Don't Ten

Ten Things Authors Do that I Don't

1. Do readings and/or booksignings.

We've covered this before, right? Not me.

2. Watch broadcast/cable television for pop culture shows.

I'm generally writing or reading books. Multiply that times seventeen years.

3. Go to writer conferences.

It's really that PC entree at the Guest Speaker luncheon that freaks me out. What the hell kind of chicken dish is purple, I ask you?

4. Go back to school and earn a pedigree degree.

Alas, I'm still attending the University of Real Life.

5. Take exotic vacations.

I send the family on vacation, stay home and write. That's my idea of an exotic vacation.

6. Speak/teach at writer seminars/workshops/retreats for pay.

I make enough money from book sales. Pass.

7. Socialize with other writers.

Tried. We didn't bond.

8. Give interviews.

I've done five in six years. I've run out of things to say.

9. Do anthologies with other authors.

Let's not go there and say we did.

10. Go to New York and meet my publishers.

Never have, not really interested. They're starting to get a little nervous now. What if the rumors are true about the consequences of the dreadful accident I had in my
laboratory . . . ?
(evil laugh as I limp back into my subterranean lair.)