Friday 20

This right here, according to Blogger's calculations, is the 1000th post I've made on Paperback Writer. Kind of a generic landmark, as blogs go, but I still feel as if I should write something special. Something momentous. Something that is forever passed down from writer to writer as wisdom of the ages and so forth and so on.

So: How many SF writers does it take to change a light bulb?*

To be serious for a split sec, I would like to say how much I appreciate everyone who regularly visits, comments, lurks, and otherwise stops in here. Your comments and links and everything you contribute keep the blog rolling, and make it fun and interesting for me and everyone else. Thanks.

Okay, mushy part over. Floor's open for questions. Ask!

*See Jim Winter's blog comments here for the answer.

Three's a Charm

I usually don't post three times in one day, but I lost a bet, and here's how the evil winner is making me pay up...
----------------------------------------------
Date: 2006-06-13, 4:43PM EDT

Publishers Weekly, the international news magazine of book publishing and bookselling, seeks book reviewers with expertise in the following categories of fiction:

Historical Romance
Romantic Suspense
African-American Commercial Fiction
Street Lit
Chick Lit
Family sagas

Please send a short e-mail query that states qualifications and any relevant publications. Please paste your resume at the bottom of the message. The e-mail address is:

pwreviewers@reedbusiness.com

Do not attach anything. Messages with attachments will be deleted. Thank you.
-----------------------------------------------

By the way, please note that this was posted courteously and politely, without any smart-ass remarks from me like African-American what??? or excuse me, I have to go wash my blog out with soap now.
Thank you.

Loss

Jim Baen has passed away.

Bookmarks From Hell

Ten Things You Probably Shouldn't Put on Your Promo Bookmarks

1. Are you such a dumbass that you can't remember what page you were on? Buy my book, you won't be able to put it down!

2. Hey, you slob wannabe unpublished losers: get this novel and see how a real writer does it.

3. I mailed this to you. I now know where you live. Post a five-star glowing review of this amazing book on Amazon.com by midnight tomorrow night, or I'm coming over and kicking your ass.

4. If you don't buy this novel, I'll kill myself. I mean it. I have Tylenol and wine, and I'm not afraid to mix them.

5. Sure, buy my book. I only get forty-two cents out of it, but no big deal. Not like I can afford a decent cup of coffee with that, but like you care. So I can't quit my horrible day job, and get caught up on my alimony payments, not with this big forty-two freaking cents you're handing me here. Not your problem, though. Yep, I'm probably gonna lose my job, and not be able to find another one, and then try to make it as a full-time writer, and eat canned beans, and then starve when they run out, and die alone at my keyboard, and be buried in Potter's Field while my publisher makes millions off memorial reprints. But no, don't you worry about me. You, you've got pages to mark, right?

6. This bookmark has been treated with an invisible, untraceable deadly poison that enters your system through the skin. Want the antidote? It's printed somewhere in my book.

7. Totally Rare, Awesome, Collectible bookmark!!!! Limited edition, numbered, certificate of authenticity on back!!!! Nominated for the Bookmark Hall of Fame!!!! Voted Best Bookmark of 2006 by the National Society of Widget Makers!!!![Decorative imitation gold-plated bookmark wall holder available for separate purchase on my website.]

8. Want to know how hot my book is? Rub yourself with this bookmark. You know where. Come on, baby.

9. You have to help me. I'm trapped in a lousy contract and the only way they'll let me go is if I pay back the advance they gave me. Which I used to pay for my poor dying mother's bunion operation. So please, I'm begging you, please buy this book. Only you can set me free!

10. You're too stupid to understand my novel -- everyone is -- but buy it anyway. It'll impress your girlfriend way more than you do.

No RIPping

"I can completely understand, however, the mentality of an author who thinks, `Well, I'm gonna kill them off because that means there can be no non-author-written sequels. So it will end with me, and after I'm dead and gone they won't be able to bring back the character'." -- J.K. Rowling talking about killing off characters from an interview about the final Harry Potter novel.

Writers are definitely territorial about their work, some to the point of being unable to even collaborate with another writer. Whether it's overinflation of the ego or simply protecting the mojo, it's part of our nature to hang on to what's ours. Unfortunately, we can't take our work with us when we go, or most of us probably would.

I'm luckier than J.K., in that I don't have to worry about pissing off most of the civilized world with what I do with my characters. I seriously doubt any of my work will be profitable for long after I'm gone. Still, after observing just how much publishing and readers respect an author's wishes, I did take the precaution of destroying everything I didn't want published posthumously. You guys will just have to live without ever reading my sixth-grade rewrite of Romeo and Juliet.

That doesn't completely solve my problem. I have a hefty inventory of as-yet-unpublished novels, along with outlines and partials on more than thirty books yet to be written. Throw in 25+ years of hard copies and 10+ years of electronic copies of my notes, ideas, mind maps, novel notebooks, series journals and other secret writer junk that if decrypted, will reveal a stunning secret that will rock the foundations of modern religion I'd rather not have raided and pillaged by one or more yoyos who can't think up their own ideas.

