#1: Someone (you know who you are) asked me if there was a one-size-fits-all-genres synopsis template anywhere on the web. I found a site that offered instructions on how to create your own template using Microsoft Word, which will make and store a blank template formatted for a synopsis (you still have to write it.)
#2: While looking for the template, I found the Vivian Beck Agency, and their excellent page on 5 Steps to Writing a Synopsis. If you get mired down in writing synopses, or don't understand them, definitely check this out.
#3: Although I've not yet found a synopsis-generating software program that doesn't cost an arm and leg, our blog pal Simon Haynes's yWriter freeware can be used to create a synopsis using the summary data entered for each chapter. Another reason to adore Simon: he understands our pain.
I think I got over my serious dread of synopses by following some advice to write one for a novel by one of my favorite authors. Great practice, and no pressure involved.
What's the best synopsis tip you've ever gotten?
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Plot Algebra
Plot Algebraic Equations
Aphrodite's Curve Ball [H + H + A = LT]
To plot a love triangle, find the sum of the hero, heroine, and antagonist.
Boolean Secret Baby [H + H = (H + H)2 = H2 + 2H2 + H2 = H + 2H + H = H + H + H + H = B]
If the hero and heroine get together often enough, they will simplify their relationship, work out all their problems, and have a baby in last chapter.
Habeas Crime Fictionous [P / BLI + ES / TA = DB]
Protagonist divided by bimbo love interest plus ethnic sidekick divided by thuggish antagonist equals dead body.
Janus's Law of Duplicity [PT + RH = -A, P = A]
If the plot twists and red herrings do not result in an antagonist, then the protagonist is the antagonist.
Moufang Switcheroo [(PL)(IA) = P(LI)A
If the protagonist shares a love interest with the antagonist, then the love interest is out to screw one or both of them.
Properties of the Pissed-off [P < C, P + M (?GS + CC?) > C]
The protagonist is less than conflict, but the protagonist plus motivation is greater than conflict, especially if great sex and a cute chick are added into the equation.
Unending Order of the Infinite Series [P + . . . . + (C/(infinity)).FI = (number of open threads/2). (first + last motivations)=(infinity/2).(P+(C/(infinity)).FI)=(infinity/2).(P/(infinity)).A =(A-P)/Advance = KJA]
The bestselling fiction series shall be written until the publisher goes belly-up or the author drops dead, in which case Kevin J. Anderson will take over writing it.
(And they said that I'd never use it after high school. Ha.)
Extra credit: write an algebraic equation for your WIP or favorite novel in comments.
Aphrodite's Curve Ball [H + H + A = LT]
To plot a love triangle, find the sum of the hero, heroine, and antagonist.
Boolean Secret Baby [H + H = (H + H)2 = H2 + 2H2 + H2 = H + 2H + H = H + H + H + H = B]
If the hero and heroine get together often enough, they will simplify their relationship, work out all their problems, and have a baby in last chapter.
Habeas Crime Fictionous [P / BLI + ES / TA = DB]
Protagonist divided by bimbo love interest plus ethnic sidekick divided by thuggish antagonist equals dead body.
Janus's Law of Duplicity [PT + RH = -A, P = A]
If the plot twists and red herrings do not result in an antagonist, then the protagonist is the antagonist.
Moufang Switcheroo [(PL)(IA) = P(LI)A
If the protagonist shares a love interest with the antagonist, then the love interest is out to screw one or both of them.
Properties of the Pissed-off [P < C, P + M (?GS + CC?) > C]
The protagonist is less than conflict, but the protagonist plus motivation is greater than conflict, especially if great sex and a cute chick are added into the equation.
Unending Order of the Infinite Series [P + . . . . + (C/(infinity)).FI = (number of open threads/2). (first + last motivations)=(infinity/2).(P+(C/(infinity)).FI)=(infinity/2).(P/(infinity)).A =(A-P)/Advance = KJA]
The bestselling fiction series shall be written until the publisher goes belly-up or the author drops dead, in which case Kevin J. Anderson will take over writing it.
(And they said that I'd never use it after high school. Ha.)
Extra credit: write an algebraic equation for your WIP or favorite novel in comments.
Monday, January 29, 2007
Winner & Write Stuff Ten
The victim winner of the Test Subject Needed giveaway is leatherdykeuk, aka Rachel Green, who should e-mail me at LynnViehl@aol.com with your ship-to address so I can begin the torture send along the DVD and cards. Thanks to everyone for joining in -- as soon as I get in more cards, I'll have another volunteer giveaway.
Ten Things for the Writing Freeware Lovers
Freeware caution: always scan free downloads of anything for bugs and other threats before dumping the programs into your hard drive.
1. Type faster and more accurately with a free trial version of As-U-Type.
2. Extend the power of your Clipboard with ClipMagic freeware.
3. FlashPeak.com's IntelliEdit 1.0 freeware "is a Rich Text Editor powered by smart autocompletion. It can autocomplete words and phrases, auto-expand shorthands. It can even learn new words and phrase while typing."
4. Pot Boiler novel writing software offers a free trial version for download that's the same as the full version except for disabled file load and save features.
5. Add your favorite phrases, signature blocks and other frequently-used phrases with the freeware version of Quick Phrase.
6. Have your computer read your WIP back to you with Sayz Me freeware.
7. You can test drive some of the features of "The Writer's Software Companion" by downloading Storyline Interactive freeware.
8. Text Explosion is an abbreviation expander and can be used to auto-correct common spelling errors.
9. Replace your NotePad with WordTabs freeware.
10. Another Clipboard extender freeware, YC3, remembers the last 200 things you placed on your clipboard.
Reader freebies: The University of Virginia Library Electronic Text Center offers over 2,100 books for reading online or for download in Microsoft Reader and Palm format.
Ten Things for the Writing Freeware Lovers
Freeware caution: always scan free downloads of anything for bugs and other threats before dumping the programs into your hard drive.
1. Type faster and more accurately with a free trial version of As-U-Type.
2. Extend the power of your Clipboard with ClipMagic freeware.
3. FlashPeak.com's IntelliEdit 1.0 freeware "is a Rich Text Editor powered by smart autocompletion. It can autocomplete words and phrases, auto-expand shorthands. It can even learn new words and phrase while typing."
4. Pot Boiler novel writing software offers a free trial version for download that's the same as the full version except for disabled file load and save features.
5. Add your favorite phrases, signature blocks and other frequently-used phrases with the freeware version of Quick Phrase.
6. Have your computer read your WIP back to you with Sayz Me freeware.
7. You can test drive some of the features of "The Writer's Software Companion" by downloading Storyline Interactive freeware.
8. Text Explosion is an abbreviation expander and can be used to auto-correct common spelling errors.
9. Replace your NotePad with WordTabs freeware.
10. Another Clipboard extender freeware, YC3, remembers the last 200 things you placed on your clipboard.
Reader freebies: The University of Virginia Library Electronic Text Center offers over 2,100 books for reading online or for download in Microsoft Reader and Palm format.
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Story Clay
That which has been is what will be,
That which is done is what will be done,
And there is nothing new under the sun.
--Ecclesiastes 1:9, (NKJV)
In his diary, Michelangelo wrote the following about creating his very famous sculpture of David:
"The City Council asked me to carve a colossal David from a nineteen-foot block of marble -- and damaged to boot! I locked myself away in a workshop behind the cathedral, hammered and chiseled at the towering block for three long years. In spite of the opposition of a committee of fellow artists, I insisted that the figure should stand before the Palazzo Vecchio, as a symbol of our Republic. I had my way. Archways were torn down, narrow streets widened...it took forty men five days to move it. Once in place, all Florence was astounded. A civic hero, he was a warning...whoever governed Florence should govern justly and defend it bravely. Eyes watchful...the neck of a bull...hands of a killer...the body, a reservoir of energy. He stands poised to strike."
I love those four words: "I had my way." They still ring with Michelangelo's satisfaction.
The "damaged to boot" part is the interesting part, though. Another artist -- Agostino di Duccio -- had started working on that particular marble block forty years earlier, but for whatever reason had failed to make anything out of it. There aren't any photographs of the original marble block, but some biographies hint that Agostino had also been working on depicting David, and that Michelangelo had picked up where he left off.
In the writing world, it's often said that there are no new stories. What we write has already been done, and our books are nothing new under the sun. Chiseled in marble, statues of perfection, might as well give it up, etc.
Unless you consider that the writer can be the new factor in the equation.
Paying homage to what has been done (or, if you look at it from another view, ripping off someone else's work) by producing knock-offs isn't the same thing; look at what's happened to poor Tolkien over the years. Knock-offs may not be illegal, but they are troubling. No matter how they tweak it, if a writer doesn't bring anything new to a story, they're only creating a poor imitation.
Maybe it's the storyteller's sacred obligation to do whatever they can to bring something fresh to every story. Everyone sees things differently; the best storytellers show us old favorites via such a different angle that we see them in an entirely new light.
Take one of the most beloved myths in the world: Pygmalion, another story about a block of marble. Pygmalion brought his vision of the perfect woman to the stone and created Galatea, whom Aphrodite brought to life. Which inspired George Bernard Shaw, who adapted the myth for the stage, which eventually became the musical My Fair Lady; Stephen King to write his novel Carrie (and yeah, we've debated this one for years, but I still think it's a twisted version); the 1999 movie She's All That, in which high school jock Freddie Prinze Jr. turns a geeky Rachael Leigh Cook into a prom queen.
Cinderella, Pretty Woman, Miss Congeniality, The Princess Diaries -- they all have their roots in Pygmalion. Even Jessica Hall, may she rest in peace, drew on the myth as inspiration for the relationship and characters of the protagonists in her novel Heat of the Moment*. What makes them unique is not the mythic foundation upon which they're built, but how the storytellers used that, not as marble to worship, but as clay to be remolded into their individual vision of love and transformation. They reshaped it with their tools, touch and inner vision into something new under the sun. That's what can never be duplicated.
