Iron Author America

Coming Soon on Book-TV:
Iron Author America

Pilot Episode: Your Story Bites!

FADE IN:

INT. AIRPORT HOWARD JOHNSON'S MINI-CONFERENCE ROOM

Host ALTON JOHN stands at a faux oak podium with a stenciled IRON AUTHOR AMERICA sign scotch-taped to the front.

ALTON JOHN (smirking): The wattage has certainly been cranked up here at Publishing Stadium. Always looking for a good deal he can claim on his tax return, the Chairman has rented reconditioned Gateway computers with outdated wireless internet connections, and he's been testing them out all day to get them to work in time for our very first author battle. He's also assembled a panel of notoriously fickle fiction fans, including first-time judge RWA Chapter President and nineteen-time Golden Heart particpant Miss Deidre Dikshrinker --

CUT TO FILTERED LENS FOR VIGNETTE OF DIKSHRINKER LATER IN THE SHOW

DEIDRE (flipping manuscript pages): Why, this hero is just as cute as a bug's ear. (looks at challenger) Honey, did you base him on someone you actually know? And is he a single Christian who has accepted our Lord Jesus Christ as his personal savior?

CUT TO ALTON

ALTON (picking the fuzzpilling from the lapel of his tweed jacket) : So, lightweight equipment, sexually deprived judges, four heavyweight iron authors and an aspiring unpub waiting the wings. Should be a super superfluous struggle.

THE CHAIRMAN, a sleek Asian man in a dark suit with a Hello Kitty wireless mic clinging to his ear, walks in from the parking lot exit.

THE CHAIRMAN: The time has come to once again answer one of life's most unasked questions: Whose fiction should be an addiction? This is Iron Author America!

CUT TO POLAROID SLIDESHOW OF AUTHORS SIGNING BOOKS, EDITORS GIVING SPEECHES, AND THE WEINIE GUY AT THE LAST BEA

DISEMBODIED BORED FEMALE VOICE: Chapter three . . . two . . . one . . . writing time's up.

CUT TO ALTON

ALTON: A long-standing literary tradition has taken root here on American soil. We have been graced with a small but comfortable room here at the Airport Howard Johnsons, where you ladies should stop by the Tiki Bar behind Dennys for two for one Margarita Wednesdays, to create our very own Publishing Stadium. Our Chairman has brought together that the best of the best from around the publishing world would meet and face the ultimate writing challenge. Or he would have, if they didn't demand to be paid for it. So we scraped together a few bucks and offers some pins and fruit baskets, and comped rooms at Motel 6 across the street for who we could get. But hey, maybe next time Howard Johnsons will include a few gratuity suites, who knows!

CUT TO GRAPHIC OF PAPER BEING BALLED UP AND THROWN IN A SMALL MOTEL 6 TRASH CAN, THEN BACK TO ALTON

ALTON: The famed Amazon.com reviewer WrytersSuk once wrote The qualities of an exceptional author are akin to those of an unhappy ninth grade English teacher: an abiding passion for dotting i's and crossing t's, the manners never to push boundaries past the accepted standards, and an impeccable sense of grammar. Of course, only I have those abilities, which is why all published writers suck my [bleep]! These are all fine qualities to be sure, but if you're going to cut it here in Publishing Stadium, you'd better bring talent, taste, a darn good sense of timing, and a fair dose of butt-kissing to the party -- or, like the unhappy ninth grade English teacher, you'd going to be spending a lot of time sucking on shots of Jack Daniels instead. But hey, let's commence the real hostilities, shall we?

CUT TO REJECTION FORM LETTERS PILING UP IN AN EMPTY PAMPER'S BOX.

ALTON: So please allow me to introduce a pantheon of literary giants -- your very own iron authors, America. (gestures toward the four people sitting next to the complimentary soft drinks cart) Iron author Stephen Kong. Iron author Nicholas Sperks. Iron author John Gresham. Iron author Janet Whicheverwich. In mere moments, one iron author will be pitted against our challenger, who is dying to discover our secret story device, and enter the heat of battle here at Publishing Stadium.

