee.

    Although I could definitely see myself writing "Fiends With Benefits".

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  7. I'm with Dean. About halfway through the list I could picture most of these selling. If I write Fiends with Benefits and it sells do I have to give you a cut?

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  8. Yes, well. Of course, I have read all Jonica Mackson's books, and "Call Me Vlad" sounds like the best one yet.

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  9. Shannon wrote: DAMN! How come I never think of the good ones?

    Let me think. You have too much class?

    Milady wrote: How could you post that without a spew alert!

    What better way to stall the competition than by making them ruin their keyboards?

    Jeri wrote: I'm partial to Undead in Underwear, myself

    My undead wear Armani, or nothing at all.

    Nalini wrote: Fiends with benefits definitely!

    You remember them from that time you worked at the bank, right? :)

    Charlene wrote: Is it wrong that I'm dying to read #7?

    No more wrong than eating fries in the car because they don't taste right anywhere else. :)

    Dean wrote: Although I could definitely see myself writing "Fiends With Benefits".

    Hurry up before Scott Adams steals it for a Dilbert strip.

    Darlene wrote: If I write Fiends with Benefits and it sells do I have to give you a cut?

    No, but you have to dedicate to me. Something modest and simple, you know, that I'm your personal goddess, how much you adore me, etc.

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  10. Kaplooey Mom wrote: Of course, I have read all Jonica Mackson's books, and "Call Me Vlad" sounds like the best one yet.

    That Jonica is one hell of a writer, isn't she? I really liked Mr. Right After I Finish My Latte. Groundbreaking stuff, that.

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  11. Oh, for *&^% sake!
    Another keyboard ruined.

    Vicki

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  12. Hilarious. Where on earth do you find the time to come up with this stuff?

    LOL.

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  13. OMG--some of those concepts DO sound good! *g*

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  14. Deidre Dikshrinker

    ha! Good one!

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  15. Yes! When I can I find "Fiends with Benefits" and "Quiet Tormentor" on the shelves of my local library. Glad I'd put my coffee down when I started reading.

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  16. Promise me that I will find no nudity or S*E*X in any of these books and that all the covers will be tasteful. Thanks for a good laugh

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  17. OMG! That was great. I can totally see all these editors and agents about six months from now wondering why they suddenly have 10 manuscripts entitled Fiends with Benefits, though! :-)

    Shannon

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  18. I think this falls under the "you know you've made it when you are spoofed on Saturday Night Live" heading.

    Hilarious!

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  19. Checkout the Devil by Deidre Dikshrinker: The Evil One is standing in the express line and has more than ten items, what's a good Christian cashier at the end of her shift to do?

    *rofl* I admit this one really blew my mind. Great premise for a romantic comedy of paranormal dimmensions.

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  20. Trace wrote: LMAO!!

    Sure, laugh now. Tomorrow I'm posting cover art. ;)

    Vicki wrote: Oh, for *&^% sake!
    Another keyboard ruined.


    I get kickbacks from IBM and Dell, btw.

    Rob wrote: Where on earth do you find the time to come up with this stuff?

    Folding laundry. I have to think about something else besides where half of all the kids' socks disappear or go nuts.

    Larissa wrote: OMG--some of those concepts DO sound good!

    Hey, hands off, Ms. Three Book Deal.

    Zeek wrote: Deidre Dikshrinker
    ha! Good one!


    She is that.

    Bethany wrote: When I can I find "Fiends with Benefits" and "Quiet Tormentor" on the shelves of my local library.

    I'm putting money on Darlene.

    Edie wrote: Promise me that I will find no nudity or S*E*X in any of these books and that all the covers will be tasteful.

    I'm sure that the Normal Paranormal Writers are eager to uphold the standards of Romance Writers of America.

    Shannon wrote: I can totally see all these editors and agents about six months from now wondering why they suddenly have 10 manuscripts entitled Fiends with Benefits, though

    Don't send them to the Knight Agency, guys -- I think Deidre's onto us.

    Lynn wrote: I think this falls under the "you know you've made it when you are spoofed on Saturday Night Live" heading.

    I tried to get Dennis Miller to do it as a guest blog, but he muttered something about Monday Night Football.

    Tempest wrote: Great premise for a romantic comedy of paranormal dimmensions.

    I think Ms. Dikshrinker is calling her work "inspirational paranormal."

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  21. I love these! That wench, Sheena Gowalter, stole my next title!

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  22. Great, now all my coworkers are wondering why I'm laughing so hard. :)

    Those were AWESOME.

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  23. I just love you. Those are perfect--I'm going to buy them all.

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  24. Re: Checkout the Devil by Deidre Dikshrinker

    Thank you PBW! This gave me a good laugh -- and I need it today!

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  25. Just one question about "Fiend with Benefits." Does that include dental, because fang maintenance is very important to the undead.
    Ann

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  26. I'm rather partial to Check Out the Devil, too. Several dual meaning complicated by the Christian bent in the teaser line.

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  27. You do realize that hundreds of proposals are being scrambled together as we speak with these titles. Be on the lookout. Ask for your cut ;-)

    Of course I was halfway through them thinking they were all legit titles til I came upon Sheena Gowalter *snort*

    Yes, I am. That. Freakin. Clueless. I gotta get out more. *g*

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