I really don't want to take it with me, and I certainly do want my estate to benefit those who had better not squander it or I'll come back and haunt their asses big time. But there's a lot that I don't want grubbed through, artfully interpreted, or taken in the wrong direction, and I'm not going to apologize for that. I know I shouldn't worry, but then I think of all the lousy knockoffs and clumsy continuances and ghastly homages I've seen done and that place under my right eye starts twitching.

Do I save it all and hope my daughter picks writing over being a vet? Do I start shredding again? I don't know what the hell to do. Maybe I'll bury it all somewhere, along with my hoard of gold and jewels, and leave a cryptic poem or a map. Make whoever might want it work for it, at least.

What are you guys planning to do or are doing with work you don't want published, swiped or artfully interpreted after you buy the farm?

1-800-CONSENT

"I want to make love," Jack said, his voice quiet and thoughtful. He rested his hands on Diane's shoulders. "Okay?"

Diane nodded and rested her cheek against his chest. Or tried to, but Jack removed his hands and took a step back, breaking all physical contact with her. "What's wrong, darling?"

"I'm not sure about the nod," he admitted. "I need backup." He went to the phone and dialed 1-800-CONSENT. "Hi, Crisis Line? Yeah, sorry to call so late, but I'm in trouble. I told her I wanted to make love, asked her if that was okay, and she nodded." He listened for a moment. "Yes, we're married and in our bedroom. Lights are still on. She's not restrained, intoxicated, drugged, on the rebound from a bad previous marriage or screaming for her mother. Neither am I." He listened again. "I saw her head move. Immediately after I asked. Clearly a nod, not a shake."

Diane hugged herself with her arms as she admired the manly way Jack held the phone and listened so attentively to the crisis counselor. Just when she thought she knew her husband, he surprised her with another demonstration of his sensitivity to her feminine delicacy.

He glanced at her and covered the mouthpiece of the receiver with his hand. "Honey, the counselor wants to know if by nodding that you meant a) that you agree to make love with me, or b) that you know that I want to make love to you but are not consenting to any such intimacy, or c) that you want some Haagen-Dazs and I should sleep on the couch?"

Confused by the choices, she thought for a moment. "I meant A."

"A," Jack said into the phone. "Thanks, appreciate it. Yes, I plan to use a condom. Terrific. You, too." He hung up the phone and gave Diane a brilliant smile. "Sorry. I just had to be sure."

Overcome by his tenderness and concern, Diane rushed into his open arms and snuggled against him. "God, Jack, you're so wonderful."

"So are you." He hugged her close. "I'm going to kiss you and unbutton your blouse now. Okay?"

"Mmmmmm." Diane found herself at arm's length again. "What?"

"Hold on." Jack picked up the phone and dialed quickly. "Hi, it's me again, guy with the nodding wife. What's your stand on Mmmmmmm as a response? Does that mean Yes? No? Maybe?" He listened. "No, I'm not rubbing her feet or feeding her chocolate, and there aren't any Russell Crowe movies playing on the TV."

"I meant yes," Diane said, but Jack only gave her a be-quiet wave of his hand.

"Got it. How many times again?" He frowned. "Sure, if that's the way to do it. You're a doll. Thanks again. Bye." He hung up the phone and looked at Diane. "Honey, the crisis counselor says that you need to lay off the body language and making the sexy sounds and give me some definite verbal cues here. I also have to ask you at least ten more times if you want to make love before we get, you know, consensual. In case you change your mind and want to go fold laundry instead. Okay?"

Diane could not believe how lucky she was to have married Jack. He had to be the kindest, gentlest, sweetest, most considerate man on earth. "Of course."

"That's not definite enough," he told her. "I need a yes or no."

"Yes."

"Great. Let's try this again." Jack took her into his arms. "I'm gonna kiss you, and unbutton your blouse. Okay?"

Diane smiled up at him. "Yes."

Jack bent his head to hers, but then jerked it back. "Yes to both, or only one?"

[This community service post is brought to you by 1-800-CONSENT, the non-profit romantic crisis intervention service. 1-800-CONSENT is dedicated to supporting the right of all women to say yes, no, maybe, okay, later, I dunno, now? can we talk about this later for Heaven's sake and Mmmmm while meaning something completely different. Remember our motto, gentlemen: If you're not sure, that's what we're here for.]

Talk Ten

Ten Things About Writing Dialogue

1. Learn from a master by reading and trying the exercises from Holly Lisle's Dialogue Workshop.

2. 1ConfusedWriter's blog post, Eight Things I've Learned About Writing Dialogue.

3. If you're interested in dialogue software, the demo for Great Dialogue makes it look like a fairly helpful tutorial-style program (would be nicer if there was a free lite version or a demo download, but the program isn't all that expensive.)