CUT TO FILM OF SMALL, CHUBBY, UNATTRACTIVE WOMAN SITTING AT A CHEAP COMPUTER STATION IN THE CORNER OF A CROWDED LIVINGROOM. SHE IS TYPING WHILE DODGING BABY LEGO BLOCKS BEING THROWN AT HER HEAD BY A BORED TWO-YEAR-OLD IN A PLAYPEN NEXT TO THE COMPUTER STATION. IN THE BACKGROUND, A BALDING, MIDDLE-AGED MAN LAYS SLEEPING ON A SOFA IN FRONT OF A TV SET ON THE NASCAR CHANNEL.

ALTON: Our challenger is the wife of life insurance salesman Gary "Good Hands" Hack and mother of four kids ages ten to two. She began spontaneously writing novels at tender age of thirteen and for some reason no one stopped her. Today this self-taught writer has over twenty-five unpublished manuscripts filling the spare room closet and over two thousand form rejection letters. When she's not changing diapers, picking soggy Cheerios out of the carpeting or explaining long division wrong, she continues to write books and submit novel proposals to major publishers, the silly twit. The Chairman welcomes aspiring author Kellie Jean Hack.

CUT TO THE CHAIRMAN AND KELLIE JEAN

THE CHAIRMAN (bowing to Kellie Jean): Mrs. Hack. Welcome.

KELLIE JEAN (popping a Pepcid AC before bowing): Chairman, it's Gary's bowling night and I only have the sitter until nine p.m., so let's get things moving, okay?

THE CHAIRMAN: You are the mother of four young children, are unemployed, and haven't a prayer of getting attention from a major publisher. Do you really believe your determination despite the odds will give you an advantage in Publishing Stadium, or are you rightfully intimidated by the fiercesome combatants you face tonight?

KELLIE JEAN: Have any of your other combatants ever written twenty-five novels while making three nutritious and tasty meals for five people, all of whom hate whatever the other four like while listening to their mother tell them again how much she hates their spouse, folding two million loads of laundry, cleaning up the dog's latest mess wherever it landed, hand-washing whatever dry-clean-only thing the pee, puke or poop landed on, opening the latest rejection form letter and paying the bills, vaccumming, potty-training two kids at the same time while Dora the Explorer repeats or NASCAR plays endlessly in the background every single day for the last ten years, Chairman?

THE CHAIRMAN (paling): No, ma'am.

KELLIE JEAN: Right. (gives the iron authors a pitying look) I'm terrified.

THE CHAIRMAN: Very well, Mrs. Hack, which iron author will you challenge today?

KELLIE JEAN: Janet autographed a book for me once at the Borders over at the Retail Mega Mall, and didn't complain when the baby spit up all over her signing table, so I don't want to kick her ass. Sperks is a hero-killing jerk. And sorry, Mr. Gresham, but last time I got near a lawyer, his cologne made me break out in a rash. So I challenge that Stephen Kong fellow.

CUT TO KONG, WHO IS TRYING TO CRUSH A TAB CAN UNDER ONE LEG OF HIS CHAIR WHILE WHICHEVERWICH WATCHES. SPERKS AND GRESHAM GET UP AND HEAD FOR THE TIKI BAR. CUT BACK TO THE CHAIRMAN AND KELLIE JEAN

THE CHAIRMAN: Not the choice I'd make if I were an uneducated housewife from the burbs, but . . . let the writing begin!

CUT TO ALTON

ALTON JOHN: So the match is set, and our author Stephen Kong, self-acclaimed master of creepy fiction, is the choice. Now, Mrs. Hack brings a lot of her own experience in household horrors and tenacity to Publishing Stadium, so this should be quite an exciting battle indeed.

CUT TO KELLIE JEAN AND THE CHAIRMAN, WHO WALK UP TO A LARGE CARDBOARD REFRIGERATOR BOX SITTING NEXT TO KONG'S TABLE. SOMEONE HAS DRAWN A LARGE X ON THE BOX WITH A GREEN SHARPIE.

THE CHAIRMAN: But there is one more addition to this battle. Our secret story device. The theme upon which our authors will offer their five personal story variations. Today's secret story device is . . .