*I know, I have to stop talking about myself in third person.
That which is done is what will be done,
And there is nothing new under the sun.
--Ecclesiastes 1:9, (NKJV)
In his diary, Michelangelo wrote the following about creating his very famous sculpture of David:
"The City Council asked me to carve a colossal David from a nineteen-foot block of marble -- and damaged to boot! I locked myself away in a workshop behind the cathedral, hammered and chiseled at the towering block for three long years. In spite of the opposition of a committee of fellow artists, I insisted that the figure should stand before the Palazzo Vecchio, as a symbol of our Republic. I had my way. Archways were torn down, narrow streets widened...it took forty men five days to move it. Once in place, all Florence was astounded. A civic hero, he was a warning...whoever governed Florence should govern justly and defend it bravely. Eyes watchful...the neck of a bull...hands of a killer...the body, a reservoir of energy. He stands poised to strike."
I love those four words: "I had my way." They still ring with Michelangelo's satisfaction.
The "damaged to boot" part is the interesting part, though. Another artist -- Agostino di Duccio -- had started working on that particular marble block forty years earlier, but for whatever reason had failed to make anything out of it. There aren't any photographs of the original marble block, but some biographies hint that Agostino had also been working on depicting David, and that Michelangelo had picked up where he left off.
In the writing world, it's often said that there are no new stories. What we write has already been done, and our books are nothing new under the sun. Chiseled in marble, statues of perfection, might as well give it up, etc.
Unless you consider that the writer can be the new factor in the equation.
Paying homage to what has been done (or, if you look at it from another view, ripping off someone else's work) by producing knock-offs isn't the same thing; look at what's happened to poor Tolkien over the years. Knock-offs may not be illegal, but they are troubling. No matter how they tweak it, if a writer doesn't bring anything new to a story, they're only creating a poor imitation.
Maybe it's the storyteller's sacred obligation to do whatever they can to bring something fresh to every story. Everyone sees things differently; the best storytellers show us old favorites via such a different angle that we see them in an entirely new light.
Take one of the most beloved myths in the world: Pygmalion, another story about a block of marble. Pygmalion brought his vision of the perfect woman to the stone and created Galatea, whom Aphrodite brought to life. Which inspired George Bernard Shaw, who adapted the myth for the stage, which eventually became the musical My Fair Lady; Stephen King to write his novel Carrie (and yeah, we've debated this one for years, but I still think it's a twisted version); the 1999 movie She's All That, in which high school jock Freddie Prinze Jr. turns a geeky Rachael Leigh Cook into a prom queen.
Cinderella, Pretty Woman, Miss Congeniality, The Princess Diaries -- they all have their roots in Pygmalion. Even Jessica Hall, may she rest in peace, drew on the myth as inspiration for the relationship and characters of the protagonists in her novel Heat of the Moment*. What makes them unique is not the mythic foundation upon which they're built, but how the storytellers used that, not as marble to worship, but as clay to be remolded into their individual vision of love and transformation. They reshaped it with their tools, touch and inner vision into something new under the sun. That's what can never be duplicated.
*I know, I have to stop talking about myself in third person.
Saturday, January 27, 2007
Test Subject Needed
I need to experiment on one of you. You don't mind, right?
Remember that workshop thing I was talking about last week? I've transferred the VHS tape over to a DVD, but the sound quality is a little iffy, and I'm not sure it's clear enough to be useful (I know what we're saying in the tape so it's hard for me to judge.)
If you're interested, throw your name in the hat in comments by midnight EST on Sunday, January 28, 2007. I'll draw one name at random from everyone who does and send the winner the workshop DVD along with a deck of Archetype Storytelling Cards as my thanks for screening the DVD (which you can also keep.) Test giveaway open to everyone on the planet, even if you've won something here at PBW in the past.
Remember that workshop thing I was talking about last week? I've transferred the VHS tape over to a DVD, but the sound quality is a little iffy, and I'm not sure it's clear enough to be useful (I know what we're saying in the tape so it's hard for me to judge.)
If you're interested, throw your name in the hat in comments by midnight EST on Sunday, January 28, 2007. I'll draw one name at random from everyone who does and send the winner the workshop DVD along with a deck of Archetype Storytelling Cards as my thanks for screening the DVD (which you can also keep.) Test giveaway open to everyone on the planet, even if you've won something here at PBW in the past.
Friday, January 26, 2007
Friday 20
(Jordan did this to me. And she will pay.)
Womens Fiction Book Meme
Contemporary, Historical, or Paranormal? Unless it's Balogh, Valdez, or I can't get to sleep, not historical.
Hardback or Trade Paperback or Mass Market Paperback? You have to ask? Mass market paperback.
Heyer or Austen? Please. Austen.
Amazon or Brick and Mortar? Amazon's business practices drove me back to brick and mortar.
Barnes & Noble or Borders? Barnes & Noble online, mainly because they aren't affiliated with Amazon, and they've always given me great customer service. Borders brick and mortar because their store is less stodgy and their stock more interesting.
Woodiwiss or Lindsay? Hmmm. Who to choose. Lindsay because she's more prolific. And she has better hair.
First romance novel you ever remember reading? True romance? "Bride of the Rif" by Margaret Rome. And yep, I still have the book.
Alphabetize by author Alphabetize by title or random? Author then pub date, genre, and degree of re-readability. What? It's my system.
Keep, Throw Away or Sell? Always donate or pass along to family, friends and readers.
Read with dustjacket or remove it? Dustjacket stays on lately because the pup likes to chew anything made of paper.
Sookie Stackhouse or Anita Blake? I have to admit, I've given up on both.
Stop reading when tired or at chapter breaks? Read straight through or stop at whatever point in the book I am when the current domestic crisis reaches critical mass.
It was a dark and stormy night or Once upon a time? Who wrote this meme? My mother? Neither.
Crusie or SEP? In a cage match? Definitely Susan.
Buy or Borrow? Buy unless out of print, then borrow.
Buying choice: Book Reviews, Recommendation or Browse? Wave the pork butt in front of the starved tiger's nose, why don't you? Recs or browse.
Tidy ending or Cliffhanger? Cliffhanger. Or, if you're my editor and you're reading this, tidy ending.
Morning reading, Afternoon reading or Nighttime reading? Quantum reading. I like to read when I'm relaxing in the particle accelerator.
Series or standalone? Exemplary standalones that don't leave me wanting to punch out the author over the ending; otherwise, bring on the series.
Favorite book of which nobody else has heard?
La nuit des temps par René Barjavel.
To be extra mean, I'm tagging everyone who asks a question in comments today.
Womens Fiction Book Meme
Contemporary, Historical, or Paranormal? Unless it's Balogh, Valdez, or I can't get to sleep, not historical.
Hardback or Trade Paperback or Mass Market Paperback? You have to ask? Mass market paperback.
Heyer or Austen? Please. Austen.
Amazon or Brick and Mortar? Amazon's business practices drove me back to brick and mortar.
Barnes & Noble or Borders? Barnes & Noble online, mainly because they aren't affiliated with Amazon, and they've always given me great customer service. Borders brick and mortar because their store is less stodgy and their stock more interesting.
Woodiwiss or Lindsay? Hmmm. Who to choose. Lindsay because she's more prolific. And she has better hair.
First romance novel you ever remember reading? True romance? "Bride of the Rif" by Margaret Rome. And yep, I still have the book.
Alphabetize by author Alphabetize by title or random? Author then pub date, genre, and degree of re-readability. What? It's my system.
Keep, Throw Away or Sell? Always donate or pass along to family, friends and readers.
Read with dustjacket or remove it? Dustjacket stays on lately because the pup likes to chew anything made of paper.
Sookie Stackhouse or Anita Blake? I have to admit, I've given up on both.
Stop reading when tired or at chapter breaks? Read straight through or stop at whatever point in the book I am when the current domestic crisis reaches critical mass.
It was a dark and stormy night or Once upon a time? Who wrote this meme? My mother? Neither.
Crusie or SEP? In a cage match? Definitely Susan.
Buy or Borrow? Buy unless out of print, then borrow.
Buying choice: Book Reviews, Recommendation or Browse? Wave the pork butt in front of the starved tiger's nose, why don't you? Recs or browse.
Tidy ending or Cliffhanger? Cliffhanger. Or, if you're my editor and you're reading this, tidy ending.
Morning reading, Afternoon reading or Nighttime reading? Quantum reading. I like to read when I'm relaxing in the particle accelerator.
Series or standalone? Exemplary standalones that don't leave me wanting to punch out the author over the ending; otherwise, bring on the series.
Favorite book of which nobody else has heard?
La nuit des temps par René Barjavel.
To be extra mean, I'm tagging everyone who asks a question in comments today.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Learn Free
Thanks to the internet, writers can now attend classes and workshops from any spot on the globe. No classrooms. No spine-rearranging desks lined in wads of used gum. No snotty teacher to grab you by the sleeve and say, Well, Miss Smartie, why don't you stand up and read whatever you've been writing to the whole class?
By the way, kids, if you ever are caught writing an honest ode to your teacher's face, personality and the way she smells instead of watching her slaughter a sentence on the chalkboard, don't read your poem out loud to the class. Instead, recite Shakespeare's 29th sonnet -- she won't recognize it and you'll avoid a referral and a lengthy debate with the principal over your rights under the first ammendment (which I still think I should have won, Mr. Beale.)
Here are some online classes that anyone can afford:
Of interest to journalers and bloggers -- Gerry Starnes offers Conversations Within, an online workshop on journal writing.
Need a critique partner but live in the boondocks? Critters Workshop is described as "an on-line workshop/critique group for serious writers of Science Fiction, Fantasy, and Horror. You get your work critiqued in exchange for critiquing the work of others, both of which are invaluable ways to improve your writing."
