Better Lies

Ten Things to Explain Why You Can't Update Your Blog

An anonymous reviewer on Amazon.com said my book was the worst story ever written in the English language, and now I'm afraid to write anything in case I top that.

As long as your readers don't see the last review for my book, you should be okay.

I forgot to log on to Twitter for like three days and now I have 4,975 twits to read.

Because we all know how important it is to keep up with the twits.

I have jury duty and they won't let me bring my laptop into the courthouse.

If you need another couple of weeks to screw off, just say you have grand jury duty, hint that you're deciding whether or not to indite an Italian-American, and then complain about how long you have to wait in the morning before your spouse will go out and start the car for you.

I spent all night writing the epic love scene between Duke Sebastian and Elizabeth Rosalynd Annette-Marie Jacquelyn on the ship in the mate's cabin behind the barrel of grog while bloodthirsty mercenary brigands hired by the evil greedy uncle boarded and searched the ship for any nubile spunky young virginal golden-haired heiresses and disillusioned but buff semi-alcoholic cynical rakes whose pantaloons don't require padding.

Hey, we've all been there. I mean, who wouldn't be exhausted after working seventeen hours trying to describe two impossibly beautiful people almost having sex in a one by two foot rat-infested space while hiding from killer pirates?

Ninjas broke into my house last night and stole all of my black clothes, so I have to go to the mall.

Aka the all-purpose goth get-out-of-blogging for free card. If you're an inspirational author, substitute "church ladies" for "ninjas" and "twinsets" for "black clothes."

Someone told me this was International Blow Off Your Blog Day.

If someone asks who, say it was me. I'll cover for you.

The leeeeeeeetteeeeeeeeeer "eeeeeeeeee" on my keeeeeeeeeyboard keeeeeeeeeeeeps sticking.

The explanation doubles as evidence.

The Preparation H isn't working.

There isn't a writer alive who will diss you for this one.

When I wrote my post last night I realized what a great story idea it was so now I don't want to post it in case some other writer reads it and thinks its a great story idea and steals it, you know, just like they did with that thing I wrote about renegade Russian captains defecting with prototype nuclear silent-running subs, that piece I had on driving your life with purpose, and of course that whole deal about Leonardo DaVinci hiding codes about Biblical scandals in his artwork.

And the best part is, we'll believe you without question (even though we're pretty sure you ripped off those ideas from us.)

and finally, if those ten things don't work:

Write a list of ten things to explain why you can't update your blog.

Gotcha.