4. Romance Writing Tips Group offers the article "Let’s Talk About Dialogue," He Pontificated.

5. Looking for something wise someone else said for your character to quote? Try Feath MacKirin's Quote Generator.

6. Robert J. Sawyer gabs on gabbing in his article Speaking of Dialogue.

7. One of my friends uses Tinderbox to arrange his scenes and dialogue; the home site offers a free demo download.

8. Writer Trick #4 from my old weblog discusses how to use dialogue as well as action to convey emotion versus -ly adverb tags.

9. Author Peder Hill makes some good points at his Writing Effective Dialogue page.

10. Another interesting article with two excellent examples of as-you-know-Bobisms, Writing Good Dialogue by Greg Garrett.

Storm Warnings

Ten Signs That Your Personal Problems
Are Taking Over Your Novel

1. Anyone in the novel who lies to, cheats on, divorces, or is prettier/skinnier/more popular than your protagonist dies a horrific and pointless death.

2. Best friends of your protagonist are limited to: a) an affectionate and beautiful dog with a funny name, b) an affectionate and quirky cat with a dignified name, or c) a short fat frumpy unemployed gopher friend of the same gender with a stupid nickname whose dialogue is limited to variations of They should never have messed with you, Wow, you look amazing, or Gosh darn it! Why can't I be as smart as you are?

3. Courageously your protagonist struggles to hide and control a terrifying secret or secret superpower that, if unleashed, will kill every living member of the opposite gender on the planet.

4. Every character in the novel wants to have sex with your protagonist, and/or tries to have sex with your protagonist.

4a. Female protagonist: Same as #4, but no one succeeds.

4b. Female protagonist in an LKH knockoff: Same as #4, but everyone succeeds.

5. No character in the story can begin to fathom the depth of your protagonist's inner pain. Ever ever ever.

6. The only comfort your protagonist finds is by going through enormous, painful effort and nearly dying six or seven times in order to save the world. This enables the rest of humanity to escape the shadow of evil and live happy, productive, completely oblivious lives. The ingrates.

7. There are no couples with successful, long-term relationships in the story. Any secondary relationships in the novel are brief and end badly. Any two characters who stand close to each other for longer than five minutes bicker nonstop.

8. You dedicate the book to your ex, who bears a striking resemblance to the slime-oozing, black-hearted antagonist who suffers enormously before dying a violent but well-deserved death in the end. You never actually give your ex a copy of the book.

9. Your parents don't want to read the book, but you throw a tantrum until they do. When they have, you flatly refuse to discuss the story.

10. Your protagonist is an identical twin version of you, minus the trifling little physical imperfections, but wealthier, stronger, and way more respected. Your protagonist also drives the cool car that Dad wouldn't buy you when you were in high school.

Plot Habits

Very famous writers firmly believe in plotting out a novel. Other very famous writers don't. Both types have made, are making, and will make piles of money from their books. Thus the debate on To Plot or Not to Plot will rage on forever.

Plotting is one of my favorite things to do. I believe in it, I do it all the time, and it works for me. However, if you think plotting is unnecessary (or stupid, or pedestrian, or inartistic, etc. etc.), or if you worship writers who don't do it and resent the ones who do, or the thought of plotting your own novel makes you break out in hives, you should stop reading this post right now.

Yesterday Shiloh posed an interesting dilemma about plotting in comments here; specifically: any suggestions on how to actually get more into the habit of plotting something out?. I responded with some examples of plot-timeline and plot-summaryline methods I've used to teach writing students, but I really didn't answer her to my own satisfaction, and mulled over the question for a couple of hours.

This is what I ended up with: It's not how you plot as much as it's that you get into the habit of thinking about plot from the start of the novel concept. Doing that trains you to think in story versus detail.

Using the same premise I did in my response to Shiloh yesterday, let's say I have a wonderful idea for a character named John. He's a cop. He's also half-demon. But I'm going to forget about plot and concentrate on the details. John's cool. John has possibilities. For me, it's all about John.

(Several days later) Okay, so I've got John all figured out. What he looks like, how he talks, the clothes he wears, what sort of demonic powers he has, the type of ice cream he likes, his shoe size, etc. He's all dressed up and pretty and ready to make a novel with me. Now what do I do with him? What to do. What to do. I know, I could have him meet a nice human girl who doesn't know he's half-demon. Someone wants to kill them. They have to help each other. And then . . . what to do. What to do. (I've got to do something; I just don't want to think about plot yet. I'm too focused on remembering John's favorite ice cream and shoe size.)

Now, take the same wonderful idea for a character named John but let's limit the amount of detail via constructive character-building. Remember those three questions I keep harping on:

Who is John? He's a cop. He's also a half-demon.
What does John want? To be a good cop and live a normal human life.
What's the worst thing I can do to John? Make him use his demon side to be a good cop, and ruin his chances for a normal human life.

Those are all the details I need to know about John right now; it's time to make story.

I build my story around John and the answers to those three questions. John meets a nice human girl named Marcia at a Halloween party. She'd like to find a decent guy, settle down and live happily ever after. Only during the party she gets stuck with a stolen, cursed diamond and the thief who wants it back is sending demons from Hell after her.