The 2007 Crusie Mayer Writing Workshop is "A year-long workshop, updated twice weekly, on the craft of writing a novel presented by NY Times best-selling authors Jenny Crusie and Bob Mayer" (appears to be free; is being used as a test/info gathering exercise for a nonfic writing book the authors are planning to write.)
If you didn't get enough of it in school, the fiends at DailyGrammar.com will e-mail you a "short, fun grammar lesson Monday-Friday. There will also be a quiz each Saturday." Of course. There is always a quiz. No doubt given by the same twisted mind who paired the words "fun" and "grammar."
For 120 classes in a wide variety of subjects and courses, check out Free-ed.net.
Author Steven Barnes has a free writing class online: Lifewriting. He describes it as "the complete text of the 9-week writing class I've taught for years at UCLA."
News University offers some free courses like Get Me Rewrite: The Craft of Revision and Online Project Development for registered users; registration is free.
Paradigm Online Writing Assistant bills itself as "an interactive, menu-driven, online writer's guide and handbook written in HTML and distributed freely over the WWW."
According to the website intro, Storyarts six week on-line writing workshop is geared more toward helping writers who are just starting out; syllabus can be found here.
Now, your turn: what sort of writing classes (topic, length, type of class) would you like to see offered online?
By the way, kids, if you ever are caught writing an honest ode to your teacher's face, personality and the way she smells instead of watching her slaughter a sentence on the chalkboard, don't read your poem out loud to the class. Instead, recite Shakespeare's 29th sonnet -- she won't recognize it and you'll avoid a referral and a lengthy debate with the principal over your rights under the first ammendment (which I still think I should have won, Mr. Beale.)
Here are some online classes that anyone can afford:
Of interest to journalers and bloggers -- Gerry Starnes offers Conversations Within, an online workshop on journal writing.
Need a critique partner but live in the boondocks? Critters Workshop is described as "an on-line workshop/critique group for serious writers of Science Fiction, Fantasy, and Horror. You get your work critiqued in exchange for critiquing the work of others, both of which are invaluable ways to improve your writing."
The 2007 Crusie Mayer Writing Workshop is "A year-long workshop, updated twice weekly, on the craft of writing a novel presented by NY Times best-selling authors Jenny Crusie and Bob Mayer" (appears to be free; is being used as a test/info gathering exercise for a nonfic writing book the authors are planning to write.)
If you didn't get enough of it in school, the fiends at DailyGrammar.com will e-mail you a "short, fun grammar lesson Monday-Friday. There will also be a quiz each Saturday." Of course. There is always a quiz. No doubt given by the same twisted mind who paired the words "fun" and "grammar."
For 120 classes in a wide variety of subjects and courses, check out Free-ed.net.
Author Steven Barnes has a free writing class online: Lifewriting. He describes it as "the complete text of the 9-week writing class I've taught for years at UCLA."
News University offers some free courses like Get Me Rewrite: The Craft of Revision and Online Project Development for registered users; registration is free.
Paradigm Online Writing Assistant bills itself as "an interactive, menu-driven, online writer's guide and handbook written in HTML and distributed freely over the WWW."
According to the website intro, Storyarts six week on-line writing workshop is geared more toward helping writers who are just starting out; syllabus can be found here.
Now, your turn: what sort of writing classes (topic, length, type of class) would you like to see offered online?
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Strange Fruit
As I stood in line at the pack-n-ship place in town, an elderly farmer came in. An instant character, raw-boned, scarecrow-thin, with a driftwood face and a jujube-size cyst on the edge of his left eyelid. Baggy, sun-faded denims with permanent dirt stains on the seat and a washed-out, long-sleeved gray shirt sagged on his clothesline frame. The wind had combed his pure white hair for him, and on his shoulder hung a homemade canvas fruit picking bag, as if he'd wandered in directly from a grove.
He seemed a bit antsy, and I had fifty pounds of books to ship, so I let him go ahead of me in line. He smelled of dirt and weedkiller, sunshine and old-guy sweat. He told the clerk he wanted to ship the grapefruit in his bag, which the clerk immediately informed him that he couldn't do. Florida currently prohibits private shipping fruit out of state to prevent the spread of citrus canker.
"It's goin'-a Washington D.C.," the farmer told the clerk. "They doan have no groves so they doan care 'bout the canker."
The clerk turned him down a second time and went to answer the phone. The farmer turned to me and asked if the post office would ship his fruit. I told him that, as far as I knew, no one would. While we were waiting for the clerk, the farmer took a grapefruit from his bag and held it out for me to admire.
I eyed what looked like a pale yellow cantelope, with faint rain-mold streaks on the rind (this is a sign of authentic homegrown; the streaks are always washed off commercially-sold fruit, which is sometimes also dyed and waxed.) I'm not exaggerating on the size, either -- it had to be the largest grapefruit I've ever seen. The farmer told me his trees often produced eight pounders. I imagined he spent a lot of time shoring up his trees with cotton ties and two by twos to keep the weight of the fruit from snapping the branches.
I love grapefruit, and miss it terribly (I haven't been able to eat it for six months because it reacts with my medications) but that farmer's goliath specimen made me uneasy. He mentioned his graefruit were very juicy and full of seeds, but what else was in them? What was he using as fertilizer? Had he planted his trees over some septic tanks? Why bring a bag of just-picked grapefruit directly from the grove to a shipper? Anyone even remotely involved with citrus knows the state law; I know it. And why so adamant to send it to Washington D.C.?
I never thought something as ordinary as a grapefruit could give me the creeps, but that one did.
The clerk finally got off the phone, and for the third time refused to ship the grapefruit for the farmer. The farmer asked if he brought in a box to the post office and didn't say there was grapefuit in it, would they ship it? I shrugged. The clerk said it was between him and his conscience. The farmer bought a big box from the clerk, paid for it in quarters and ambled out.
I may have acted non-committal, but I doubted the farmer would get his fruit past the folks at the post office. Grapefruit has a distinctive smell, very sharp-bitter, that is especially intense if the rind is bruised or scored. Unless he seals the shipment in plastic, the odor will give it away.
The encounter got to me, though. By the time I shipped my boxes and returned to my car, I had worked out in my head five different ways to explain the farmer and his strange fruit:
1. A love gift to the farmer's old flame, who is dying of cancer in some hospital in Washington. A nurse will open the box for her and try to whisk it away, her rich husband will veto that, peel one and listen to her talk about the farmer as he feeds her the sections one by one.
2. Shrapnel bombs disguised as grapefruit, being sent to a certain Congressional Committee that has pissed off that farmer for the last time.
3. The final volley in a life-long feud between two brothers: one who got rich selling out the citrus industry as a lobbyist while his brother stayed home to farm the family groves (lobbyist brother has just been convicted in the Abramoff scandal, has lost everything, and is going to jail.)
4. Alien pods carrying something much worse than canker to Washington.
5. Grandpa's annual late-January, post-harvest box, sent as a gift to his son, daughter-in-law and grandkids, who will have to give half away to the neighbors, who will look at the size of them and wonder what the hell we have in the water here in Florida. One of the grandkids will dig out the designer tulip bulbs in her mother's windowbox and plant some of the seeds.
Or the whole thing could serve as the topic of a writer's weblog post on the method she uses to sketch out story ideas to get them out of her thoughts, onto paper and into a file so she can work on the WIP without mutant citrus dancing in her head.
How do you writers out there deal with your strange fruit?
He seemed a bit antsy, and I had fifty pounds of books to ship, so I let him go ahead of me in line. He smelled of dirt and weedkiller, sunshine and old-guy sweat. He told the clerk he wanted to ship the grapefruit in his bag, which the clerk immediately informed him that he couldn't do. Florida currently prohibits private shipping fruit out of state to prevent the spread of citrus canker.
"It's goin'-a Washington D.C.," the farmer told the clerk. "They doan have no groves so they doan care 'bout the canker."
The clerk turned him down a second time and went to answer the phone. The farmer turned to me and asked if the post office would ship his fruit. I told him that, as far as I knew, no one would. While we were waiting for the clerk, the farmer took a grapefruit from his bag and held it out for me to admire.
I eyed what looked like a pale yellow cantelope, with faint rain-mold streaks on the rind (this is a sign of authentic homegrown; the streaks are always washed off commercially-sold fruit, which is sometimes also dyed and waxed.) I'm not exaggerating on the size, either -- it had to be the largest grapefruit I've ever seen. The farmer told me his trees often produced eight pounders. I imagined he spent a lot of time shoring up his trees with cotton ties and two by twos to keep the weight of the fruit from snapping the branches.
I love grapefruit, and miss it terribly (I haven't been able to eat it for six months because it reacts with my medications) but that farmer's goliath specimen made me uneasy. He mentioned his graefruit were very juicy and full of seeds, but what else was in them? What was he using as fertilizer? Had he planted his trees over some septic tanks? Why bring a bag of just-picked grapefruit directly from the grove to a shipper? Anyone even remotely involved with citrus knows the state law; I know it. And why so adamant to send it to Washington D.C.?
I never thought something as ordinary as a grapefruit could give me the creeps, but that one did.
The clerk finally got off the phone, and for the third time refused to ship the grapefruit for the farmer. The farmer asked if he brought in a box to the post office and didn't say there was grapefuit in it, would they ship it? I shrugged. The clerk said it was between him and his conscience. The farmer bought a big box from the clerk, paid for it in quarters and ambled out.
I may have acted non-committal, but I doubted the farmer would get his fruit past the folks at the post office. Grapefruit has a distinctive smell, very sharp-bitter, that is especially intense if the rind is bruised or scored. Unless he seals the shipment in plastic, the odor will give it away.
The encounter got to me, though. By the time I shipped my boxes and returned to my car, I had worked out in my head five different ways to explain the farmer and his strange fruit:
1. A love gift to the farmer's old flame, who is dying of cancer in some hospital in Washington. A nurse will open the box for her and try to whisk it away, her rich husband will veto that, peel one and listen to her talk about the farmer as he feeds her the sections one by one.
