Copy Strikes

One thing I've been noticing since I started receiving BookBub's daily e-mail on e-book bargains is the short copy written beside the cover art. This copy is supposed to entice me into acquiring the read. Here's a typical example (with the author and character names removed):

“[This Author] combines the best of [A Much Bigger Author] and [A Not Much Bigger Author] in this wildly imaginative and intensely gripping urban fantasy” (Publishers Weekly starred review). After her magic opens a demonic portal, [Main Character] and [Secondary Character], must journey to hell to save [Secondary Character]. With over 300 five-star ratings on Goodreads!"

Okay, let's dissect this:

Strike One: The first line tells me nothing about the book; it gives me Publishers Weekly's opinion of the author. Even if it is honest and accurate, two words that I've personally never associated with Publishers Weekly, it is a quotation (aka a blurb.) I expect quotations on the front cover, or in the opening pages; not in the copy. Most quotations are attaboys or attagirls like this, and while that's nice and all it doesn't tell me anything about the story.

Strike Two: The second line gives me a twenty-one word premise about the story. Less than half of this particular copy is actually about the story, btw. First impression? Sounds like the main character caused the whole thing, which squashes my care factor (as in, why should the reader care?) It apparently takes place in Hell*, too, which calls for a sidebar.

Sidebar to Strike One: I'm not sure how a trip to hell could be a "wildly imaginative" story. Mainly because stories like this are as old as, well, Hell. Dante Alighieri wrote epic poems about it. They made me plod through a trip to Hell via Goethe's Faust back in high school (and Lord, what a snoozer that was.) I believe we've been reading trip to Hell stories since some Myceanean dreamed up Persephone back in 1400 BCE. If you don't mind Hell not being called Hell, the ancient Egyptians were hieroglyphing tales of what happened when your soul went on the scales in Duat waaaay back in 2400 BCE. Bottom line, this leads me to believe the quotation is inaccurate -- another reason to get it out of the copy.

Strike Three: The third line assured me that at least 300 folks on Goodreads absolutely loved it. This assurance backfires with me. I am not a fan of Goodreads; among other things the people who run it have helped themselves to my blog content without my permission, then assured me they'd remove it, and then didn't. Then there's that lovely, possibly psychic review of a book I never wrote.

If you have to come up with fifty words of copy to interest me in your book, the last thing you want to do is bore me and waste my time, but even that would be better than seriously annoying me. So here are some suggestions:

1. Tell me about the story, not the author. With all due respect, I'm not buying the author. I'm buying a story.

2. Write a strong and alluring premise that hooks me with all the best points. Example: [Main Character, expressed imaginatively] must use her [interesting adjective] magic in the [scary adjective] underworld to find her lost lover and close a demonic portal before [Huge Scary Threat].

3. Ditch the mention of any secondary characters if they sound like filler. Tell me about the main character, the most thrilling aspects of the conflict, and add a twist or something that gives me a really good reason as to why I should pay money to read this story.

4. Be sure to give me something that shows how your trip to Hell story is different from all the other trip to Hell stories I've read (assuming there is something.) If it's more of the same, feature something other than the trip to Hell in the copy.

5. Finally, if five million people on Goodreads gave the book 5-star reviews, that might impress even me. Three hundred? Not so much. Skip the stars and use the space instead to tell me more about the story.

*P.S., If you must write about Hell, I wouldn't call it Hell. Hell is never particularly alluring for most people; in fact we regularly tell people we really don't like to go there, so why should we? Use something like underworld; it sounds sexier, doesn't rile the Catholics, and makes people think of Kate Beckinsale in a skin-tight leather jumpsuit. Who looked quite fetching in it, I must admit . . .

Copy No-Nos

Ten Things I Hate About Cover Copy

(dedicated to Raine, who instigated inspired it)

"[Author] is at the top of his/her game."

So everything published after this will be [author] headed for rock bottom?

"Best book I've read in ages."

Are you an immortal who squanders the centuries reading nothing but crap, or is the author merely your BFF roommate at all the cons?

"Do yourself a favor and buy this novel!"

You mean this lukewarm ho-hum read that wasted three hours of my life because after plowing through the first lame chapter I decided to finish the damn thing instead of what I really should have done -- throw it in the Friends of the Library donation box -- to justify the $8.99 I squandered on it?  I'm sorry, how is any of that doing myself a favor?

"He can't stop thinking about her."

Three words: Monday. Night. Football.

"Her two best friends help her . . . "

If there's more than one helpful female secondary character in the story who is not trying to surreptitiously seduce the male protagonist, back stab the female protagonist, or otherwise serve as a quasi-antagonist, then what we have is a girl posse, which also means there will be more romance between the gals than anyone else in the book.  Pass.

". . . mind-blowing, intensely erotic . . ."

Okay, they're going to be doing it every five pages. P.S., if I want my mind blown, I'll put down the book and go find my guy.

"She has never known such pleasure . . ."

I know what this means! She lost her virginity during an unfortunate fumbling and wholly unsatisfying experience during her college years, or she was briefly married to an older guy with an unspecified health problem that prevented him from consummating their love. Or she simply has terrible taste in men (in which case, how does she end up with unknown pleasure dude?)

"The book EVERYONE is talking about . . ."

Unfortunately for your author I've already heard what EVERYONE is saying about it.

"They enter into a marriage of convenience . . ."

Which oddly enough never proves to be convenient for anyone in the story. Maybe we should start calling it what it really is: a marriage to provide conflict for the characters.

"When the passionate night she can never forget results in disaster . . . "

. . . that (logically) should be an STD, but somehow instead always turns out to be a) outraged parents forcing Mr. Unforgettable to marry Ms. Despoiled (of course the best man to espouse their daughter is the jerk who discarded her like a used tissue after one honk); b) a secret love affair eventually exposed and regarded as even more tawdry than one passionate night (instantly forgiven, naturally, once wedding bells have officially chimed); or c) I really have to stop at b because I'm enjoying this too much and that's when I get really vicious.  Anyway, what said unforgettable night o' passion never seems to result in is a realistic, believable adult relationship.  That is, evidently, asking too much; so is expecting me to buy it.