I spend a couple hours on the road every day of the week hauling the kids back and forth to school, and I see a lot of interesting bumperstickers. The other day I spotted a skull-n-crossbones sticker that read The Beatings Will Continue Until Morale Improves. It was on this cute little car in front of me at the pick-up line at school. I bet that mom doesn't get any grief when she says it's time to do geometry homework.
Publishing does not seem to merit bumperstickers, or if it does, I've never seen them. I think we need to fix that, because who says we're not as hostile, anti-social and demented as the liberals, conservatives, armchair warriors and anti-Bushies out there?
A couple I might put on my truck:
And your cry-baby whiny assed opinion of my novel would be?
Bitch about Harry Potter being over one more time and you'll be my new hood ornament.
Do not rush me. I have an editor to do that.
I am not unemployed. I'm between contract offers.
I bought a sword to research the fight scenes in my fantasy novel, and I'm not afraid to use it.
If you ride my ass, you had better be writing me an advance check.
I pretend to write great novels. They pretend to pay me for them.
Galley slave.
Let me guess: you write inspirational chick-lit.
May your debut be released in interesting times.
Your book is a temple. Mine is an amusement park.
What would your Publishing bumpersticker say?
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"I know how to poison, torture, and break your kneecaps whilst sitting opposite you. Don't try it."
ReplyDeleteSomething like...
ReplyDelete"I have a plot. I just don't know what it is yet."
Love this ! bravo ! so funny :)
ReplyDeleteI'd adapt the Port Townsend bumper sticker: "Publishing: We're all here, because we're not all there..."
ReplyDeleteI have nothing to add unfortunately, but I love these. Thanks for the laugh.
ReplyDeleteAmanda
I love these!
ReplyDeleteMine would be:
"My MC's a demon. He's in the passenger seat."
or
"I'm a versatile writer. You can die fast by the sword or slowly by haiku"
"And your cry-baby whiny assed opinion of my novel would be?" is my favorite. My bumper sticker would probably say "John and Marcia Rule!"
ReplyDeleteDelurking to agree with Darlene. Cracked me up. My sticker? "Rich? Famous? My writing goal is to break even!"
ReplyDelete"So, you want to die in my next novel - or right now?"
ReplyDeleteYou can tell I really wet my chair over "hood ornament, can't you?
"Galley slave" is soo apt!
Think of the looks "Cover me, baby" would get.
*snarf*
ReplyDeleteIf you can read this, you're just close enough.
Yes I make money writing~I'm just waiting on the check to come in.
ReplyDeleteI'm crazy? You should see my protagonist.
I love the thought of having "protagonist" on a bumper sticker.
ReplyDeleteSorry, but it's BC (before coffee), so I don't have anything to add. But this was a great idea, Lynn. It's good to laugh hard first thing in the morning. :)
I snorted out loud at "Galley slave". :D
ReplyDeleteI like the bumper sticker that says, "If you can read this not only are you pretentious, but you're driving too close" or something like that. In Latin.
Mine would say something like, "I'm only speeding because I have deadlines to meet." But I don't speed OR have deadlines so I suppose it's wasted humor.
"So, you want to die in my next novel - or right now?"
ReplyDeleteI love it, Bernita.
How about: "I'm writing you into my next novel, and it won't be flattering."
"I need morons to kill in my next novel. Are you applying for the job?"
Thanks, Lynn. This was fun. =oD
Love these and those in the comments.
ReplyDeleteMine would be:
I'm only here because my muse is on vacation.
Somedays, in my darkest moods, I want a bumper sticker that reads:
ReplyDeleteQuit complaining about Rowling, Brown, and Paolini and write your own trash!"
But that is too mean to put on a car.
"Don't blame me, I voted for the other cover art."
ReplyDelete"My remaindered opus is nearly a midlist seller at Chico Royo's Used Book Store, Pawtalla TN."
"Ask me how it's selling one more time and I'll crack your binding and dim your outlook"
STOLEN FROM INTERNETBUMPERSTICKERS.COM:
ReplyDelete"If at first you don't succeed, blame the marketing department."
"Don't judge a book by its movie."
I love them all! I think that 'Galley Slave' might be my favorite, though. Or perhaps 'Cover me, baby' from the comments.
ReplyDeleteMy own would probably be a variation of a t-shirt I saw in a catalog: 'Careful, or you'll end up in my novel.'
"I brake for plot holes"
ReplyDelete"Back off! My laser printer is loaded."
"I'm so old I've dated carbon"
Okay, the last one isn't about writing really, but would be good in Florida . . .
I love them!
ReplyDelete"The book was better."
ReplyDeleteAnd Bernita, yours cracked me up!
If you don't watch out, I'll break YOUR spine!
ReplyDeleteMine would be something along the lines of "11 people read my debut novel. How 'bout you?"
ReplyDeleteAuthors do it with a climax.
ReplyDelete"Your stupidity has provided me with some great material."
ReplyDeleteLoved Bernita's
Love them ALL!
ReplyDeleteCheers,
Erin K.
Jaye Wells said it all! I want a license plate holder with that quote.
ReplyDeleteJaye, you crack me up!
ReplyDeleteWarning: Organic writer - info dump ahead.
Grammuh Rools!
Wanted: Plot, characters, dialogue...
Hi All these are so funny hehehehe!!! Mine would probably say "wanna get laid go read a good romance novel." ^_^ or something like that.
ReplyDeleteAll the best,
Amanda
First of all...I'm a first time reader and commenter. Wanted to tell you how much I love your blog. Can I add you to my sidebar?
ReplyDeleteI like Jaye Wells' bumper sticker. That's so perfect. :)
I saw this bumper sticker once and it's still my favorite. It said "The only difference between genius & stupidity is that genius has its limits." So true. :0
Also, I wanted to say that a lot of your links are now in my favorites. I'm an aspiring writer and I think they'll help me a great deal. Have a great night!
~Kaitlin
"Got Plot?"
ReplyDeleteSF Authors: destroying planets for over 100 years.
ReplyDeleteFantasy writers: Putting them back together one farmboy at a time.
I'd just go for an oval-shaped groupie sticker that says S&W, and only the other Strunk & White fangirls would even know what it meant.
ReplyDelete