2. Shrapnel bombs disguised as grapefruit, being sent to a certain Congressional Committee that has pissed off that farmer for the last time.
3. The final volley in a life-long feud between two brothers: one who got rich selling out the citrus industry as a lobbyist while his brother stayed home to farm the family groves (lobbyist brother has just been convicted in the Abramoff scandal, has lost everything, and is going to jail.)
4. Alien pods carrying something much worse than canker to Washington.
5. Grandpa's annual late-January, post-harvest box, sent as a gift to his son, daughter-in-law and grandkids, who will have to give half away to the neighbors, who will look at the size of them and wonder what the hell we have in the water here in Florida. One of the grandkids will dig out the designer tulip bulbs in her mother's windowbox and plant some of the seeds.
Or the whole thing could serve as the topic of a writer's weblog post on the method she uses to sketch out story ideas to get them out of her thoughts, onto paper and into a file so she can work on the WIP without mutant citrus dancing in her head.
How do you writers out there deal with your strange fruit?
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Workshops from Hell
Ten Workshops I Think I'll Skip
1. 101 Nice Euphemisms for the P-word: Why use something uncooth when you can call it a manroot?
2. Chapter One -- Reflecting on a Decade of Writing My Literary Novel: It may look like only seventeen typed, double-spaced pages, but it is so much more.
3. Correct that Book: Tired of authors using words, characters and scenes that you don't like? Sick of respecting copyright? Ways to alter print and electronic novels to your satisfaction (bonus: mini scrapbooking seminar included!)
4. Death of a Noble Sub-Genre: How paranormal romance and romantica authors are just runing everything for the six of us who still read historical romance, and what we plan to do about it. [Workshop materials required: poster board, colorful markers, glitter glue and stickers.]
5. Ex-Lax in Your Editor's Christmas Chocolates and Other Ways to Get Even: If she thinks you produce nothing but crap . . .
6. How to Really Impress a Bookseller: Learn how to make friends, perform oral sex in small, cramped offices, and watch your sell-through soar.
7. It WAS a Dark and Stormy Night: Opening your novel with powerful descriptions of the wonderful world of weather!
8. The Vanishing Art of Purple Prose: Help preserve romance's roots by learning how to properly illustrate secret, savagely intimate moments of white-hot blazing passion and heavenly undying everlasting devotion in the soft lilac velvety vise of the true love scene.
9. Ways to Win Industry Awards Through Blackmail: Overnighting the entry fee check, badmouthing the competition and sucking up to the judges just aren't enough to guarantee a trophy anymore. How prostitutes and long-range camera lenses can get your book the attention it truly deserves.
10. Wild Sex Scenes in Science Fiction Novels and the Handsome Guy Authors Who Write Them: (cancelled.)
1. 101 Nice Euphemisms for the P-word: Why use something uncooth when you can call it a manroot?
2. Chapter One -- Reflecting on a Decade of Writing My Literary Novel: It may look like only seventeen typed, double-spaced pages, but it is so much more.
3. Correct that Book: Tired of authors using words, characters and scenes that you don't like? Sick of respecting copyright? Ways to alter print and electronic novels to your satisfaction (bonus: mini scrapbooking seminar included!)
4. Death of a Noble Sub-Genre: How paranormal romance and romantica authors are just runing everything for the six of us who still read historical romance, and what we plan to do about it. [Workshop materials required: poster board, colorful markers, glitter glue and stickers.]
5. Ex-Lax in Your Editor's Christmas Chocolates and Other Ways to Get Even: If she thinks you produce nothing but crap . . .
6. How to Really Impress a Bookseller: Learn how to make friends, perform oral sex in small, cramped offices, and watch your sell-through soar.
7. It WAS a Dark and Stormy Night: Opening your novel with powerful descriptions of the wonderful world of weather!
8. The Vanishing Art of Purple Prose: Help preserve romance's roots by learning how to properly illustrate secret, savagely intimate moments of white-hot blazing passion and heavenly undying everlasting devotion in the soft lilac velvety vise of the true love scene.
9. Ways to Win Industry Awards Through Blackmail: Overnighting the entry fee check, badmouthing the competition and sucking up to the judges just aren't enough to guarantee a trophy anymore. How prostitutes and long-range camera lenses can get your book the attention it truly deserves.
10. Wild Sex Scenes in Science Fiction Novels and the Handsome Guy Authors Who Write Them: (cancelled.)
Monday, January 22, 2007
Outlining Ten
Ten Things to Help With Outlines
Freeware caution: always scan free downloads of anything for bugs and other threats before dumping the programs into your hard drive.
1. Fill in the blanks with Writing.com's Blank Novel Outline.
2. Rob Parnell uses the 1-10 method of outlining in his article Building Novel Templates.
3. The folks who created Compendium concept mapping freeware just released v. 1.5.1 in beta.
4. Organize Your Novel by S.L. Bartlett had a neat suggestion about creating a "Wall of Rogues" to help the writer visualize characters.
5. Need to outline during your lunch hour? Read Alicia Rasley's article, Outline Your Novel in Thirty Minutes.
6. Yours Truly's Single Novel Plotting Template.
7. Scene by Scene: A .pdf version of ScreenwritersWorkshop.com's The Step Outline: Getting to the Barebones of Your Idea can be downloaded here.
8. Topicscape mind mapping software offers a free trial version download, as does MindApp and, for Mac users, Tinderbox.
9. For the Linux users out there, try the digital notebook capabilities of Alexander Theel's TuxCards freeware.
10. But it's not mandatory: check out Crawford Kilian's post Writing Without an Outline.
Finally, folks keep e-mailing and asking me for this link: World Check, my post and outline on how much worldbuilding I do for a novel.
Freeware caution: always scan free downloads of anything for bugs and other threats before dumping the programs into your hard drive.
1. Fill in the blanks with Writing.com's Blank Novel Outline.
2. Rob Parnell uses the 1-10 method of outlining in his article Building Novel Templates.
3. The folks who created Compendium concept mapping freeware just released v. 1.5.1 in beta.
4. Organize Your Novel by S.L. Bartlett had a neat suggestion about creating a "Wall of Rogues" to help the writer visualize characters.
5. Need to outline during your lunch hour? Read Alicia Rasley's article, Outline Your Novel in Thirty Minutes.
6. Yours Truly's Single Novel Plotting Template.
7. Scene by Scene: A .pdf version of ScreenwritersWorkshop.com's The Step Outline: Getting to the Barebones of Your Idea can be downloaded here.
8. Topicscape mind mapping software offers a free trial version download, as does MindApp and, for Mac users, Tinderbox.
9. For the Linux users out there, try the digital notebook capabilities of Alexander Theel's TuxCards freeware.
10. But it's not mandatory: check out Crawford Kilian's post Writing Without an Outline.
Finally, folks keep e-mailing and asking me for this link: World Check, my post and outline on how much worldbuilding I do for a novel.
Sunday, January 21, 2007
The Last Samurai Agent
"Ms. Hartlace," Janey said over the intercom. "There's an agent who would like to speak to you."
Senior Editor Agatha Hartlace chewed the last piece of her doughnut and swallowed before she punched the reply button. "Tell whoever it is that I'm not in today."
After a pause, Janey said, "Uh, Ms. Hartlace, he's standing right here with his assistant. In my cubicle." She lowered her voice to a whisper. "He's carrying, like, swords."
Takamori, of course. Only he would have the nerve to show up without an appointment. "That's why I said to tell him come in." Agatha switched off the intercom, turned off The Young and the Restless feed on her computer, and brushed away the powdered sugar that had fallen on the front of her blouse. "Idiot temp."
Takamori entered the office and came to stand before Agatha's desk. His gleaming black hair was pulled back in a perfect chomage. He wore navy blue kamishimo and hakama over his black kimono, and two swords and a dagger thrust through the left side of his black silk obi. Agatha smelled cherry blossom and oiled steel as he offered her a shallow bow.
"Takamori, what a nice surprise." Agatha shuffled a stack of rejection form letters that needed rubber-stamping. "How are you?"
He folded his hands inside the wide ends of his sleeves and regarded her without expression. A petite woman in a pink kimono embroidered with white cranes stepped out from behind him and bowed.
"I am Natsu," the woman said. "I will translate what my master says into English for you."
"Okay." Agatha found it highly annoying that Takamori understood English perfectly but refused to speak it. "What can I do for you and your boss today?"
Several minutes of silence passed.
He was just trying to psyche her out; Agatha knew that. But he never blinked, and she wasn't sure he was even breathing. "Or should I say, what can I do for your client?"
Takamori uttered a long string of sharp syllables.
"My master says that the perfect manuscript is a rare thing," Natsu translated. "He says that you could spend your life looking for one, and it would not be a wasted life."
Agatha forced a smile. "He should talk to my mother sometime."
Takamori spoke again, with Natsu translating almost simultaneously. "My master says that his writer is an honorable author, with talent as endless as the stars. His writer wishes to write more novels for the House of Penguins, and offered you three most perfect proposals."
Takamori took a folded a contract from his sleeve, dropped it like a used tissue on the edge of her desk, and grunted.
Natsu gestured to the contract. "And you sent him this?"
"I did?" Agatha picked up the contract and skimmed the top page. "Oh, right, the one for the next three books. We're very pleased with how the last one sold." She checked through it. "Seems in order." She glanced up. "What's the problem?"
Natsu looked at Takamori, who drew his katana.
Agatha put down the contract. "Whatever it is, I'm sure we can work it out."
Takamori drove the tip of the katana into the worn carpet and drew his wakizashi sword.
"I don't understand," Agatha babbled, staring at the razor-sharp edge. "I thought our contract offer was very generous--"
Takamori placed the shorter sword across his palms and offered it to Agatha.