Thinking through this scenario versus many tiny details allows me to sketch out the story in my head. It's progressive and the story is growing as I think about it, but my head's not cluttered up with details so I can still see the story.

Let's keep going: John saves Marcia's life and she's initially grateful; he's a decent guy and a cop -- the kind of guy she could fall head over heels for. But: Marcia discovers that John has a strange tattoo on his chest. And superhuman strength. And his eyes glow red in the dark. John is presently freaking out Marcia, but she doesn't have time to have hysterics, because now the thief is trying to kill both of them. (Note here: I'm still plotting, but John is also developing as a character via details from Marcia's POV. I've limited John's strangeness to three big things versus a thousand little things.)

Plotting from this point goes in all sorts of directions, as there are questions I have to answer, i.e.: How does the thief try to kill them? What sort of demons from hell are we talking about here? What's the deal with this cursed diamond? How does Marcia confront John about his oddities? How does John protect Marcia? Does he suspect that she stole the diamond? I need to work out these answers before I plot any further, but as with John's character I'm going to keep the answers simple so that again I don't get bogged down with a lot of detail. Just the facts, ma'am.

When you think in story versus detail, you're putting together a collage of ideas. Too much detail clutters the collage; it breeds and it obscures things and it ends up confusing you. Less is not only more, it's vital to get the novel sketched out in your head. You can always add more detail to the collage later; too much gets in your way and suffocates the story before it gets rolling.

I'm not sure I'm explaining it as well as I can, though, so does this help, or am I just confusing the issue more?

Friday 20

Eva Longoria is writing a romance (aka raunchy) novel. Pete Doherty, whenever he's out on bail next, is publishing a rock-n-roll tell-all. Hell, even Pam got a book deal. It's all about scandal: sex, drugs, and sleeping with Kate Moss obviously make fine literary topics.

Problem is, how do you successfully make the leap from media magnet celebrity to bestselling author? Aren't there things like actual books involved? What if the only thing you've ever written was your name at the bottom of the check at The Ivy?

Never fear, PBW is here.

Ten Tips for New Celebrity Authors

1. Find out what a book is. A book is like a script or sheet music, only a whole lot longer. There's a picture on the front cover, it's single-spaced and there are some really big words in it. There are no camera directions or musical notes. Your reader will recognize some dialogue, but it's mixed up with paragraphs of things called action and exposition and setting. Books are things that smart but unattractive people read instead of going to the movies or watching television.

2. Learn how to read. You may have to read some of your book out loud at your public appearances. This is called a "reading" and they don't let someone else do it for you. I know it's a pain, but remember what happened to Milli Vanilli -- you don't want to get caught lip-synching at your first "reading" with your own book upside-down in your hands, right?

3. Go to bookstores. This is the place where they're going to be selling your book. It's a store filled with other books. No, yours can't be the only book they sell, but it will be placed in the very front on the nicest shelves where everyone who walks in can see it.

4. Practice signing your book. There are no cocktail napkins or 8 X 10 glossies at booksignings; you have to sign the actual product. Not on the front cover, either; that messes up the pretty picture on it. Open the book and go to the title page. That's the one that has "by (your name)" on it. Sign right under your name.

5. Know your new literary agent. This is the person who gets you those seven-figure book deals. Like Broadway actors, literary agents all hang out in New York. They're very nice people, but they probably won't bail you out of the drunk tank or admit you to detox; remember to call your Hollywood agent for those things.

6. Don't angst over size. In the book industry, it's who writes the best story, not how large and perky the book looks. Just because Hilary Clinton's book has more pages and more big words in it doesn't mean that it's better than yours.

7. Don't get hysterical over your cover art. Cover art is the pretty picture on the front of your book. Armani doesn't do them and you can't fly to Paris and buy something better. It's true that Jackie Collins got that nifty leopardskin on hers, but I bet they'll emboss and glitterize your title font to make yours even prettier.

8. Thank your ghost writer. This is a real writer whom some underling at your publisher pays a tiny amount of money to write your book for you. You don't have to meet, but it's nice to say thank you to this person. Or just have your literary agent take care of it for you.

9. Don't get upset if your book isn't nominated for the National Book Award. Of course Stephen King got one, and he's been in tons of movies, but that was sort of a one-time-only fluke. If it makes you feel better, the only authors who usually win the NBA are poor people who can't make a living writing books. Which is definitely NOT YOU, babe.

10. Write your next book. Sure, publishing is dreary, and your publisher is run by a lot of women with damp hands, severe cellulite problems and horrible wardrobes, but is there any easier way to make seven figures? Exactly. Get that ghost writer moving.

As for the rest of you, any questions for me this week?

Writerisms

Ten Things Writers Say, and What They Really Mean

1. All I want to do is go to BEA for the experience.

All I want to do is go to BEA, meet Dan Brown, seduce him while I'm ovulating, have his love child and collect a big honking support check every month.

