Interpretation

What Writers Say, and What it Really Means

1. "I'm so honored -- and humbled -- by this Big Award nomination."

Well it's about freaking time I got something for the five hundred bucks I've spent this year on contest entry fees.

2. "I don't understand what the big deal is about that writer's novel. I read it four times and it wasn't so great."

I read it nineteen times and ground my teeth so much I need all new molar caps.

3. "My editor is a doll."

Voodoo, right here, in my desk. Want a pin?

4. "I'm considering a number of important offers."

I'm out of contracts, my agent won't return my calls and I can't afford to refill the Prozac.

5. "I work for one of the most respected publishers in the business."

If you say Who? one more time I'm going to punch you.

6. "Deadlines are not as important as the quality of the work."

I blew my deadline big time and I'm hiding from my editor.

7. "I don't mind getting rejected."

What I mind is you asking me if I mind, of course I mind, everyone minds, idiot.

8. "My CP and I have decided to try working with other people."

My CP just landed a huge deal and dumped me.

9. "I loved working with my CP, and wish him the best of luck."

I just landed a huge deal and dumped my CP.

10. "I don't mind losing the Big Award to Much More Successful Author. She's a talented writer."

She bought the judges before I could, the bitch.