"As my master has no Kaishaku-nin," Natsu said, "he would be honored and grateful if you would behead him after he disembowels himself."
"Mr. Takamori!" Agatha jumped to her feet and backed away. "Natsu, tell him that there is no reason to commit hari-kari over an unsigned contract."
"Seppuku," Natsu corrected gently as Takamori placed the shorter sword on the desk. "For ninety years, the samurai of my master's agency have protected and fought for their writers. My master is the last, and now . . . he cannot stand the shame of defeat."
"This is a very nice offer," Agatha said firmly, and faced the samurai. "Takamori, I know you understand me. You also know how hard things are for the publishing industry now. Your author should feel grateful to have the work."
Takamori opened his upper garments and slipped out of them until he was naked to the waist. He dropped down and tucked his sleeves under his knees.
"Why is he doing that?" Agatha demanded.
"To prevent himself from falling backwards," Natsu said as Takamori removed a long dagger and contemplated it. "A samurai agent should die falling forward."
"Tell Mr. Takamori--"
Natsu gestured as Takamori took the hilt of the dagger in both hands. "If you would please stand behind my master, Miss Hartlace? You must cut off his head as soon as he slices open his stomach."
"Wait," Agatha begged as she saw him invert the dagger. "I know we can work this out. It's the advance, isn't it? I could do a little better for him. Maybe . . . two thousand more on signing?"
The tip of the dagger stopped an inch from Takamori's navel. The agent did not look at her.
"Three thousand," Agatha said, and gasped as he drew back the dagger for the final thrust. "Five thousand!"
"Ten thousand would restore my master's honor," Natsu said as Takamori closed his eyes.
"Seven. It's the best I can do. I swear."
Time crystallized as Takamori breathed in deeply. Agatha didn't exhale until she saw him lower the dagger and mutter something.
"My master says his writer will be displeased with him," Natsu said, her black eyes filled with delicate sorrow. "But he believes he can persuade him to accept such terms. You will issue a revised contract by Friday?" When she nodded, Takamori rose to his feet, sheathed his dagger and swords in his obi, and bowed.
Natsu did the same. "We are most humbly grateful for your understanding and generosity, Miss Hartlace."
"You're welcome. Have a nice day." She watched the pair leave her office as silently as they had entered before she collapsed in her chair. She groped, found the intercom button, and pressed it. "Janey?"
"Yes, Ms. Hartlace?"
"Get legal to issue a new contract for Takamori's author. Increase the advance on signing by seven thousand." Agatha opened a desk drawer and took out a roll of TUMs. "Then call that ninja agent I was not supposed to see at two and reschedule. I'm taking the rest of the day off."
Senior Editor Agatha Hartlace chewed the last piece of her doughnut and swallowed before she punched the reply button. "Tell whoever it is that I'm not in today."
After a pause, Janey said, "Uh, Ms. Hartlace, he's standing right here with his assistant. In my cubicle." She lowered her voice to a whisper. "He's carrying, like, swords."
Takamori, of course. Only he would have the nerve to show up without an appointment. "That's why I said to tell him come in." Agatha switched off the intercom, turned off The Young and the Restless feed on her computer, and brushed away the powdered sugar that had fallen on the front of her blouse. "Idiot temp."
Takamori entered the office and came to stand before Agatha's desk. His gleaming black hair was pulled back in a perfect chomage. He wore navy blue kamishimo and hakama over his black kimono, and two swords and a dagger thrust through the left side of his black silk obi. Agatha smelled cherry blossom and oiled steel as he offered her a shallow bow.
"Takamori, what a nice surprise." Agatha shuffled a stack of rejection form letters that needed rubber-stamping. "How are you?"
He folded his hands inside the wide ends of his sleeves and regarded her without expression. A petite woman in a pink kimono embroidered with white cranes stepped out from behind him and bowed.
"I am Natsu," the woman said. "I will translate what my master says into English for you."
"Okay." Agatha found it highly annoying that Takamori understood English perfectly but refused to speak it. "What can I do for you and your boss today?"
Several minutes of silence passed.
He was just trying to psyche her out; Agatha knew that. But he never blinked, and she wasn't sure he was even breathing. "Or should I say, what can I do for your client?"
Takamori uttered a long string of sharp syllables.
"My master says that the perfect manuscript is a rare thing," Natsu translated. "He says that you could spend your life looking for one, and it would not be a wasted life."
Agatha forced a smile. "He should talk to my mother sometime."
Takamori spoke again, with Natsu translating almost simultaneously. "My master says that his writer is an honorable author, with talent as endless as the stars. His writer wishes to write more novels for the House of Penguins, and offered you three most perfect proposals."
Takamori took a folded a contract from his sleeve, dropped it like a used tissue on the edge of her desk, and grunted.
Natsu gestured to the contract. "And you sent him this?"
"I did?" Agatha picked up the contract and skimmed the top page. "Oh, right, the one for the next three books. We're very pleased with how the last one sold." She checked through it. "Seems in order." She glanced up. "What's the problem?"
Natsu looked at Takamori, who drew his katana.
Agatha put down the contract. "Whatever it is, I'm sure we can work it out."
Takamori drove the tip of the katana into the worn carpet and drew his wakizashi sword.
"I don't understand," Agatha babbled, staring at the razor-sharp edge. "I thought our contract offer was very generous--"
Takamori placed the shorter sword across his palms and offered it to Agatha.
"As my master has no Kaishaku-nin," Natsu said, "he would be honored and grateful if you would behead him after he disembowels himself."
"Mr. Takamori!" Agatha jumped to her feet and backed away. "Natsu, tell him that there is no reason to commit hari-kari over an unsigned contract."
"Seppuku," Natsu corrected gently as Takamori placed the shorter sword on the desk. "For ninety years, the samurai of my master's agency have protected and fought for their writers. My master is the last, and now . . . he cannot stand the shame of defeat."
"This is a very nice offer," Agatha said firmly, and faced the samurai. "Takamori, I know you understand me. You also know how hard things are for the publishing industry now. Your author should feel grateful to have the work."
Takamori opened his upper garments and slipped out of them until he was naked to the waist. He dropped down and tucked his sleeves under his knees.
"Why is he doing that?" Agatha demanded.
"To prevent himself from falling backwards," Natsu said as Takamori removed a long dagger and contemplated it. "A samurai agent should die falling forward."
"Tell Mr. Takamori--"
Natsu gestured as Takamori took the hilt of the dagger in both hands. "If you would please stand behind my master, Miss Hartlace? You must cut off his head as soon as he slices open his stomach."
"Wait," Agatha begged as she saw him invert the dagger. "I know we can work this out. It's the advance, isn't it? I could do a little better for him. Maybe . . . two thousand more on signing?"
The tip of the dagger stopped an inch from Takamori's navel. The agent did not look at her.
"Three thousand," Agatha said, and gasped as he drew back the dagger for the final thrust. "Five thousand!"
"Ten thousand would restore my master's honor," Natsu said as Takamori closed his eyes.
"Seven. It's the best I can do. I swear."
Time crystallized as Takamori breathed in deeply. Agatha didn't exhale until she saw him lower the dagger and mutter something.
"My master says his writer will be displeased with him," Natsu said, her black eyes filled with delicate sorrow. "But he believes he can persuade him to accept such terms. You will issue a revised contract by Friday?" When she nodded, Takamori rose to his feet, sheathed his dagger and swords in his obi, and bowed.
Natsu did the same. "We are most humbly grateful for your understanding and generosity, Miss Hartlace."
"You're welcome. Have a nice day." She watched the pair leave her office as silently as they had entered before she collapsed in her chair. She groped, found the intercom button, and pressed it. "Janey?"
"Yes, Ms. Hartlace?"
"Get legal to issue a new contract for Takamori's author. Increase the advance on signing by seven thousand." Agatha opened a desk drawer and took out a roll of TUMs. "Then call that ninja agent I was not supposed to see at two and reschedule. I'm taking the rest of the day off."
Saturday, January 20, 2007
Friday, January 19, 2007
Friday 20
I was sorry to hear that Bookseller Chick's store is closing at the end of this month. I'm hoping she'll soon find another job where she's appreciated for her talents and enthusiasm.
Mom found and sent me an old home video of a writers' workshop for Archetype Storytelling Cards I did seven years ago; the first workshop I'd ever given as a pro writer. I'd never watched it, so I popped it in the VCR and let it roll. It seemed very weird to see a younger, better-dressed, redheaded version of myself. I'm wearing a suit I remember hating, and I uhmmed a bit and laughed a lot during my speaking. I appear quite happy and very enthusiastic about my topic.
I was also, well, armed. Yes, among other things, I waved around a sword and two guns as I role-played some archetype characters in the middle of the workshop. At a local RWA chapter meeting, no less. I bet those women popped some major champagne when I finally quit.
But that's who I was seven years ago: an energetic redhead who hated suits but loved writing, and especially loved to talk about writing. Who played the fool, put on a pirate's eyepatch and waved around toy weapons to communicate that love to others and make them laugh. The gilt was still on in those days; I had yet to be knocked on my ass. I'd spent so many years writing alone that I was overjoyed to finally find other people who I thought were like me, and who I trusted to accept me and help me and share the love.
Lord, I was such a rookie. No wonder I got stomped so hard.
You know what's really funny? What you don't see on the tape. Thanks to the home video quality, you can't tell that I was blushing through most of the workshop. I blush when I'm embarrassed, and what I remember most was feeling horribly self-conscious because everyone was watching me and I'd never done any public speaking. I would have fallen on my toy sword before I'd have admitted it, too.
Anyway, I transferred the video over to DVD, and contacted Lon Koenig Games to see if the Archetype Storytelling cards are still available, and they are. I think I might have a copy of the original workshop handout around here somewhere, too. I'm ordering some card decks, and I'll make a few copies of the DVD, and put together a PBW's first workshop giveaway as soon as I get all the stuff together.
