You Like Me, You Really Like Me! For £50

As always I reserve the right to make fun of anyone who SPAMs me. Especially someone trying to sell me friends:

My name is [Kindness Duct Tape] and I am the manager of [Kindness Duct Tape]. I hope it's okme sending you an email out of the blue.

Sorry, but okme is not an adjective. Or a word.

I hope 2014 is treating you well!

Right, because if I was depressed, destitute and/or semi-suicidal you would actually care, and those dreadful feelings would keep you up nights walking the floor and worrying about what harm I might do to myself. *Yawn* Can we get on with it?

We now have a database with around 750,000 people who have joined in our online lifestyle survey. These individuals are all looking for companies like yours to interact with through your Facebook or Twitter pages.

Alas, I'm not a company, and I have no Facebook or Twitter page. But hey, do you think they want something to read? I mean, other than your fascinating online lifestyle survey?

We can categorise these individuals dependant on their interests and direct them to your page once an order is placed.

Okay. So buy 750,000 copies of my book and I'll make a Facebook page (no, I won't, but this is because I know you won't buy 750,000 copies. This is me toying with you.)

Geographics plays a part in this, and will also let you specify particular locales.

Oh, cool. Okay, Antarctica. I want everyone in Antarctica to fake-like my non-existant Facebook and Twitter pages. Can you do that? It's only like, what -- three lonely scientists, a couple dozen walruses and nine million penguins, right?

We now have a countless number of prospective clients unique to your business so please get in touch if you think this may benefit you.

What? I'm not the only one you're SPAMming, am I? And here I was going to create a Facebook page for you, you heartless bastard.

Prices from :-

£50 or $82 for 2,000 Facebook Likes

£50 or $82 for 6,000 Instagram followers

£45 or $74 for 7,000 Twitter followers

£50 or $82 for 30,000 YouTube Views

And this would be why I'm not on Facebook or Twitter or Instagram (okay, I have a YouTube account, somewhere, but I'm really more of a Vimeo gal.) You do understand that paying people to fake-like you is the definition of online stupidity, yes?

If a new customer logs on to your Facebook page and can see that you have 7000 likes compared to your rivals with just 350 likes, they tend to side with you even without considering price differences.

Sure, every customer thinks "I'm going to pay more for something because more people have fake-liked you." Dude, that is so not okme.

A free trial is available for genuine buyers.

Now you're implying I could be fake? Just like all the likes and followers and views you're peddling? Does that mean I can charge you for me? That will be a thousand dollars. I take checks and Paypal.

Assuming your company is looking to target new clients we also sell emails lists of individuals interested in what you are offering. Please message back for further details.

Assuming I'm on one of those lists now. Thanks for nothing. Where's my check?

I hope you don’t mind me shooting you--

Okay, keep the thousand bucks. I'm not that destitute.

--this email and I look forward to being able to help you at some point in the future.

Got an aspirin?