Monday Ten

It's the NaNoWriMo midway mark, and no doubt some of you are feeling it. I get that way on the second-to-last day before deadline, the next of which will be on December 1st. The best way to handle it is to write through it.

Still need a carrot? Okay, here are

Ten Things You Can Do After You're Published

1. Track down your nasty ninth grade English teacher and give her a copy of your novel, signed with the words, "Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah."

Do this early in your career. The truly nasty ones tend to drop dead as soon as they retire.

2. Scare the shit out of bookstore clerks.

Ask them if they like the picture of you on the back of the book. Be sure to wear the same outfit you're wearing in the jacket photo. To really mess with their heads, do this, then deny you're you.

3. Piss off everyone in your crit group who said you write nothing garbage.

Don't waste signed copies on them. A sweet smile and a simple "Guess you were wrong" does way more damage.

4. Use reviewers who trash your book as inspiration for certain characters.

The only thing more satisfying than revenge is turning a pseudo-intellectual critic into a blonde bimbo stripper who dresses like Slut Barbie and whose blood oxygen supply goes mainly to support her tits.

5. Issue press releases.

This is just too cool for words. All you need is Jimmy Olsen bobbing around your desk saying, "Want cream and sugar in that, Clark?"

6. Put the word "author" on your business cards.

Looks so official. Open the new box in private; you'll giggle a few times.

7. Have people ask you for your autograph.

Don't write "Buy More Copies" above your sig, though. Kind of tacky.

8. Meet your favorite author in the flesh.

When you do this the first time, do not carry a Coke in your hand. You will spill it on him/her.

9. Start a brag shelf and fill it with your own books.

Only thing better than a brag shelf? Two brag shelves.

10. Become a multi-millionaire bestselling author, invite all your publishers over to the house for a barbecue, handcuff them to the picnic table and make them watch as you burn all your unpublished work.

This is why success is the best revenge.