Euphemetaphors

Certain situations that happen during a love story can be too graphic for delicate sensibilities. Such horrid things can be whispered or glossed over during normal dinner party conversations, but what if you write love stories for a living? A romance author can never be too careful about what she composes, as certain assumptions can be made about her based on the content of her novels.

When writing about such situations, the Romance Police, a division of The Sisters of the Immaculate Love Scene (TM), recommend that the tasteful author only use euphemetaphors. Euphemetaphors are those carefully crafted, timeless phrases used by countless romance authors in place of more crude, lewd or lascivious language. These lovely, ethereal phrases that are so loved by true romance readers provide adequate information without the risk of causing any offense whatsoever.

To illustrate, here are some classic examples of certain romantic situations, and the euphemetaphors that we strongly recommend authors use to describe them:

Hero

Admires Heroine's Anatomy

He could not keep his heated gaze from tracing over her ripe though innocent form.
She embodied the beauty and grace of all things womanly.
Surely she was the loveliest temptation to ever cross his path.

Becomes Physically Aroused

He turned away to hide the hard evidence of how she affected him.
Heat surged wildly through his veins until he thought his unruly desire for her would drive him insane.
Her delicate, fragile beauty stirred him until his muscles rippled, tightening against the need burning in his loins.

Has Intimate Relations

He brought their bodies together in an inferno of desire.
Masterfully he claimed her fragile femininity as his own.
Slowly, gently, with the determination of his love and hers guiding him, he made her his woman.

Has Lots of Relations

He explored every inch of her lusciousness, leaving nothing untouched.
He loved her again and again, until their entwined bodies curled together in delicious exhaustion.
Passion's storm broke over them and consumed them throughout the night.

Heroine

Admires the Hero's Anatomy

His forbidding but striking countenance caused a strange ache in her heart.
Surely no man could be as handsome, muscular, or virile as he.
The sight of his bare, bronzed chest made her gnaw at her lower lip.

Becomes Physically Aroused

His hand on her arm sent an electrical energy sizzling through her.
His tall, dark, handsome presence made her entire body tingle.
She could not understand the frightening conflagration of sensations he made her feel.
The sight of him stirred something deep within her being.

Has Intimate Relations

A wondrous heat spread through her nether regions.
She gave herself utterly to his passion.
She was swept to the dazzling heights of pleasure.

Has Lots of Intimate Relations

His masculine demands reduced her to give the whole of her being to him until the wee hours of the morning.
She surrendered again and again, withholding nothing from him.
They blazed together in love's fiery furnace until dawn.

[Next up: How using euphemetaphors, making the right sort of friends, and overnighting that entry fee check can clinch your RITA Award and bestow you, too, with the title of the best romance writer in the genre!]

(for Alison Kent, who started it)