2. Don't come in here. I'm trying to concentrate.

Don't come in here, I'm writing a sex scene.

3. Excuse me, but I see my agent and I need to talk to him.

Excuse me, but your cologne is making my eyes swell shut and I need to get away from you right now.

4. I hope Ms. New Young Promising Thang does well with her debut novel; it sounds so interesting and she's such a nice girl.

I'm going to burn in hell for all the lies I tell.

5. I have just signed a new one-book contract.

Hello, I need a day job.

6. I'm happy to see that [name of big important trade rag] took the time to review my novel.

I'm happy to see that lousy writers with the IQs of root vegetables are finally getting paying work now.

7. I think your new cover art is very colorful.

Get that freaking thing away from me before it lacerates my corneas.

8. Publishing is a wonderful industry where you can work with terrific people and learn so much about the craft of writing.

I'm so much nicer since I've been taking Prozac, don't you think?

9. Writing is the best job I've ever had.

Working the fry machine at McDonald's is starting to look good.

10. Your constructive comments are truly appreciated.

Oh, blow me.

Best Write

Someone (you know who you are) asked me to have a look at this proposal to bombard a SF mag editor with submissions from women on a single day. It sounds unprofessional and I wouldn't do it, but that's me. In all things publishing, do what you think is best for you.

What is best, anyway? Go to all the cons, do a hundred signings, buy these widgets, put an ad in this rag, charm this editor, get that reviewer to write you up, have a book video made, buy this sort of web site, get in with the right sort of group blog, do this kind of mailout, podcast an interview, buy your book in bulk at the right stores, hand out ARCs like cigars, generate as much buzz as you can and at the end of the publishing day you may be a huge bestseller, or you may utterly fail, or you may fall somewhere in between those extremes. Probably the third.

There are no guarantees. There are no proven shortcuts. There is no secret handshake.

I think everyone who is comfortable with the idea of self-promotion should try some of it to find out what they're good at and what they like doing. There is a lot you can do for free (blogs, signings) or at very low cost (web site, book giveaways.) As long as you don't get into financial trouble and it doesn't interfere with the work, give something a whirl. That something might work nicely for you.

But if you find that you don't like any of it, or it doesn't work for you, or you can't afford it, and you decide to stay home and simply write, that's okay. You're not a failure, and you're not cheating yourself of success. Publishers will not hate you because you're not out killing yourself to sell. I speak from experience.

So the next time someone is yelling at you that you need to do this or you have to do that, remember that all writers do not sell, promote, publicize or package. We are not all guest speakers, book signers or workshop teachers. We are not all buzz generators or hype-junkies.

The only thing all writers do is write. That's the entire job description. Everything else is optional.

Interview

While it often seems as if the industry would like us all to become hype-driven promosluts, there are still writers out there who are juggling real life with the writing life and keeping it all in perspective. One of the best at this balancing act is Shannon Stacey.

I've never met Shannon, but after a year and a half of reading her blog I feel as if I have. She writes with a balance of wry practicality and wicked humor that keep me coming back to see what's up with her. Somehow she's able to make candid observations about the biz without being malicious -- something we could all work on -- but she's not into bragging, name-dropping or working her titles into every other sentence.

All of the above is why I bullied Shannon into an interview (note how I corner her about her latest release and make her talk about it):

Q: Shannon, I'm bored and I have nothing fun to read, but I really liked the excerpt from your new novel, 72 Hours. Make me spend money by telling me more about it.

Shan: It's fast-paced and action-packed—without a word count requirement, I was able to focus on the high points of emotion and adrenaline without padding. Usually, after all the drafts and edits are over, I don't reread my own books, but I reread this one. And my son was five minutes late to his last day of school.

Q: If DisneyWorld was going to make your new novel into a theme attraction, what kind of ride would it be?

Shan: A cross between a roller-coaster and Duck Hunt (remember that damn snickering dog?). As you scream your way through the coaster ride, you have to shoot the targets that pop out at you. The original prototype called for riders to check their children in at the gate, and you could only get them back by hitting enough targets. Park officials quickly began to suspect parents were purposely aiming high, however, leaving an excess of children in the lost and found. So in order to achieve the right amount of desperation, losers will be duct-taped to the "It's a Small World" boat ride and forced to gnaw their way free in a race against insanity.

Q: On a daily basis you juggle a busy home life, marriage, kids and a writing career. How do you manage all that without a maid, a governess, a personal assistant and lots of valium?

Shan: Several large iced coffees from Dunkin Donuts per day and VIP status at the video store helps. But the real answer is "not as well as I'd like". My house isn't as clean as it should be. I'm not as page-productive as I'd like to be. I'm also "office manager" for my husband's business, and the filing isn't as caught up as I'd like it to be. Fortunately, my kids are pretty self-sufficient and would both rather read or play than spend time with their mother. For me, the key to being able to write at all is that I don't have to have a block of time set aside. I can get up in the middle of a sentence, make lunch and read a story, then come back and finish a paragraph. Then I'll get up, settle an argument and find the DVD remote, then get another sentence and then make more lemonade before finishing a page. If I had to have quiet to keep my train of thought, I'd be toast.