Why? Mainly because I think it's still a pretty good workshop on characterization. Although the hair is silver-white now, I'm back to being a hermit and I traded in my suits for jeans and bunny slippers, the love for what we do hasn't changed. It is unstompable. Plus the part with the sword and the guns is cute.
That's all from my corner of the writing world. Anything happening with you guys? Have any questions for me this week?
Mom found and sent me an old home video of a writers' workshop for Archetype Storytelling Cards I did seven years ago; the first workshop I'd ever given as a pro writer. I'd never watched it, so I popped it in the VCR and let it roll. It seemed very weird to see a younger, better-dressed, redheaded version of myself. I'm wearing a suit I remember hating, and I uhmmed a bit and laughed a lot during my speaking. I appear quite happy and very enthusiastic about my topic.
I was also, well, armed. Yes, among other things, I waved around a sword and two guns as I role-played some archetype characters in the middle of the workshop. At a local RWA chapter meeting, no less. I bet those women popped some major champagne when I finally quit.
But that's who I was seven years ago: an energetic redhead who hated suits but loved writing, and especially loved to talk about writing. Who played the fool, put on a pirate's eyepatch and waved around toy weapons to communicate that love to others and make them laugh. The gilt was still on in those days; I had yet to be knocked on my ass. I'd spent so many years writing alone that I was overjoyed to finally find other people who I thought were like me, and who I trusted to accept me and help me and share the love.
Lord, I was such a rookie. No wonder I got stomped so hard.
You know what's really funny? What you don't see on the tape. Thanks to the home video quality, you can't tell that I was blushing through most of the workshop. I blush when I'm embarrassed, and what I remember most was feeling horribly self-conscious because everyone was watching me and I'd never done any public speaking. I would have fallen on my toy sword before I'd have admitted it, too.
Anyway, I transferred the video over to DVD, and contacted Lon Koenig Games to see if the Archetype Storytelling cards are still available, and they are. I think I might have a copy of the original workshop handout around here somewhere, too. I'm ordering some card decks, and I'll make a few copies of the DVD, and put together a PBW's first workshop giveaway as soon as I get all the stuff together.
Why? Mainly because I think it's still a pretty good workshop on characterization. Although the hair is silver-white now, I'm back to being a hermit and I traded in my suits for jeans and bunny slippers, the love for what we do hasn't changed. It is unstompable. Plus the part with the sword and the guns is cute.
That's all from my corner of the writing world. Anything happening with you guys? Have any questions for me this week?
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Smart Pens
It seems as if technology will soon make the pen as extinct as the e-mail did the letter, but maybe not. There are still people who prefer to write by hand, and certainly plenty of places where it's not convenient or permitted to take a laptop. With all the gadgets we have to carry, portability and multifuction capability is becoming an issue.
Digital "smart" pens may not be as sexy as the iPod or Chocolate, but they've come along nicely in the five years since Wired reported on the hunt for markets for the new technology (created by Anoto, a Swedish company.)
Sony Ericsson's CHA-30 ChatPen is a fully integrated digital pen that allows you to send handwritten e-mails, doodles and more. According to one article I read, smart pens like this one are being used to post entries to weblogs. On the other hand, PLANon's DocuPen is not a pen, but a pen-sized handheld scanner with many nifty features. I can't lug my scanner to the library, but I could definitely take this one with me.
Back in 2005 I included the Logitech IO in a pen ten list I wrote, but with the IO2 the company is offering a variety of software, specialty digital paper and other bells and whistles. For portable multifunction pens, I still think nothing beats Brando's USB MP3 Pen + FM Radio + Voice Recorder (try fitting separate devices that perform the same functions in your shirt pocket.)
One that may be perfect for the old-fashioned wroter, the Nokia Digital Pen SU-1B will remember up to 100 pages of handwritten notes for you. No more worrying about losing your notes in the shuffle, either -- you can store them on your PC in their orginal form (nice if you draw schematics or maps.) If you enjoy writing in bookstores and cafes but need a wireless connection for your laptop, Informatica's Wi-Fi Pen detects wireless internet signals and writes, too.
The smart pen has yet to make a significant impact on the publishing industry, but the potential is there. For writers, smart pens are the obvious bridge between the legal pad and the computer. Editors might someday might use a smart pen to add editing marks to an electronic manuscript and send revisions only via e-mail (no paper involved, so we'd save a few forests that way.) Agents negotiating deals with publishers could keep their authors in the loop during the meetings by writing their notes with a smart pen and transmitting the data simultaneously to the author and receiving their feedback just as quickly.
More is on the way. Companies like Fruits and Maxell are continuing to develop new applications for the Anoto technology. Digital paper is still in its infancy; it might become the bridge between the traditional print and electronic novel (I'm thinking of paper or paper-like pages implanted with programmable text. You'd have the feel of a book but you could change the story to whatever you want to read by downloading a new text.)
Speaking for the handicapped writers out here, I'd like to see a pen built along the lines of an optical mouse (or one that is operated by one.) People who can't hold pens or who can't write legibly with one can usually still roll a mouse.
What sort of functions would you like to see in the next generation of smart pens?
Digital "smart" pens may not be as sexy as the iPod or Chocolate, but they've come along nicely in the five years since Wired reported on the hunt for markets for the new technology (created by Anoto, a Swedish company.)
Sony Ericsson's CHA-30 ChatPen is a fully integrated digital pen that allows you to send handwritten e-mails, doodles and more. According to one article I read, smart pens like this one are being used to post entries to weblogs. On the other hand, PLANon's DocuPen is not a pen, but a pen-sized handheld scanner with many nifty features. I can't lug my scanner to the library, but I could definitely take this one with me.
Back in 2005 I included the Logitech IO in a pen ten list I wrote, but with the IO2 the company is offering a variety of software, specialty digital paper and other bells and whistles. For portable multifunction pens, I still think nothing beats Brando's USB MP3 Pen + FM Radio + Voice Recorder (try fitting separate devices that perform the same functions in your shirt pocket.)
One that may be perfect for the old-fashioned wroter, the Nokia Digital Pen SU-1B will remember up to 100 pages of handwritten notes for you. No more worrying about losing your notes in the shuffle, either -- you can store them on your PC in their orginal form (nice if you draw schematics or maps.) If you enjoy writing in bookstores and cafes but need a wireless connection for your laptop, Informatica's Wi-Fi Pen detects wireless internet signals and writes, too.
The smart pen has yet to make a significant impact on the publishing industry, but the potential is there. For writers, smart pens are the obvious bridge between the legal pad and the computer. Editors might someday might use a smart pen to add editing marks to an electronic manuscript and send revisions only via e-mail (no paper involved, so we'd save a few forests that way.) Agents negotiating deals with publishers could keep their authors in the loop during the meetings by writing their notes with a smart pen and transmitting the data simultaneously to the author and receiving their feedback just as quickly.
More is on the way. Companies like Fruits and Maxell are continuing to develop new applications for the Anoto technology. Digital paper is still in its infancy; it might become the bridge between the traditional print and electronic novel (I'm thinking of paper or paper-like pages implanted with programmable text. You'd have the feel of a book but you could change the story to whatever you want to read by downloading a new text.)
Speaking for the handicapped writers out here, I'd like to see a pen built along the lines of an optical mouse (or one that is operated by one.) People who can't hold pens or who can't write legibly with one can usually still roll a mouse.
What sort of functions would you like to see in the next generation of smart pens?
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Productivity
A few new/revised ideas on getting more out of your writing time:
I know how much I harp on quota, but don't count or think about the number of words, pages or scenes you're getting down while you're in the process of writing. This can be as detrimental to your progress as backtracking and rewriting. Forget all about the numbers and simply write straight through your allotted writing time. You can get out your calculator and kick yourself (or pat yourself on the back) when you're done for the day.
Try using footnotes or comments as block tags. I've mentioned that when I can't find the words to describe something (usually setting), I tag it in the manuscript like this: [describe Central Park in mid-winter] and move on. Later I would do a search for the [] brackets and fill in what I didn't write. Recently I've instead tried using MS Word footnotes or highlighted comments to perform the same task. It seems to works better and faster for me than my old method, and I never miss a tag now.
Some potentially useful freeware* to make the most of your lunch hour at work (if your boss is okay with you using the company computer for personal stuff, naturally): Portable Scribus freeware is "a portable version of an open source page maker called Scribus, which is much like Adobe Pagemaker, which can help create professional looking documents, newsletters, magazines, etc. With Portable Scribus, you can put it on your USB drive, and plug it in to any computer, and leave not trace behind when you're done."
(A sidebar on Scribus: Author Jacques Centelles used Scribus to put together his lovely, photo-rich book on marine life, which you can read about it on the Scribus site here; there are also some notes on the site about another French author who actually published a book made with Scribus.)
Work out a scene timeline in your head or on paper before you write the actual scene. This is simply a way of sketching out the main events of a scene in sequence and in advance of the writing (organic writers may ignore this if it crowds them too much.) Example:
John takes Marcia home from Halloween party.
Marcia produces stolen, mystical diamond.
John informs Marcia that he is a cop.
Marcia attempts to run into her house.
John uses his half-demon powers to stop her.
Marcia gives John the diamond and insists it was planted on her.
John has precog vision and pulls Marcia into his arms.
Marcia's house explodes.
Finally, an interesting setting trick passed along from one of my high school students that can help those of us who struggle with fleshing out settings: you can furnish your character's house by cutting out bedroom, living room and diningroom sets from sale circulars in the Sunday paper or from furniture catalogs and taping them to pages in your novel notebook (historical writers may want to use images of period furniture taken off the internet.) If you don't like what's advertised, go to furniture stores and take photos of what you do like. If there's some element in the picture that you want to add or change, draw it in or tape in a replacement item. If you really want to get detailed, add paint, counter, rug and/or flooring chips from a home improvement store for each room. Now, how does all this save time? Before you write a scene in that room, look at the room pages in your notebook to refresh your memory about exactly how you planned it to look.
