Saturday, December 07, 2013

Gift No-Nos

Ten Things I Do Not Want for the Holidays

Anything related to The Hunger Games, The Game of Thrones, or Ender's Game. In fact, if you're out shopping for me and you spot anything that has Game in the title please just walk the other way.

Ballpoint pens covered with fur, rhinestones, spikes, obscenities or miniature body parts. What you think is cute I'll probably think is pointless, plus my mom will likely end up stealing it, taking it to church and using it during her latest Bible study class, after which the pastor is going to want to have a word with me. Again.

Birdhouses. All of the pregnant birds around here refuse to use them. The snakes, frogs and squirrels, on the other hand . . .

Hats. I'm just not a hat person. I'm not a scarf, watch or lacey lingerie gal, either. I also now own enough cute fuzzy socks to keep my feet warm until Doomsday.

House plants. No matter where I put them my cat gets to them, eats them, and then regurgitates them all over some high-traffic carpeted area, generally during a dinner party. This includes potted catnip and that kitty grass that is supposed to be good for them.

Any product that has the name Kardashian attached to it. Do I even have to explain this one?

Kindle anything. I don't own a Kindle and (more importantly) I don't want to own a Kindle so you would be helping me not buy one. You should probably skip any Nook stuff too because I keep misplacing the one the family bought me for my birthday.

Makeup kits with ten thousand eye/lip/cheek colors in them. Aside from the fact that I haven't worn makeup for ten years, I cannot think of a single occasion in my life that would demand I paint any part of my face fuschia, chartreuse or bubble-gum-pink in order to appear presentable.

Perfume. But if you need some for someone else, please see me -- I have a huge drawer in the bathroom filled with about a hundred unused bottles from birthdays and Christmases past.

A T-shirt or sweatshirt with a decal that reads "Writers Do It [Insert Obnoxious Sexual Innuendo]." This because a) I don't advertise on my body that I'm a writer, b) there's never a really clever way to fill in that particular blank and c) it's absolutely none of your business how I do it.

What don't you want for the holidays? Let us know in comments.

24 comments:

  1. My list is much the same as yours. ;-)

    But I love the snake photo! You've made my morning.

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    1. Lol. I am very fond on that pic, too -- mostly because no one believes I've had a snake in my birdhouse until I show it to them. :)

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  2. OMG! What I don't want is a snake hanging out of a bird house!!

    And I agree wholeheartedly with your entire "Don't" list... ;D

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    1. It's definitely a shocker to see, Terlee -- and weirdly, always a little hilarious, too.

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  3. Now I'm going to have to take back the Hunger Games, fur-trimmed glitter pen with neon eyeshadow in the cap that I bought for you. Sigh.

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    1. Well, if you need a hint, I could use a new keyboard now (blotting tea spray from the keys of the existing one.)

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  4. Honestly, I don't want any gifts. I have more stuff in my life than I'll ever need. The older I get, the more I treasure the gift of time to spend with the people I love.

    Happy Holidays to you and yours, Lynn.

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    1. That's what I asked for as my present this year, Lisa -- just for everyone to get together and have dinner as a family one night. That seems like the most precious thing I could ever have in the world now. I hope you and your family have a lovely and peaceful holiday (and stay warm!)

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  5. "In fact, if you're out shopping for me and you spot anything that has Game in the title please just walk the other way."

    This cracked me up, despite the fact that I like all three series you mentioned.

    For gifts, I went to the book store to buy REPUBLIC OF THIEVES, found out they were sold out, ordered a copy, billed it to my mom and then called her and said that I'd taken care of my Christmas gift from her this year. :) She DID ask what I wanted...

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    1. I did the same thing with a special poetry book I wanted, Laura -- it was 30% off a few months ago, and I knew no one would ever get it for me, so I ordered it and handed the box to my daughter when it arrived (she's been very good about keeping it away from me, too.)

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  6. jewelery making books involving beads. Craft store jewelery components. ( dayjob: goldsmith, I don't use these craft components in the quantity my mom sends them. better in the hands of a hobbyist). No religious stuff for the baby. No "mama" stuff. I'm an adult and a parent but I'm not wearing anything Mama-emblazoned. Ok, what I did ask for? a dutch chocolate treat I can't find in my city but my mom can find in hers. Its not expensive, silly, really, but its a comfort food.:D

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    1. One of the things I miss most during the holidays is being able to have chocolate. Sugarfree carob stuff just isn't the same, but that's what I'm stuck with. *Sigh*

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  7. I guess I need to cancel that special shipment of Kardashian perfume, along with a case of wine. Damn.

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    1. I can't wear perfume of any kind, so that's probably a good idea. And the wine would just go down the sink to deodorize the drain. :)

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  8. Mainly I don't want the gifts Father Time seems determined to give me, has he got a return policy? Because I would like the joints I had 20 years ago back, please.

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    1. Amen, sister. The eyesight and the spinal alignment of 25 years past would be nice to get back, too.

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  9. Fran K5:57 AM

    I can totally sympathise with the "games", glitz & glitter, Kardashions and make-up, but I do like to get a bottle of perfume now & again. And lets face it, those t-shirts may make you giggle in the store but would you really walk out of the door wearing it? I don't really want anything for Christmas except the opportunity have a nice lunch with my ex and our 2 boys (well men now).

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    1. Most perfume makes me break out in a horrible rash, Fran, so I'm stuck with not wearing it. Everyone forgets this, too, which is why I have a drawer filled with gift bottles.

      I think women of a certain age should be spared gifts of crassly-worded t-shirts altogether. We have our dignity to preserve!

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  10. Anne V.10:38 AM

    Kitchen supplies/gadgets. I hate cooking. I'm a terrible cook. Some people keep thinking the opposite and send things that are "helpful" as a way of fixing my deficiency. Please don't. Those items should all be addressed to my hubby who is the kitchen wizard and can create a 5 star 3 course menu using a single crockpot in less than a day. I would much rather have books.

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    1. My mom generally buys me pajamas, which would not be a problem except she thinks I'm two sizes smaller than I am, Anne. She also removes the tags and then promptly forgets where she bought them so I can't return them for a larger size. Thus my little skinny daughter always has plenty of new pajamas to wear.

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  11. Your list made me laugh. My family solved my lost Nook problem by putting it in a fire engine red cover so they could find it for me. The soft burnished gold I bought blended in with my stuff. My family and friends only buy me stuff from my Christmas list or Christmas ornaments. I have no guilt about giving away things that don't meet that criteria.

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    1. What a good idea with the Nook cover, Cordie -- I think I'm going to steal that and try to find a pink one (pink still acts a bit like a needle in my eye whenever I see it.)

      We have one family friend who always sends us one of those massive boxes of sausage and cheese every holiday; we could never eat all that even if we weren't watching our cholesterol. So I take it over to the local group foster home as a treat for the kids who live there.

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  12. Thanks for the smile and giggle. :) My biggest "don't" is please don't get me software "close" to what I asked for. I was specific for a reason. And every year I ask for boxes of my favorite pen and I go through 8-9 of them a year.

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    1. I agree, when someone is specific you should get exactly what they ask for, particularly with software. Last year I took my daughter with me so she could show me exactly which version of Photoshop she wanted, which was very smart because otherwise I would have picked out the wrong one.

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