THE CHAIRMAN PUSHES OVER THE BOX, REVEALING THREE BORED, TEENAGE BOYS WITH CLOWN WHITE SMEARED ON THEIR CHEEKS, CHINS AND FOREHEADS. All THREE ARE DRESSED IN OLD, TOO-SMALL HALLOWEEN COSTUMES. ONE TAKES FAKE PLASTIC FANGS OUT OF HIS MOUTH AND WIPES THE SPIT OFF THEM WITH A CORNER OF HIS BLACK ACETATE CAPE.

THE CHAIRMAN: . . . Vampires!

KONG (his head popping up): What? Women can't write vampire fiction, Women can't write, for that matter. It's all in my book, On Me. Anyway, I already did the best vampire story that will ever be written.

KELLIE JEAN: Does this mean I win by default? And do I still get the case of Office Depot generic printer paper and the year's subscription to UKinRite.com?

THE CHAIRMAN: (to Kellie Jean) No, he's going to battle, aren't you, Stephen?

ALTON: (whispering) No battle, no complimentary half-hour bar tab.

KONG (hands Tab can to Janet, who uses one hand to crush it against her forehead): All right, I guess. Sheesh.

CUT TO ALTON

ALTON (yawning): Oh, excuse me -- all this tension is wearing me out, and we haven't even started! After the break, Iron Author America continues with Your Story Bites -- Kong vs. Hack. Who will write the most delectable vampire stories? Tune in and find out . . .

Winners

Seeing so many responses to the When More is Better giveaway renews my sometimes shaky faith in the publishing universe. I appreciate the many interesting recommendations you made, and hope you keep making them elsewhere around the internet -- these days your favorite writers need all the support they can get.

We shuffled everyone's entries in the magic hat, and here are the names of the giveaway winners:

Vivi Anna, who recommended Lilith Saintcrow, Rob Thurman, TA Pratt, Rachel Vincent, Jeri Smith-Ready, Michele Hauf, Jordan Summers, Lynn Somebody, Ann Aguirre, and Rachel Caine (and now who besides me wants to immediately tour and raid Vivi Anna's library?)

Sagerenee, who also recommended Lilith Saintcrow and Marjorie M. Liu (excellent taste on both counts.)

Ilona, who recommended Nalini Singh and Karen Chance (interesting combo there.)

Slayercat, who recommended Marjorie M. Liu and Vicki Pettersson (I feel a book store trip coming on.)

Winners, please e-mail your full name and ship-to address* to LynnViehl@aol.com, and I'll get your books and surprises out to you. My thanks to everyone for joining in.

*Just an FYI for any new visitors to the blog -- I always keep all name and ship-to information provided to me by giveaway and contest winners strictly confidential, and only use it to ship your winnings to you. When possible I ship via UPS or DHL. Also, this year I am asking winners to confirm receipt by e-mail so I can make sure everything gets where it's supposed to.

Grant and Award Ops

Ten Things About Grants and Awards for Writers

1. A Room of Her Own Foundation $50,000 Gift of Freedom: AROHO is accepting applications from female writers in poetry, playwriting, creative nonfiction, and fiction; $35 application fee (I usually don't list ops with hefty entry fees, but this is a nice award, especially for a writer who wants to take six months to a year off from the day job.) See details about the application process and form to download in Word or .pdf format here. Deadline: Apply before October 31, 2008.

2. Astraea Foundation Lesbian Writers Fund: Astraea offers two annual $10,000 grants to emerging lesbian poets and fiction writers. Applicants must have published work at least once in a newspaper, magazine, literary journal or anthology, but must not have published more than one book in any genre. See guidelines at the web site for more details and to download the grant application. $5 entry fee, deadline is June 30, 2008.

3. Bard College Fiction Prize: Bard offers a $30,000 prize and a one-semester appointment as a writer-in-residence at Bard College to a U.S. fiction writer under the age of 40. See web site for more details; submit cover letter explaining what they plan to work while at Bard, a CV and three copies of a published book of fiction. No entry fee, deadline is July 15, 2008.