What have you found or invented recently that's helped you with your writing productivity? Let us know in comments.
*Freeware caution: always scan free downloads of anything for bugs and other threats before dumping the programs into your hard drive.
I know how much I harp on quota, but don't count or think about the number of words, pages or scenes you're getting down while you're in the process of writing. This can be as detrimental to your progress as backtracking and rewriting. Forget all about the numbers and simply write straight through your allotted writing time. You can get out your calculator and kick yourself (or pat yourself on the back) when you're done for the day.
Try using footnotes or comments as block tags. I've mentioned that when I can't find the words to describe something (usually setting), I tag it in the manuscript like this: [describe Central Park in mid-winter] and move on. Later I would do a search for the [] brackets and fill in what I didn't write. Recently I've instead tried using MS Word footnotes or highlighted comments to perform the same task. It seems to works better and faster for me than my old method, and I never miss a tag now.
Some potentially useful freeware* to make the most of your lunch hour at work (if your boss is okay with you using the company computer for personal stuff, naturally): Portable Scribus freeware is "a portable version of an open source page maker called Scribus, which is much like Adobe Pagemaker, which can help create professional looking documents, newsletters, magazines, etc. With Portable Scribus, you can put it on your USB drive, and plug it in to any computer, and leave not trace behind when you're done."
(A sidebar on Scribus: Author Jacques Centelles used Scribus to put together his lovely, photo-rich book on marine life, which you can read about it on the Scribus site here; there are also some notes on the site about another French author who actually published a book made with Scribus.)
Work out a scene timeline in your head or on paper before you write the actual scene. This is simply a way of sketching out the main events of a scene in sequence and in advance of the writing (organic writers may ignore this if it crowds them too much.) Example:
John takes Marcia home from Halloween party.
Marcia produces stolen, mystical diamond.
John informs Marcia that he is a cop.
Marcia attempts to run into her house.
John uses his half-demon powers to stop her.
Marcia gives John the diamond and insists it was planted on her.
John has precog vision and pulls Marcia into his arms.
Marcia's house explodes.
Finally, an interesting setting trick passed along from one of my high school students that can help those of us who struggle with fleshing out settings: you can furnish your character's house by cutting out bedroom, living room and diningroom sets from sale circulars in the Sunday paper or from furniture catalogs and taping them to pages in your novel notebook (historical writers may want to use images of period furniture taken off the internet.) If you don't like what's advertised, go to furniture stores and take photos of what you do like. If there's some element in the picture that you want to add or change, draw it in or tape in a replacement item. If you really want to get detailed, add paint, counter, rug and/or flooring chips from a home improvement store for each room. Now, how does all this save time? Before you write a scene in that room, look at the room pages in your notebook to refresh your memory about exactly how you planned it to look.
What have you found or invented recently that's helped you with your writing productivity? Let us know in comments.
*Freeware caution: always scan free downloads of anything for bugs and other threats before dumping the programs into your hard drive.
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
ARCs Away
I appreciate everyone coming up with so many terrific ideas on how to handle extra ARCs. I wish I had enough to send you all a copy. But names have to be drawn, so the winners of the Take My ARCs, Please giveaway (along with the suggestion they made that I'm going to use) are:
1. Applejacks0711, who suggested: "I like the idea of donating it to a cancer treatment center (my grandmother and mother would love to read stuff like that when they're there)."
2. Jason, who suggested: "You could donate them to a soldier. I'm pretty sure that they need something to get their minds off of their current situation."
3. Firebrand, who suggested: "New reading material would be much appreciated here at the Burn Unit."
4. Karen W., who suggested: "I'm always all for donating to a women's shelters..."
5. Edie, whose comment read: "Send them to the amputee ward of military hospitals for severely injured troops."
Winners, please send your full name and ship-to information to LynnViehl@aol.com so I can get these ARCs out to you. Firebrand, if you would also send the address for the Burn Unit, I'd appreciate it.
I'll have a post later on in the week (with pics if possible) as I distribute the other ARCs according to your suggestions. Thanks again to everyone for joining in.
1. Applejacks0711, who suggested: "I like the idea of donating it to a cancer treatment center (my grandmother and mother would love to read stuff like that when they're there)."
2. Jason, who suggested: "You could donate them to a soldier. I'm pretty sure that they need something to get their minds off of their current situation."
3. Firebrand, who suggested: "New reading material would be much appreciated here at the Burn Unit."
4. Karen W., who suggested: "I'm always all for donating to a women's shelters..."
5. Edie, whose comment read: "Send them to the amputee ward of military hospitals for severely injured troops."
Winners, please send your full name and ship-to information to LynnViehl@aol.com so I can get these ARCs out to you. Firebrand, if you would also send the address for the Burn Unit, I'd appreciate it.
I'll have a post later on in the week (with pics if possible) as I distribute the other ARCs according to your suggestions. Thanks again to everyone for joining in.
Monday, January 15, 2007
No Purchase Necessary Ten
Ten Things That Will Cost You Nothing
Freeware caution: always scan free downloads of anything for bugs and other threats before dumping the programs into your hard drive.
1. Easily save web content to a clipboard for offline viewing and use with AmazeCopy freeware.
2. eSnips offers 1GB of storage to keep private, make available to a group, or go public with your web snippets, links, pics, audio, video, documents and files. Registration required, but membership is free (this seems like it would be a good, cheap way to store extra copies of your important files away from your home or office location.)
3. A small app freeware that allows you to print multiple PDF files in one batch; Multiple PDF Printer.
4. PBWiki allows you to make a web page that can be edited by multiple people (thanks to Jean for mentioning this one.)
5. Yet another WordPad replacement freeware, QJot, is being billed as "a relatively small, completely USB portable, alternative rich text editor that saves .doc files, inserts images and more."
6. Make snazzy graphics for your documents or web pages with Rockin' Text freeware.
7. Create your own tiled backgrounds with the very cool online paint/generator, The Tile Machine (I played with this one; you can see my first attempt in the gallery, listed under Paperback Writer.)
8. Use your words to create typo poster-styled art with ladyK's TypoGenerator (this is a great tool for creating concept art for e-book covers and promo but, like Dreamlines, very addictive.)
9. Custom design the wallpaper for your desktop online with Wallpaper Generator 2007.
10. Need more wiki? Have a look at the wiki-style notepad/organizer freeware Wikidpad.
Also, if you're in need of a great book about writing professionally, but don't have room in the budget this month to buy one, check out the e-book version of Mugging the Muse: Writing Fiction for Love AND Money by Holly Lisle. It's immensely helpful, wonderfully written, and absolutely free.
Freeware caution: always scan free downloads of anything for bugs and other threats before dumping the programs into your hard drive.
1. Easily save web content to a clipboard for offline viewing and use with AmazeCopy freeware.
2. eSnips offers 1GB of storage to keep private, make available to a group, or go public with your web snippets, links, pics, audio, video, documents and files. Registration required, but membership is free (this seems like it would be a good, cheap way to store extra copies of your important files away from your home or office location.)
3. A small app freeware that allows you to print multiple PDF files in one batch; Multiple PDF Printer.
4. PBWiki allows you to make a web page that can be edited by multiple people (thanks to Jean for mentioning this one.)
5. Yet another WordPad replacement freeware, QJot, is being billed as "a relatively small, completely USB portable, alternative rich text editor that saves .doc files, inserts images and more."
6. Make snazzy graphics for your documents or web pages with Rockin' Text freeware.
7. Create your own tiled backgrounds with the very cool online paint/generator, The Tile Machine (I played with this one; you can see my first attempt in the gallery, listed under Paperback Writer.)
8. Use your words to create typo poster-styled art with ladyK's TypoGenerator (this is a great tool for creating concept art for e-book covers and promo but, like Dreamlines, very addictive.)
9. Custom design the wallpaper for your desktop online with Wallpaper Generator 2007.
10. Need more wiki? Have a look at the wiki-style notepad/organizer freeware Wikidpad.
Also, if you're in need of a great book about writing professionally, but don't have room in the budget this month to buy one, check out the e-book version of Mugging the Muse: Writing Fiction for Love AND Money by Holly Lisle. It's immensely helpful, wonderfully written, and absolutely free.
Sunday, January 14, 2007
Take My ARCs, Please
My very kind editor just sent me a box of ARC copies of my May release, Night Lost. After I send the ones I've promised to Mom, friends and reviewers who have requested copies, I'll still have ten copies leftover.
I feel like trying something different this time -- how about you all decide what happens to them?
In comments to this post, let me know what you think should be done with one Night Lost ARC (besides give it to you or something anatomically unlikely.) Post your suggestion by midnight EST on Monday, January 15th. I'll draw five names from everyone who participates, and send the winners a signed ARC of Night Lost. I will also use each of the winners' suggestions to distribute the remaining five ARCs. Giveaway open to everyone on the planet, even if you've won something here at PBW in the past.
I feel like trying something different this time -- how about you all decide what happens to them?
In comments to this post, let me know what you think should be done with one Night Lost ARC (besides give it to you or something anatomically unlikely.) Post your suggestion by midnight EST on Monday, January 15th. I'll draw five names from everyone who participates, and send the winners a signed ARC of Night Lost. I will also use each of the winners' suggestions to distribute the remaining five ARCs. Giveaway open to everyone on the planet, even if you've won something here at PBW in the past.
Saturday, January 13, 2007
Mary Sue Anonymous
A tall brunette walked to the front of the meeting room and stepped up to the podium. "Hi, everyone. My name's Jane, and I write Mary Sue novels."
"Hi, Jane."
"I've been coming to meetings three times a week for nine months now." Jane toyed with a thread hanging from the end of her sleeve. "I was feeling pretty good, and confident about earning my one-year chip, but this past weekend, I . . . I fell off the wagon."
Most of the audience shifted in their seats.
