App Goes PBW

Probably the most popular bit of humor I've ever written on PBW were the two posts that became The Devil's Publishing Dictionary, my homage to Ambrose Bierce and the industry. I still get e-mail about it, and tonight one request ended up turning it into this:



Brian Sawyer has taken the DPD and used the content to create an Android app, which looks very cool. Brian is also looking for folks who own Android phones to help him beta test it, so if you're interested, click on the link to go to his blog and download the app.

I don't use cell phones, but I'm going to forward it to my college kid (he understands all this stuff, plus I gave him a Droid as his HS graduation gift.) Now I wonder if this will finally make me seem a little more hip than the Amish . . .

DPB II

No Friday 20 today, as I'm off to the knee doc to get x-rayed, poked, prodded and pay him money for the pleasure. But as promised:

The Devil's Publishing Dictionary Part II: N through Z

Non-fiction - anything written that is stranger than fiction.

Novelist - a writer who cannot bear to end their short stories.

Novelization - 1) a fictional work written to cash in on the popularity of a television series, movie, or video game; 2) what science fiction and mystery writers write when they can't get contracts for their own ideas; 3) collectibles disguised as books.

Out of Print - a title no longer maintained in the publisher's catalogue or inventory, the rights to which the publisher controls to prevent the author from making any more money for the work and to exploit in the future if the author should ever become famous writing something else.

Packager - 1) a white slaver and copyright pirate pretending to be an author broker; 2) a publicity firm that puts together a cute ethnic student at Harvard with a publisher too busy to catch her plagiarizing better authors.

Paperback Writer - 1) a writer of mass market fiction; 2) a shadowy figure with at least 486 pseudonyms who publishes a blog by the same name; 3) what happens when a bruised dreamer refuses to become a cynic.

Prequel - a book an author writes when the publisher wants more novels in a series that the author ended five years ago.

Print Run - the number of copies actually produced; about one-third of the number of copies the publisher tells the author will be in the print run.

Pub Date - 1) the scheduled release date for the book after it has been changed at least three times; 2) not the release date the author announces to the readers; 3) the date a reprint is released with new cover art to fool the casual buyer into believing it to be a new work.

Query - a ten-page single-spaced letter sent by a writer to an editor, in which the writer recounts their tragic life story, describes how much they've suffered for their craft, lists every award, pin and runner-up prize won from their writer organization, mentions the name of every famous author the writer has imagined meeting and hanging out with, and a odd rambling paragraph that might be a description of the writer's latest protagonist, ex-spouse, or critique partner, all which the writer refers to as a proposal or a pitch.

Remaindered - that over which an author either weeps or laughs, depending on whose name is on the cover.

Returns - copies of books not returned by the bookstores or wholesalers to the publisher but for which they get credit because they strip off the cover and claim they destroy them, the royalties for which are deducted from the author's advance, which has probably not been paid to the author yet (see Advance.)

Reviewer - 1) a person who truly believes that they are a gentle, intelligent and learned individual who is supporting the publishing industry by writing thoughtful opinions of books; 2) someone who maintains that all writing except their own is subject to the harshest amount of criticism possible; unless it's an author they're fangirling; 3) the highest evolved form of Archaeplastida, 4) anyone who can't understand why they keep buying an author's books because they all, all suck, but still does and takes the time to write a five-paragraph, one-star review, or who has a seven-year-old who can write better the author, or who suggests using books as substitutes for feminine menstrual hygiene products; 5) a yutz with a credit card and a hair up a southern orifice.

Royalties - percentage of the sales price earned by the author on sold copies prior to the application of reserves against returns by the publisher (see Earn Out.)

SASE - short for stamped self-addressed envelope, which the writer will likely to forget to include with all submitted articles, proposals and manuscripts

Self-published - produced by the author, ignored by the industry.

Sequel - a continuation of an earlier book that sold better than the publisher expected.

Small Press - 1) the publisher of authors who can't sell to major publishers; 2) the last stop for a multi-rejected proposal; 3) the last resort for a science fiction writer's version of The Book of Your Heart.

Subsidiary Rights (Sub Rights) - sales of rights for foreign translation, first serial, audio, electronic, film, book club, etc. editions of an author's book, for which the author will not get paid for some time (see Advance, Royalties.)

Trade Paperback - 1) a larger format paperback, commonly used by publishers to give an illusion of respectability to a novel that was not projected to sell well in hardcover; 2) the worst mistake Harlequin made with Luna.

Trade Publisher - publisher of books geared for sale to people who are too busy with work to read fiction.