Q: Let's say "72 Hours" will be made into a movie, and you're hired as a casting director. Which stars do you hire to play your hero and heroine, and why?

Shan: I actually have a behind-the-scenes page for each of my books, and in my head, Jennifer Esposito plays Grace Nolan. The photos from the set of "Don't Say a Word" really captured the character for me. I have a picture of Oded Fehr as Alex Rossi, but it's more about the mood/personality of the character. For some reason I can picture real actresses as my heroines, but find it much more difficult with my heroes.

Q: Your weblog is very down-to-earth, in that I never feel as if you're shaking promotional pom poms in my face whenever I read it. Do you deliberately write your blog that way, to get in touch with your readers, or is Shannon the Blogger the same as Shannon the Real Life Person? How has blogging helped you as a writer, and as an author?

ShanShan: Shannon the Blogger is the real Shannon, but only if I know you well. I'm very, very shy in a social situations, so if you saw me at a conference I'd be the hyperventilating person hiding in the corner wishing somebody would talk to me, but hoping they wouldn't because then I'd have to be interesting. But if you're a friend of mine, sitting on my front porch nursing iced coffees—that's Shannon the Blogger. Comfortable Shannon.

I wouldn't say the tone is deliberate. The only deliberate thing about my blog is my avoidance of most things political and religious. As a reader of blogs, it's a huge turn-off, so I don't do it. I also very rarely plan or draft my entries ahead of time—what you get is pretty much whatever's running through my head at the time. Plus, promo is very difficult for me. It goes against my nature to promote myself, and that extends to my books. But my blog allows me to have the information there without pushing it on people, and I can discuss my releases as casually as I would with a friend on my front porch.

Obviously, blogging allows me an avenue for networking and promotion, but the biggest benefit for me is touching base with Shannon the Writer every morning. No matter what else I run around doing during the day, the muse and I have said good morning, and that stays with me, helping to keep the subconscious working even while I'm handling business calls and cutting crusts off of sandwiches.

Q: You've just won a week-long, all-expense-paid writing retreat trip. Where would you go, and which writers would you invite to come with you?

Shan: Besides my dear writer friends who suffer my neuroses and the worst drafts of blurbs ever written, I would invite Stephen King (he inspires me) and JR Ward (to lock her in a room until she put me on her ARC list) and Dave Barry (I'd love to pick his brilliant comedic brain). And we'd go to the Stanley Hotel in Colorado (the inspiration for "The Shining"). What would be more fun than being in a haunted hotel with Stephen King and Dave Barry? (Plus JR would cough up the ARCs more quickly if her furniture keeps rearranging itself.) I'm sure at some point we'd write.

Q: We're going to open a time portal to June 2016, and look at what Future Shannon is up to. Tell us what you'll think we'll see.

Shan: Genetics says my butt will be bigger, but since I'll be standing in a dark corner at any conferences, maybe nobody will notice. My sons will be finishing up high school freshman and college junior years, so they might be cutting the crusts off their own sandwiches. Hopefully, you'll see the same Shannon—writing, putzing around the house, camping with the family. But I'd be lying if said I wasn't hoping you'll see my name on a bestsellers list or two.

Take Ten

Ten Things Free for the Taking

Freeware caution: always scan free downloads of anything for bugs and other threats before dumping the programs into your hard drive.

1. Use Angel Writer to create and edit text documents with graphics, tables, etc.

2. Need a decent insult but coming up empty? Generate one or more with AutoInsult.

3. Organize your book, music and movie collections with Robert Jan van der Waals' DataCrow.

4. Elfima can create PDF, HTML, XML, and SVG documents, and allows you to reimport and modify your PDF documents.

5. Need fast access to your frequently-used folders? Give Folder Guide a whirl.

6. Collaborators and co-authors might find Tom Dobrowolski's MoonEdit program helpful.

7. Paint Chips gives you the ability to generate and compare small swatches of color -- useful for web site design as well as colorizing any novel setting (if you'd rather not download, use the online version here.)

8. Print your own envelopes fast and hassle-free with Quick Envelopes.

9. Eric Nitzsche's Scrapbook text database program could become your new story idea repository.

10. Word Morph helps you coin your own strange and abstract words.

What's in a Name?

Here's a writing exercise/game I've played with writing students that can help prod the imagination and sharpen your characterization skills, as well as give you a little insight into your own assumptions.

Go to a random name generator site, like Kleimo's, and generate a short list of names. At Kleimo, you can pick males, females, or a mix of both, as well as an obscurity factor of 1 (most common) to 99 (completely obscure.) Here's one, a mix with an obscurity factor of 20:

Earnestine Trower
Clayton Gamet
Katy Raggs
Mathew Nakasone
Nannie Schrum

Step 1: Write a line or two of story for each name. This can be a bit of dialogue, physical description, occupation, current life situation, or whatever the name itself suggests to you about the person who owns it. Just write down the first thing you think up:

Earnestine Trower kept her sensible shoes tightly laced, her white starched blouses buttoned up to her chin, and her hair so lacquered that it doubled as a safety helmet.