4. Frost Place Resident Poet Award: A prize of $2,000 and a two-month residency at Robert Frost's former home in Franconia, New Hampshire awarded to a poet who has published at least one poetry collection. Submit three poems and a personal statement; see web site for more details. No entry fee, deadline is July 1, 2008.

5. La Universidad de California Premio Literario Chicano/Latino: A prize of $1,000, publication and an all-expenses-paid trip to the award ceremony in Irvine, California to be awarded to a U.S. resident or citizen Chicano or Latino writer of a short story collection written in Spanish or English. See web site for more details and guidelines on submitting. No entry fee, deadline is June 1, 2008.

6. Literary Arts Oregon Literary Fellowships: Fellowships of $2,500 given to Oregon writers to initiate, develop or complete literary projects in poetry, fiction or creative nonfiction. Women writer fellowships of $1,000 are given to Oregon women writers for projects that explore experiences of race, class, physical disability or sexual orientation. See web site for more details and guidelines. No entry fee, deadline is June 27, 2008.

7. Maine Arts Commission Individual Artist Fellowship: A fellowship of $13,000 awarded to a writer of poetry, fiction or creative nonfiction who is a resident of Maine. See web site for guidelines, tips on submitting and application. No entry fee, deadline is June 27, 2008.

8. University of Michigan Press Michigan Literary Fiction Award: A prize of $1,000 and publication by University of Michigan Press for a novel by a writer of at least one published fiction novel or story collection in English. See web site for complete details and guidelines. No entry fee, deadline is July 1, 2008.

9. University of Pittsburgh Press Drue Heinz Literature Prize: A prize of $15,000 and publication by University of Pittsburgh Press for a collection of short fiction. Open to writers who have previously published a book of fiction or a minimum of three short stories or novellas in nationally-distributed magazines. See web site for more details and guidelines. No entry fee, deadline is June 30, 2008.

10. Teachers & Writers Collaborative Bechtel Prize: A prize of $2,500 and publication in Teachers & Writers Magazine given for an essay that relates to creative writing education, literary studies, or the profession of writing. See web site for more details. No entry fee, deadline is June 30, 2008.

These listings as well as fifty others can also be found in the May/June 2008 print issue of Poets & Writers magazine.

When More is Better

I was delighted when Ace told me they were reissuing Patricia Briggs's backlist in new editions, and very happy to find When Demons Walk out on the shelves yesterday:



I think the new cover art and design (courtesy of Gene Morrica and Annette Fiore) are gorgeous, but okay, given the cover quote I'm probably a little biased. Back when I first started recommending Patricia Briggs to my readers, I always hoped the publishing universe would be fair for once and she would someday receive the recognition she deserves.

Very happy now. Thank you, Universe.

I did buy up all the copies BAM had in stock, and after hoarding some for my keeper shelf and family care packages, I've got four extras to give away. If you'd like a chance to win a copy, in comments to this post name an author you'd like to see more people read (or if you can't decide among your favorites, just throw your name in the hat) by midnight EST on Monday, May 19, 2008. I'll draw four names at random from everyone who participates and send the winners an unsigned copy of When Demons Walk by Patricia Briggs as well as a surprise. This giveaway is open to everyone on the planet, even if you've won something here at PBW in the past.

Imagine Ten

Ten Things to Stir Your Imagination

Freeware caution: always scan free downloads of anything for bugs and other threats before dumping the programs into your hard drive.

1. French photographer Olivier de Chappedelaine has two very cool photo sites I just discovered: Photoblog, where he posts his full-color and experimental work, and La Galerie Virtuelle Photolog, which features all black and white photos.

2. For those times when you need a red shirt or two, Serendipity has a new Detailed Character Generator that produces random characters with physical descriptions and background info.

3. I accidentally stumbled across artist Denise Lombardozzi's most excellent weblog, Firstborn Studio, which features nonstop inspiring posts like this one. Then from her blogroll I found tartx's way cool Down the Rabbit Hole blog, where she's doing some amazing stuff, and then I had to stop because these art women were sucking the brains out of my writer skull.*

4. Landscape images like this one can inspire even me to describe setting better. Stop in at Landscapes 2.0 to see more.

5. The Name Generator promises to deliver 463 million first and last names, and can be customized as to length of the name, what each name starts with, ends with, and sounds like.

