Some observations I've made lately (never mind about what or who) have me feeling the urge to do some writer math today. Bear with me; this is the stuff they don't teach you in Algebra I.
Serial weather reports ≠ world-building.
To build a world, you need just a tad bit more than an overcast sky and temperatures in the light jacket range. Show me some architecture, some locals, some flora, fauna, anything but current climate conditions, I beg you.
Endless introspective interludes < interesting reading.
I am your reader, not your character's therapist. Reading ten pages of your character's thoughts is like listening to my mother talk nonstop for three hours. I am sympathetic, really I am, but three pages is my absolute limit (Mom gets thirty minutes.) Try interspersing all those issues with some dialogue and action.
Hateful, selfish, shallow, disgruntled, untalented narcissists are not ≥ true storytellers.
They do quite well in Publishing, however, so get used to their unbearably evil presence, 'cause they ain't going anywhere. Don't wait for them to die young, either, because they also live forever. Look, just be glad you aren't married to one of them.
A first-novel bestseller does not → perpetual genius, stardom or even a very long writing career.
It often does = too much con-going, Tiki-bar visiting, online time-wasting, not enough writing and a second novel that tanks so bad they tear up your contract and tell you ta-ta. Your fans are waiting, so get back to work, genius.
Self-doubt spawned urges > rational thought.
Example: you e-mail your freshly-finished manuscript to your best writer friend with this demand: Just read the damn thing and tell me how much it sucks. Even if it sucks like a turbo-charged Dyson, your BWF isn't going to tell you that. At least not while you're acting all read-the-damn-thing crazy.
Soft amorphous fantasy places are not ⊆ adequate story setting.
Remember during the eighties, when you went to that mall photographer to have them do your author bio photo in that cashmere sweater that you thought was fun but in reality made you look like a great big pink Yeti as viewed by someone after cataract surgery? Same thing. And don't give me that "if it's not a real place it doesn't have to be all that detailed" nonsense. You want me to believe it's real? Make me.
What writer math have you done lately? Add your equations in comments.
Showing posts with label writing no-nos. Show all posts
Showing posts with label writing no-nos. Show all posts
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Monday, January 25, 2010
Story Divorce Ten
Ten Things that Indicate You and Your Story Should Part Ways
Backstory Shortages: A description of all your characters' backstories can fit comfortably on a Post-It note, and you're okay with that.
Character Massacre: By page fifty you find yourself killing off the entire cast, and you're not writing a zombie novel.
Crit Partner Pass: You refuse to show any pages of your story to your crit partner, unless you really hate him/her, in which case you dump all the pages on them.
Flame Fodder: when your spouse needs some kindling in order to start a fire on a cold night, you hand him the first three chapters you just polished.
Involvement Deficit: While editing your story, you fall asleep. Serious: While writing your story, you fall asleep. Terminal: While you're writing your story, your spouse interrupts to nervously ask where you put your living will.
Lifter Turnoff: While you're talking about it at your monthly chapter luncheon, the writer who perpetually eavesdrops on your conversations and writes stories that are always remarkably similar to your own abruptly changes tables.
Pitch Confession: Before you tell your editor about the story, you first apologize for the premise, the setting, the characters, the main conflict and the writing.
Slipshod Synopsis: The first draft of your synopsis for the story reads something like this: Joe meets Janet. They talk. Stuff happens. Janet needs to pick up some OJ from the market. So do I. And remind Tom about fixing the sink. Pay electric bill. Call Susan about the car pool. Did Jill finish her Algebra homework??? Um, then more stuff happens. The end.
Title Apathy: You've titled your story "This Stupid @#$!* Thing" and you're not in a real hurry to change it.
Unhappily Ever After: By the time you finish your story, all the characters in it are dead, or zombies. Or dead zombies.
Backstory Shortages: A description of all your characters' backstories can fit comfortably on a Post-It note, and you're okay with that.
Character Massacre: By page fifty you find yourself killing off the entire cast, and you're not writing a zombie novel.
Crit Partner Pass: You refuse to show any pages of your story to your crit partner, unless you really hate him/her, in which case you dump all the pages on them.
Flame Fodder: when your spouse needs some kindling in order to start a fire on a cold night, you hand him the first three chapters you just polished.
Involvement Deficit: While editing your story, you fall asleep. Serious: While writing your story, you fall asleep. Terminal: While you're writing your story, your spouse interrupts to nervously ask where you put your living will.
Lifter Turnoff: While you're talking about it at your monthly chapter luncheon, the writer who perpetually eavesdrops on your conversations and writes stories that are always remarkably similar to your own abruptly changes tables.
Pitch Confession: Before you tell your editor about the story, you first apologize for the premise, the setting, the characters, the main conflict and the writing.
Slipshod Synopsis: The first draft of your synopsis for the story reads something like this: Joe meets Janet. They talk. Stuff happens. Janet needs to pick up some OJ from the market. So do I. And remind Tom about fixing the sink. Pay electric bill. Call Susan about the car pool. Did Jill finish her Algebra homework??? Um, then more stuff happens. The end.
Title Apathy: You've titled your story "This Stupid @#$!* Thing" and you're not in a real hurry to change it.
Unhappily Ever After: By the time you finish your story, all the characters in it are dead, or zombies. Or dead zombies.
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