I suspected Clayton Gamet had been carousing out in our pasture at midnight again. Boy never seemed to sleep. But why had he spray-painted them red hearts on Pa's cows?

"Don't you love it?" Taylor spun around in a froth of pink tulle and black satin. "I bought it at Katy Raggs' boutique. Who'd have thought that dull little mouse could design something like this?"

I knew Mathew Nakasone was carrying at least five weapons and as many fake passports, but did I want to arrest him in the middle of his sister's wedding, or wait until he tried to slip out during the reception?

"Mummy, must we have Nannie Schrum to sit with us? She drinks all of Daddy's gin and then puts on his stripey pants and your hoop earrings and makes us sing pirate songs."

Step 2: Look over your name/story associations and see if you can recognize what made you make that particular association:

Earnestine sounds old-fashioned and unattractive, the combo of which makes me think uptight, rigid, controlled.

Every Clay I've ever known was a carouser and a fool for love.

Raggs to riches as well as rags in the expensive, useless objects that feed the vanity sense of the word; I don't like it when people call my daughter Katy.

Mathew's name triggered a strong image of a lean, dark, felonious multiracial cat burglar.

Nannie Schrum made me think of a bargain basement Mary Poppins and the -rum part of the name kicked in the alcoholic image.

Step 3: Now that you have a fair idea of the assumptions you make based on a name, take the same names, flip the character you created in the first step 360 degrees, and write another line or two of story:

You wouldn't know by looking at Earnestine Trower's bountiful, beautiful rack that she also came with a nice-size pool cue.

My Aunt Ruth claimed Old Man Gamet's Christian name was Clayton, but we kids were convinced that the nasty geezer had been born long before Christ, or maybe had even killed him.

The smallest cardboard box in Bender Alley belonged to Katy Raggs, judging by the three shopping carts of old clothes parked outside it.

"Cardinal Mathew Nakasone," I read from the candidate list. "Japanese-American, born in an internment camp, parents killed there, adopted and raised by Jesuits. Now he might make an interesting Pope."

"Come in, my pretty darlings," the elderly woman crooned as she beckoned from the door of the gingerbread house. "Old Nannie Schrum loves children to visit!"

Friday 20 (The Saturday Version)

Chick-lit authors are getting out of the bookstore and into serious retail signing space according to USA Today's Carol Memmott. It makes sense, too -- if you're going to write novels about the trials and tribulations of fashionable young women, go and sell them where the real ones shop.

Makes me wonder where the rest of us could go to hype ourselves on the unsuspecting shopper.

Romance: Get the girls while they're out shopping for the ingredients for a fabulous candlelight dinner at the grocery store. Set up a signing table right next to the rotisserie chicken bin, or maybe in front of the filet mignon section in the beef department. Men are more direct and practical about romance, so to grab their interest we should probably do a signing next to the prophylactic rack in the back of the local pharmacy.

Science Fiction: Circuit City's gadget counter would work. So would that aisle in the drugstore where they have the For Men only hair dye, that stuff you spray on a bald spot to make it look hairy, or the all-natural herbal alternatives to Viagra.

Mystery: Do all your signings at a gun shop, pawn shop, bail bondsman's office, jury duty waiting room, or in Scotland.

Westerns: Schedule your next signing at any redneck bar in Alabama, but only on the nights when ladies don't drink free and the mechanical bull is out of order (for speedy sales, tell the patrons that the books are actually props from the set of The Dukes of Hazzard, and Daisy Duke handled them.)

Erotica: Will sell like hotcakes on a Sunday at any fundamentalist church. Set up your table to intercept people on their way into services. Post a sign on the table that reads, See What They're Putting In The School Libraries?

Horror: Same as erotica, except change the sign on the table to read The New Series Based on The Book of Revelations and assure everyone who approaches the table that yes, we are living in The End Times.

Vampire Fiction: Bloodmobiles and blood banks. The patrons are already predisposed to like have the blood sucked out of their veins, right?

I'm sorry I missed any questions you had planned to ask yesterday -- got anything you've been hanging on to for today?

Updates

I had to go out of town today on very short notice and have just returned home, so I'll hold the usual Friday Q&A tomorrow.

Steven Barnes reported that Baen Books publisher and editor Jim Baen has suffered a stroke and is hospitalized in serious condition. Prayers, hope and good thoughts are greatly needed now. Please send yours his way.

For those of you who preordered, ordered online or made the trip to the store this past week, my novel Dark Need is now a USA Today bestseller, #24 on Barnes & Nobles' mass market fiction list and #4 on their mass market romance list. Thank you for making that possible.

Got Game?