6. Olga's Art Gallery features over 10,000 works of art to browse online, indexed by artist, country, movement and name (quite helpful when I had to explain to my daughter the difference between Matisse and Picasso.)

7. If you'd rather play with word processor freeware, OpenOffice.org has released their 3.0 beta version and needs some testers.

8. Who was it that said I'd never ever ever find an online Plant Generator or a Science Fiction Medical Tool Generator? Ha.

9. And yes, Virginia, there is even a Plot Point Generator.

10. For practice using the right side of your brain to describe different types of characters, try challenging yourself with a spin through the three-part Serendipitous Character Descriptions Generator.

*Then I ditched my WIP anyway so I could go and paint for a few hours (it's not finished, but for once I liked how the colors turned out, so I'm flaunting it.)

Added: Finished the watercolor. Not entirely happy with it, but it's a study, so I'll take what I learned from painting it and use it for the final painting of oKia.

Off to Work

I've got to devote some serious time to the WIP and polishing plans for future work, so I'm going to bail on you guys today.

Meanwhile, there is still time to bid on Shiloh Walker's mega-book & goddies auction to benefit the cyclone victims in Myanmar, as well as the mega-variety of items available at Brenda Novak's auction to benefit diabetes research, so if you have some money to spare, do check them out.

Vision Labels

In the April '08 print issue of Watercolor Artist magazine, Michelle Taute has an interesting article, Eyes Wide Open about author and watercolor artist Elizabeth Groves that includes a sidebar explaining Ms. Groves' belief that every painting focuses on one of four different artistic visions: Curious (the what-iffers), Innovative (the remakers), Aesthetic (the awe-inspired) and Practical (the realists.)

I test-drove the idea by mentally thumbing through my favorites of the old masters and trying to see who fit what, as in maybe Michelangelo the Curious, Raphael the Innovative, Rembrandt the Aesthetic, and Da Vinci the Practical. But as cold-blooded as Raphael was, he wasn't a total knockoff artist, and as sensible and scientific as Da Vinci was, he could also get very weird at times. Rembrandt may have cursed us with what would eventually become known as chiaroscuro, but he also brought art down to street level, where ordinary folks didn't just buy and enjoy it, they starred in it. Even Michelangelo, Grand Master of Marble that he was, spent a couple of years painting on his back because a Pope ordered him to -- not a whole lot of what-if involved there.

Then Picasso declined to be classified by a mere woman, Dali wanted to be labeled with an image of an elephant on stilt-legs mating with his ex-wife, and Cézanne called me a Philistine and locked himself in his studio, so I gave up. End result: I don't think great artists can be thus labelled. At least, not by me.

Humans are social critters, though, and when we're not busy slapping neat little tags on each other, we're conforming to common or shared visions and behaviors in order to fit into a certain established group. This isn't always a bad thing; without a certain amount of conformity we'd have nothing but chaos and anarchy, and as a species we generally don't deal too well with that. We fall back on our tribal instincts by needing the security of the group, and the group doesn't accept us unless we do what the group does.

However, stringent conformity discourages individuality, and if we're all doing what everyone else is, there is no opportunity for discovery and true self-expression. We become permanent residents of that cookie-cutter suburb world from L'Engle's A Wrinkle in Time: everyone bounces their little red ball in the same way at the same time -- just as everyone else expects. Not much art in that, is there?

Writers are in the same boat as artists, I think, although we probably have more opportunity to be quietly non-conformist. A painting is right there, in your face; a story usually has to be read over a period of time. We have the chance to persuade the reader that our individual visions aren't the horrors that group-think may have led them to believe. We can't do that if we're serving up the same old tired watery tasteless conformist cabbage soup. We can use the same bowls as the cabbage pushers, but we need to sneak our readers a little gazpacho or miso or even a nice pot of cassoulet whenever possible.

You writers out there, where does your individuality come out in your work? Do you feel the need to conform is more or less important than your vision?

Cool art link: Elizabeth Groves Step-by-Step Demonstration