Jane pushed her shoulders back. "I knew what I was doing. I mean, I knew when I made my protagonist a virgin at twenty-six that I was heading down the wrong road. She's not a Christian fundamentalist, or unmarried and living in Iran. But I just couldn't bring myself to give her a fumbling backseat high school experience or a token bad marriage to an older man with regular erectile dysfunction. It's stupid, but . . . I really thought I could handle it."
Someone snorted loudly. A middle-aged redhead in the second row elbowed the bearded man sitting next to her.
"I kept writing, and made her beautiful and built and brilliant . . ." Jane stopped and covered her face with a trembling hand.
The redhead sighed. "The three killer B's."
Jane dropped her hand and bravely pushed on. "From there, I admit, it snowballed. I gave her a bottle-green Jag, and a job curating an art museum, and a Victorian mansion she bought for a song and renovated single-handedly. The next thing I knew she was gardening, raising hybrid roses and tossing together gourmet dinners for one."
A lanky teenager in a black leather jacket slowly clapped his hands three times. "So what did you name her? Elizabeth? Angelique?"
"Jennifer. Jennifer Jane Fairchild." Jane avoided his eyes. "I knew it was wrong. I knew it spelled the end of my sobriety, but you know . . . God, it felt so good to write it."
A thin, balding man stood up. "Tell us about the dog, Jane."
"I don't know what you mean." Jane's chin lifted. "I didn't write a dog in the story."
Everyone stared at her.
"All right. All right." Jane hung her head. "It was a golden retriever. Never sheds, never pukes or piddles on the carpet. Sleeps on the floor at the foot of Jennifer's antique brass bed. I named him . . .Goldie."
A tattered-looking man with a straggly goatee and a black cigarette planted between his chapped lips entered the meeting room and took a seat in the back row.
"Anyway." Jane paused to sniff a few times. "I did stop. I stopped as soon as Jennifer Jane stumbled across a Neo-Nazi plot to murder the democratic, extremely popular governor of her state. A murder which only she personally could prevent, of course, at great personal risk. I put away the pages in my desk."
"Oh, Jane." The redhead knuckled away a tear.
"I don't see what the big deal is," Jane snapped. "Sure, I know the rules. My protagonist should have been a recovering crack whore hiding from the cops in a flop house room with a sometimes-boyfriend named Wife Beater--"
The man with the goatee interrupted Jane by applauding loudly. One of the women sitting near him leaned over, asked him a question, shook her head and pointed to the door. The man with the goatee rose and walked out.
Jane rubbed some sweat from her face. "It's not like I'm going to publish it. Look, it was just a story. One story."
"That's how it starts, Jane," the balding man in the front row said, not without some sympathy. "One story, and then another, and soon you can justify every aspect of the Mary Sue novel. You join a writer organization, wear pink suits, have your business cards scented and go to luncheons once a month. And you know what the next step is after that."
Jane paled. "That won't happen to me."
"You never think it does," he said, "but then suddenly you're writing the last three words of your novel." He looked around the room. "And they are?"
The audience answered as a group. "Happily. Ever. After."
Jane burst into tears.
"I think we should have a reading now, to remind us all of why we're here." The balding man opened the book in his hands and began to read. "The Twelve Suggested Steps of Mary Sue Anonymous. Step One: We admitted we were powerless over Mary Sues--that our stories had become unrealistic."
As Jane groped in her purse for a tissue, the other people in the meeting echoed the balding man's words. Down the hall, the man with the goatee finally found the correct room for his meeting. He was welcomed by that group, and invited to step up to the podium and introduce himself.
"Howdy." He rubbed his mouth, dishevelling his goatee. "My name is Nick, and I write literary novels."
"Hi, Nick."
"Hi, Jane."
"I've been coming to meetings three times a week for nine months now." Jane toyed with a thread hanging from the end of her sleeve. "I was feeling pretty good, and confident about earning my one-year chip, but this past weekend, I . . . I fell off the wagon."
Most of the audience shifted in their seats.
Jane pushed her shoulders back. "I knew what I was doing. I mean, I knew when I made my protagonist a virgin at twenty-six that I was heading down the wrong road. She's not a Christian fundamentalist, or unmarried and living in Iran. But I just couldn't bring myself to give her a fumbling backseat high school experience or a token bad marriage to an older man with regular erectile dysfunction. It's stupid, but . . . I really thought I could handle it."
Someone snorted loudly. A middle-aged redhead in the second row elbowed the bearded man sitting next to her.
"I kept writing, and made her beautiful and built and brilliant . . ." Jane stopped and covered her face with a trembling hand.
The redhead sighed. "The three killer B's."
Jane dropped her hand and bravely pushed on. "From there, I admit, it snowballed. I gave her a bottle-green Jag, and a job curating an art museum, and a Victorian mansion she bought for a song and renovated single-handedly. The next thing I knew she was gardening, raising hybrid roses and tossing together gourmet dinners for one."
A lanky teenager in a black leather jacket slowly clapped his hands three times. "So what did you name her? Elizabeth? Angelique?"
"Jennifer. Jennifer Jane Fairchild." Jane avoided his eyes. "I knew it was wrong. I knew it spelled the end of my sobriety, but you know . . . God, it felt so good to write it."
A thin, balding man stood up. "Tell us about the dog, Jane."
"I don't know what you mean." Jane's chin lifted. "I didn't write a dog in the story."
Everyone stared at her.
"All right. All right." Jane hung her head. "It was a golden retriever. Never sheds, never pukes or piddles on the carpet. Sleeps on the floor at the foot of Jennifer's antique brass bed. I named him . . .Goldie."
A tattered-looking man with a straggly goatee and a black cigarette planted between his chapped lips entered the meeting room and took a seat in the back row.
"Anyway." Jane paused to sniff a few times. "I did stop. I stopped as soon as Jennifer Jane stumbled across a Neo-Nazi plot to murder the democratic, extremely popular governor of her state. A murder which only she personally could prevent, of course, at great personal risk. I put away the pages in my desk."
"Oh, Jane." The redhead knuckled away a tear.
"I don't see what the big deal is," Jane snapped. "Sure, I know the rules. My protagonist should have been a recovering crack whore hiding from the cops in a flop house room with a sometimes-boyfriend named Wife Beater--"
The man with the goatee interrupted Jane by applauding loudly. One of the women sitting near him leaned over, asked him a question, shook her head and pointed to the door. The man with the goatee rose and walked out.
Jane rubbed some sweat from her face. "It's not like I'm going to publish it. Look, it was just a story. One story."
"That's how it starts, Jane," the balding man in the front row said, not without some sympathy. "One story, and then another, and soon you can justify every aspect of the Mary Sue novel. You join a writer organization, wear pink suits, have your business cards scented and go to luncheons once a month. And you know what the next step is after that."
Jane paled. "That won't happen to me."
"You never think it does," he said, "but then suddenly you're writing the last three words of your novel." He looked around the room. "And they are?"
The audience answered as a group. "Happily. Ever. After."
Jane burst into tears.
"I think we should have a reading now, to remind us all of why we're here." The balding man opened the book in his hands and began to read. "The Twelve Suggested Steps of Mary Sue Anonymous. Step One: We admitted we were powerless over Mary Sues--that our stories had become unrealistic."
As Jane groped in her purse for a tissue, the other people in the meeting echoed the balding man's words. Down the hall, the man with the goatee finally found the correct room for his meeting. He was welcomed by that group, and invited to step up to the podium and introduce himself.
"Howdy." He rubbed his mouth, dishevelling his goatee. "My name is Nick, and I write literary novels."
"Hi, Nick."
Friday, January 12, 2007
Friday 20
It's been like a Chinese curse around here this week, hasn't it? Next thing you know they'll be featuring our decapitated heads stacked on the cover of Publishers Weekly.
One thing that made me laugh: a day after I posted my Reality Novelists spoof, the New York Times ran this article about Simon & Schuster's Touchstone imprint holding an online reality novelist competition. First prize appears to be publication of "a book by a first-time author who wins a contest on Gather.com, a social-networking site that might be described as MySpace for grown-ups."
A MySpace for grown-ups. Check.
Despite my rather excellent timing, I am not psychic, nor do I have an inside source at S&S or the Times. I've probably spoofed the Times too often to have any friends there. Shame, too, as I think Dave Itzkoff is kinda hot, mainly because the Borg haven't been able to assimilate him.
One more treasure I unearthed from the bookmark cellar during an interesting discussion in comments over at Robert Gregory Browne's place: Lakshmi Chaudhry's article on the various theories about why most readers are female versus male.
For the benefit of our newest visitors, Fridays are usually Q&A day here at PBW. This is how it works: you post any writing- or publishing-related question in comments, and I do my best to answer it, or point you to a better source of opinion and/or information, from midnight EST Thursday to midnight EST on Friday.
Ready? Ask away.
One thing that made me laugh: a day after I posted my Reality Novelists spoof, the New York Times ran this article about Simon & Schuster's Touchstone imprint holding an online reality novelist competition. First prize appears to be publication of "a book by a first-time author who wins a contest on Gather.com, a social-networking site that might be described as MySpace for grown-ups."
A MySpace for grown-ups. Check.
Despite my rather excellent timing, I am not psychic, nor do I have an inside source at S&S or the Times. I've probably spoofed the Times too often to have any friends there. Shame, too, as I think Dave Itzkoff is kinda hot, mainly because the Borg haven't been able to assimilate him.
One more treasure I unearthed from the bookmark cellar during an interesting discussion in comments over at Robert Gregory Browne's place: Lakshmi Chaudhry's article on the various theories about why most readers are female versus male.
For the benefit of our newest visitors, Fridays are usually Q&A day here at PBW. This is how it works: you post any writing- or publishing-related question in comments, and I do my best to answer it, or point you to a better source of opinion and/or information, from midnight EST Thursday to midnight EST on Friday.
Ready? Ask away.
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