Saturday, May 14, 2011

Self-Pub Ten

Writer Excuses for the Digital Self-Publishing Age
(Or, I can't write because . . .)

Amazon.com paired my book with the diary of a dominatrix who uses the exact same pen name, and now all I get are IMs from guys in diapers who want me to cyberspank them.

I'm too busy promoting my novel on Twitter and Facebook to finish writing it.

Mommy says I can't publish my book until I eat all my vegetables and put away my toys.

My artist says the cover I want is anatomically possible only if she depicts all my characters as squid.

My formatting software got corrupted and now whenever I try to upload a manuscript to Smashwords my disk drive rewrites itself.

My freelance editor refuses to believe that English is my native language.

Pubit! claims the book I wrote about my ex is illegal, libelous, infringing, offensive, harmful, threatening, harassing, legally obscene, defamatory, and intentionally hateful.

Someone posted a 3-star review that utterly ruined my perfect 5-star rating. Was probably my ex, the bastard.

The rights for my next novel haven't reverted back to me yet.

Whenever I enter the ISBN I made up for my last self-pubbed book to check my sales ranking, NORAD automatically goes to Defcon 2.

6 comments:

  1. This is hilarious! Just outstanding... I'm going to Tweet the link! :-)

    EJ

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  2. What a riot! This was hysterical. I especially love #2 and #6.

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  3. haha, that's funny... I probably used to use at least 1 of those excuses, but not anymore, I finally got my novel out there.

    Amber LaShell

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  4. Bwuahahahaa cyberspank. XD And I love the squid excuse...totally priceless!!!

    Thanks for my daily dose of morning laughter!

    ~TRA

    http://xtheredangelx.blogspot.com

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  5. Hahaha, thanks for the giggle ;)

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  6. "My freelance editor refuses to believe that English is my native language."

    I love this one.

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