Saturday, July 23, 2011

Characters R Us

Welcome to Characters R Us, the ultimate online character shopping experience. If you've got a story, we've got the perfect someone to star in it!

Today we're featuring a 10% discount on three of our most popular Standard Romance Heroine Models:

Anna All-American: A classic top selling model, Anna is the epitome of the ideal girl-next-door, and comes equipped with a stubborn chin, nose freckles, a large, untrained canine pet and a loving but constantly interfering spinster relation. When ordering, please specify unfashionable hair type (long ponytails, thick braids or short curly mop.)

Kitty KickButt: What's an urban fantasy without the perfect kickbutt heroine? Boring, that's what. Our Kitty model is strong, sassy and so ready to save the world that she'll take on (or have sex with) any monster you throw at her. Kitty comes complete with a weapon of unparalleled power, more tattoos than a biker gang and a tragic, troubled but wholly understandable wayward past. Please choose from the following ethnicities: Almost Asian, Kinda Caucasian, Not Quite African-American, or Half-Hybrid Hell Spawn.

Sally Shy Thang: This sweet young heroine is perfect for every ellipsis-lover, as she can mangle any line of dialogue you provide. Bitable lips, fluttering eyelashes, twistable fingers and a lifetime supply of adorable blushes are included at no extra charge.

Victoria Virgin: this multi-purpose model can give a delicate but determined feminine sparkle to your historical, paranormal or steampunk stories, and comes complete with uncut hair, unpainted features, uncommon education, uncompromised virtue and a battered trunk of shabby but serviceable period-appropriate gowns. If you order before 6 pm today we'll include a bonus destitute but devoted maid servant (colorful accent $5.00 extra.)

But wait, that's not all! Order in the next hour and we will send you absolutely free of charge one of these wonderfully supportive secondary characters:

Fond Friendly Father -- the amazing Dad none of us ever had

Boisterious Best Friend -- the ideal BFF, lots of spunky lines, no life whatsoever

Meddling Emotional Mom -- when she's not baking or cleaning she's crying or lying

Somewhat Skanky Sister -- has worked her way through the football team (twice) but always has sage advice and boxes of condoms

Not Altogether Evil Twin -- there but for the grace of God, huh? (includes your choice of gender!)

Thanks for shopping at Characters R Us, and stop in next week for our annual Hard Sci-Fi Fire Sale to pick from the best of the leftover/refurbished folks from the future!

9 comments:

  1. LOL - and the Straight up Truth Blog Post of the Week Award goes to you! I lost it at Kitty Kitbutt.

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  2. Thanks for giving me a smile this morning! And 10% off! Man, what a bargain!

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  3. Wonderful, this really made me laugh this morning!
    Can I add the Gay Best Friend, perhaps an alternative model to the BFF? He has perfect taste in clothes and decor, gets invitations to the most fashionable nightclubs and restaurants.
    And the Sequel Bait, a chameleon character who isn't quite as good as the main ones but has a personality boost toward the end of the story?

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  4. Thank you, I needed a smile this morning.

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  5. Priceless! Thanks for the laugh :)

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  6. LOL!

    And a headdesk as well because I've probably written a couple of those characters...

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  7. Yay! All the characters I need and on sale.

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  8. Ha! And, seriously, should I be worried because my main character- and her BFF- are nothing like those choices?

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  9. Tamara10:05 AM

    Dear Characters R Us: I'm in the market for a spunky modern woman with a strong sense of humor and independence to round off my set of playboy bosses and surly heroes with hidden hearts of gold; do you have any in brunette?

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