Sunday, September 20, 2009

I'd Buy It

Products for Writers That We'd Like to See

Awards Nom Sleepy Time: Drink a cup of this delightful tea and snooze like a baby for weeks and weeks the next time your book is nominated for an indy award that you probably haven't kissed enough ass to win.

Buzzkiller Off: One spritz of this jackass repellent keeps all trolls, flamers, bait-danglers and smear campaigners off the writer's back for as long as they need to finish the next book. Comes in extra-strength for writers who are looking for more long-term protection.

Catty Colleague Anti-Scratch Spray: Spray generous amounts of this writer conference air freshener around at the next Nat'l to repel any frustrated frenemy trying to get in your face or stab you in the back. For the persistently pissed off with you, try the Crass Colleague Brush-off Roll-on.

Cover Art Trauma Tranquilizers: I don't have to explain how these little beauties work, do I? Each powerful tranq comes dipped in generous amounts of white, milk or dark chocolate (candy coatings are 100% donated by the sympathetic folks at OhYeahItSucks Chocolates.)

Ego Superglue: Fix all the damage to the writerly self from those wisecracks and heartbreaks with a single fast, easy application. To repair more extensive damages from direct attacks, try You Should Have Ducked Tape.

Genre Color Enhancer: Add to your favorite genres and publishers to bring out more releases by authors of every color, not just the whites.

Revisions Sweetener: Sprinkle one packet over the manuscript to make those revisions easier to swallow (or directly on the author to remove lingering bitterness.)

Royalty Retinal Burn Gel: Apply directly to the eyes when scorched by reading the latest royalty statement (available in extra-strength for three-year-old releases that still have thousands of dollars being held in reserves against returns.)

Stalled Submission Soothers: These calming all-natural lozenges will ease chronic tight throat and help heal bitten lips induced by overlong response waiting periods and perennially late postal carriers.

Writer Soul Balm: Removes the soreness, restores the softness, and keeps your soul feeling young instead of dried out, withered and old. Comes in flavors like cherry (for when you need to change agents/editors/publishers -- again) and medicated (for after you change agent/editors/publishers and find out the new one is just as bad or possibly worse.)


  1. You Should Have Ducked Tape.

    I love it, lol.

    Can I get the Writer Soul Balm in extra-strength, by the case?

  2. I'd buy the You Should Have Ducked Tape and the cherry-flavored Writer Soul Balm!

  3. Oh, I definitely could use some of those. But we need some sort of tranq for new releases, too. And it must be in dipped in some sort relaxation-inducing chocolate.

  4. How about humility when you win the prize?

    I loved the list. It's so true.

  5. What? The Cover Art Trauma tranquilizers only come in white, milk and dark chocolate? There's no candy cotton pink coating? Bummer.

  6. Oh, I'd definitely buy a Stalled Submission Soother for the future. I can't bear to wait more than one month!

    The soul balm sounds good, too. And the Revisions Sweetener.

  7. You should have ducked tape, $7.99.

    Stalled submission soother, $19.99.

    Cover Art Trauma Tranquilizers, $129.95.

    Lynn Viehl's wit and wisdom....priceless.