Vanity Press - 1) a pay-to publisher that claims to be an author's best friend and business partner; 2) where authors go after being rejected by the last resort (see small press); 3) writer-dream vultures.

Writer - 1) a masochist with an ink and paper fetish; 2) a damaged creative individual who when confronted with life's unpleasantries retreats to put it all down in words rather than fight like a girl; 3) someone who never forgets anything and will eventually write it in book form; 4) a demented, thin, sad creature in hock up to their neck who truly believes publication will solve all their problems; 5) Peter Pan one step up on the evolutionary ladder.

The Devil Made Me Do It

The Devil's Publishing Dictionary Part I: A through M

Advance - a sum paid to the author's agent after contract signing, as soon as the editor puts in a payment request to accounting, which is misplaced for three weeks to three months, re-requested, routed to senior editor for approval, misplaced again or completely forgotten until agent's fourth inquiry. The author may or may not see 30% of the agreed-upon advance, less that 15% owed to the agent, within a year of signing, upon publication of the contracted work, or when the author starves to death while living under a bridge, whichever comes first.

Advance Reading Copies - prepublication edition of the book that is not for sale, generally used to generate income for reviewers who sell them on eBay; also known as ARCs.

Agent - that person an author pays 15% of their writing income. The agent in return lives in New York, makes many phone calls, eats lunch with editors, goes to industry conferences and keeps the author away from the editor.

Backlist - all of the author's books in print that are no longer in print.

Blurbs - ringing but patently false endorsements of a book by buddies of the author, the author herself coyly pretending to be another author by using a pseudonym, or carefully-edited segments of bad reviews. Also known as cover quotes.

Book Doctor - a quack hired by an author to take most of the author's money in return for poorly editing the author's manuscript.

Copy Editor - 1) an undercover, superior writer who pretends to correct grammar and spelling in a manuscript while actually teaching idiot authors how to write books; 2) someone who chews gum, wears fake tattoos, has a first name that ends in -y and is obsessed with using ellipses.

Copyright - the author's legal right to ownership of the work under federal copyright laws that protects the author's only means of income; said shaky laws should collapse at any moment.

Cover Art - the design of the book jacket, generally produced in-house by the publisher's art department, all of whom are near-sighted psychotics who never actually read the book and routinely forget to take their meds.

Earn Out - to sell enough copies to earn the advance against royalties before the publisher applies reserves against returns and zeroes out the royalties.

E-book (electronic book) - a book published in electronic format that will be illegally copied a thousand times and, no matter how well-written, will not get any respect whatsoever from most of the publishing industry.

Editor - 1) a sadomasochist; 2)) a kind but crazy person who makes a career out of working with authors to improve their manuscripts; listens to their lies, tantrums and crying fits; extends their deadlines; meets with them over mystery chicken entrees at industry cons and suffers countless bouts of depression, con crud and tinitus as a result; 3) an industry professional who drinks Maalox or Jack Daniels for lunch.

Fiction - 1) a story created by an author that is then lifted, rewritten and published by another author; 2) anything you hear when an author's lips are moving.

Galley - a bound or unbound edition of a book riddled with typesetter errors, missing characters, scenes and pages that the author begs not be sent out for publicity purposes before publication.

Genre - engaging fiction that sells well; anything a literary author spits on or an academic author calls vulgar.

Ghost Writer - 1) a writer or co-writer who is paid very little to write a book but not to take credit for it, and says nothing when the celebrity who does take credit accepts praise from critics and natters on about how difficult the book was to write, etc.; 2) a talented chump who needs money.

Instant Book - any book rushed into print whose publisher has been pleading with its very famous author for years to turn it in (see the works of Thomas Harris and Stephen King.)

Jacket - the paper cover on a book that depicts something that bears no resemblance to anything in the story.

List Position - where in the publisher's pecking order a title ranks; generally decided by celebrity status, youth and/or hair color of the author. A lead title typically will be written by a 26 year old blonde former Ms. Arkansas who has breast implants and lisps when she speaks, or Dr. Phil.

Managing Editor - editor in charge. Of what, we're just not sure.

Mass Market - a smaller, cheaper edition of a hardcover novel that represents the author's entry into publishing's ghetto (see Paperback Writer's 'Hood.)

Memoir - a personal reflection or account that, when read aloud, does not allow the author to pass a lie detector test.

Mid-list - a title or author that does not become a bestseller; an author who is dumped by a publisher and replaced by a 26 year old blonde former Ms. Arkansas who has breast implants and lisps when she speaks, or Dr. Phil.

(To be continued -- feel free to add your own entry for the dictionary in comments)