Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Better Lies

Ten Things to Explain Why You Can't Update Your Blog

An anonymous reviewer on Amazon.com said my book was the worst story ever written in the English language, and now I'm afraid to write anything in case I top that.

As long as your readers don't see the last review for my book, you should be okay.

I forgot to log on to Twitter for like three days and now I have 4,975 twits to read.

Because we all know how important it is to keep up with the twits.

I have jury duty and they won't let me bring my laptop into the courthouse.

If you need another couple of weeks to screw off, just say you have grand jury duty, hint that you're deciding whether or not to indite an Italian-American, and then complain about how long you have to wait in the morning before your spouse will go out and start the car for you.

I spent all night writing the epic love scene between Duke Sebastian and Elizabeth Rosalynd Annette-Marie Jacquelyn on the ship in the mate's cabin behind the barrel of grog while bloodthirsty mercenary brigands hired by the evil greedy uncle boarded and searched the ship for any nubile spunky young virginal golden-haired heiresses and disillusioned but buff semi-alcoholic cynical rakes whose pantaloons don't require padding.

Hey, we've all been there. I mean, who wouldn't be exhausted after working seventeen hours trying to describe two impossibly beautiful people almost having sex in a one by two foot rat-infested space while hiding from killer pirates?

Ninjas broke into my house last night and stole all of my black clothes, so I have to go to the mall.

Aka the all-purpose goth get-out-of-blogging for free card. If you're an inspirational author, substitute "church ladies" for "ninjas" and "twinsets" for "black clothes."

Someone told me this was International Blow Off Your Blog Day.

If someone asks who, say it was me. I'll cover for you.

The leeeeeeeetteeeeeeeeeer "eeeeeeeeee" on my keeeeeeeeeyboard keeeeeeeeeeeeps sticking.

The explanation doubles as evidence.

The Preparation H isn't working.

There isn't a writer alive who will diss you for this one.

When I wrote my post last night I realized what a great story idea it was so now I don't want to post it in case some other writer reads it and thinks its a great story idea and steals it, you know, just like they did with that thing I wrote about renegade Russian captains defecting with prototype nuclear silent-running subs, that piece I had on driving your life with purpose, and of course that whole deal about Leonardo DaVinci hiding codes about Biblical scandals in his artwork.

And the best part is, we'll believe you without question (even though we're pretty sure you ripped off those ideas from us.)

and finally, if those ten things don't work:

Write a list of ten things to explain why you can't update your blog.

Gotcha.

22 comments:

  1. I forgot to log on to Twitter for like three days and now I have 4,975 twits to read.

    Because we all know how important it is to keep up with the twits.


    LMAO

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  2. I've seen that review, actually, and I still bought the book! Then I reviewed it for a different site and am waiting for it to be posted. (I loved If Angels Burn...anyone who didn't needs to be taken out back and put in the wood chipper)

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  3. LOL! Oh, those were great excuses. The Preparation H one slays me though. *snicker*

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  4. The Preparation H isn't working.

    {Squirm}.

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  5. 1. Too distracted hitting the "Next Blog" link and surfing through God knows how many blogs til you find one in a language you can at least identify, much less read.

    2. Spending too much time playing with all the gadgets and features, changing this and tweaking that. Took me for-ev-er to get it just right.

    3. Type something...no...backspace...backspace...stare at the blinking cursor...thinking...thinking...oh...typing....wait, that's just stupid...backspace...backspace...

    4. Too much preasure having to sound witty on a daily basis.

    5. Really wanting to post something that would be extremely embarressing to a friend and/or family member but knowing they would do bodily harm if found out, so just waiting til the urge passes.

    6. Anything I would write at this moment would sound like a funeral dirge and don't want to compete with the truly disturbed bloggers whose lives are a bottomless pit of dispair yet feel the need to share it with others.

    7. Kinda hard to type with a three year old who drapes herself across your lap everytime you sit down demanding that you tickle her, scratch her back or give her a hug; I choose the three year old.

    8. Too many of my fave authors had their new books released on or around the same date, will return to blogging when the stack has decreased to a managable level.

    9. The house is quiet, the kids are alseep and your husband is giving some not-so-subtle hints about how he would like to rock your world. Do you a) blog about how dairy has been making you feel bloated lately b) blog about how your cat coughed up what could possibly be the world record hairball (don't forget the picture!) or c) let your husband rock your world.

    10. okay, I give up, couldn't think of anything for number ten.
    Have a nice day, everyone.

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  6. Hey, we've all been there. I mean, who wouldn't be exhausted after working seventeen hours trying to describe two impossibly beautiful people almost having sex in a one by two foot rat-infested space while hiding from killer pirates?

    Snarfed. Coffee. Out of my nose.

    PS, is it coincidence that the verification word is rearin?

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  7. LMAO!! Love it Lynn...wonder if this transfers over to my home life...*L*

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  8. 1. Blogger rejected my password.
    2. I. Need. Coffee.
    3. I'm conserving electricity in case the power goes off.
    4. I'm too tired from spending all night researching the love scene I need to write between Duke Sebastian and Elizabeth Whats-her-name.
    5. Spell-chek isn't working.
    6. Didn't we agree we weren't going to update our blogs on Wednesday?
    7. My office chair is broken and I can't reach the keyboard from the floor.
    8. I still have leftover Christmas cookies to eat...I mean to wrap carefully and stick in the freezer.
    9. I have to start my new workout with Oprah.
    10. I'm reading Stay the Night

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  9. My wifi signal keeps getting beaten up and knocked out by bigger and badder wifi signals (the big bullies). Must figure out how to change the channel.

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  10. LOL

    The whole list was great. I think I might have to steal a couple of those excuses...

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  11. I heard there was going to be a coffee shortage in 09 so I had to go buy my year's supply of beans.

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  12. L-O-V-E this one, and I don't even write a blog.

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  13. You've inspired my blog update for... hmm... tomorrow.

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  14. LOL! Thanks for the laugh Lynn.

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  15. oops, delete the post by Genreality. LOL I just have too many passwords saved on this computer. LOL I think I might actually have to start remembering things. *sigh*

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  16. The leeeeeeeetteeeeeeeeeer "eeeeeeeeee" on my keeeeeeeeeyboard keeeeeeeeeeeeps sticking.

    The explanation doubles as evidence.


    OMG! ROFL!! And I have no idea why. I must be tired but that and the twits...

    Bwahahahahaha

    Yup, I'm tired. ;)

    theo

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  17. LOL! Did not see that coming.

    How about I've been pulling all nighters at the office and IT has banned my bloghost/site.

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  18. the trouble is you've written all the good stuff so why should I bother?

    Oh, wait. That's my reason for not updating my blog. Got it.

    Also I found the slippers that were supposed to be mailed in November. Oh. Ah.

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  19. *sigh* I must go update my blog...but it'll have to wait until tomorrow since I can barely seem to spell tonight. Long days are wearing me down.

    Your top ten excuses were awesome. Can I take the twitter one and the ninja one? Perhaps not for the black clothes or the *shudder* mall, but say, perhaps that the ninjas stole my router.

    No?

    Blow off my blog day it is then.

    Thanks for the laugh, Lynn.

    --Dawn

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  20. LOL!

    Or you could always be so spotty in updates that it's a shock when you update twice in a row like I did this week. I hope no heartattacks occurred with Stray Thoughts open ;).

    Great list. I can't really agree that this doesn't count as a blog post though...

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  21. I have to say that the eeeeee one was my favorite. Maybe I could use that excuse for some of my typos!

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