To cheer up a friend, I invented a game called Amazon.com Review Poker. It worked so well that he asked me to blog about it, so if you're interested in a completely corrupt and thoroughly enjoyable game, here's how you play:

Two player game: each player goes to their or another author's book sale page at Amazon.com with at least 26 or more reviews. The reviews are the cards. Print them out, cut them up into slips, shuffle them, and place them face-down on your desk. The other player does the same with his reviews. Draw five reviews and start to play.

To determine the suit of each card:

1 star = Clubs
2 stars = Spades
3 stars = Diamonds
4 stars = Hearts
5 stars (or if you want a fast game, any review by Harriet Klausner) = Wildcard

To determine the rank number of your card, count the number of misspelled words in the review. If there are no misspelled words, then the review is a royal, as follows:

Jack = review 1 paragraph in length, or with no paragraph breaks
Queen = 2 paragraphs in length
King = 3 paragraphs in length
Ace = 4 or more paragraphs in length

The hands are the same as classic poker:

Straight flush (five cards of the same suit and sequence, Ace low or high)
Fours (four cards of the same rank, as J-J-J-J-2)
Full house (three of one rank and two of another, as K-K-K-6-6)
Flush (five cards of the same suit but not in sequence, as Q-10-7-5-2)
Straight (five cards in sequence but not of the same suit, as 9-8-7-6-5)
Three of a kind (three of the same rank plus two of two different ranks, as 4-4-4-3-9)
Two pair (as K-K-5-5-10)
One pair (as 2-2-J-4-9)

We play via e-mail, but you can do this in person, and with a larger group of players, too (in which case, put all the cards together to make a full deck as in traditional poker.) To make it fun (and keep it fair), you should not read the reviews or figure out in advance the rank/suit of your cards. As for stakes, I suggest page wagers (number of manuscript or galley pages to be proof-read by the loser.)

EnTitled

This was just too good not to post immediately.

If you'd like to be a Laird or a Lady of the Highlands, here's your chance: buy a square foot of Scotland.

A Tale of Two Writers

It is the best of times, it is the worst of times,
it is the age of Dispatches from Tanganyika, it is the age of the Squawk Radio,
it is the epoch of the National Book Award, it is the epoch of the RITA Award,
it is the season of the artfully written press release, it is the season of 404 Page Not Found,
it is the spring of Jamie, it is the winter of Ann,
we writers have everything before us, we have nothing before us,
we are all going direct to the Bestseller List, we are all going direct to the Remainder Table--
in short, the present period is so far like the past period, that some of its noisiest authorities insist on the numbers being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison to last year's numbers only, so that the chains might order to the net...

(skipping all the boring parts)

...There is a guard of righteous sundry (but not disgruntled) critics riding abreast of the Lifestyle Sunday supplement book review page, and faces are often turned up to some of their blogs, and they are asked some question. It would seem to be always the same question, for, it is always followed by a press of people to feast with relish upon clever disgust for the author's oft-slammed book.

The critics abreast of that release, frequently link to the author of it. The leading curiosity is, to know all the dirt on that damned idiot who wrote the awful piece of crap; yet the author blogs without mention of it, pausing to converse with a mere unpubbed writer who comments on his blog regularly about the biz. He has no curiosity or care for those eager to savage his book or bite off his head, but always speaks to the girl. Here and there in the endless electronic web of the internet cries of cowardice are raised against him. If they move him at all, it is only to a quiet smile. He cannot easily comment, his hands being tied by his publisher, who is busy promoting the possibly faux past of a fourteen-year-old multiracial trisexual SlimFast and Lunesta addict who just reported on Oprah that she is sure she is pregnant by her sixty-year-old lover who has herpes, you know, the bad kind.

At the front of the very unhappy spectatorship stands the ARC seller. He did not review the author's book -- he never reads ARCs -- but doctored his earnest hatchet job from one written earlier by another while he went off to auction that which is not for resale. He looks for the author in comments to one hatchet-job: not there. He looks at another: not there. He already asks himself, "Has he gone and deleted his blog?" when his conscience clears, as he looks at the author's blog and finds said fool there exchanging ideas with the mere girl.

"Yo, Moneybags," IMs the ARC seller's friend, Anon. Anon is an avid blogger who maintains three anonymous blogs, writing as a literary agent, a novel editor, and a paperback-reading housewife named Norma who daily wrestles with shingles, chronic fatigue syndrome, and romance novels written by women named Emma, the latter of which s/he believes are all penned by one fat, balding ghostwriter in Topeka named Chuck. "Where is Everywriter?"

"On his blog, talking to some unpubbed wannabe."

Anon types in the unhappy face, and "Are they talking about creative, artistic nonsense?"

"Yes."

Anon rushes over to the author's blog and immediately posts this comment: "Down, Everywriter! To the hatchet all who publish! Down, Everywriter! I say your book stinks! My friend, the ARC seller, says it stinks! That skank girlfriend of yours probably stinks, too!"

"Hush, hush!" the ARC seller IMs him, timidly.

"And why should I, citizen?" Anon wants to know. "I'm entitled to my opinion. So are you."

"He doesn't know I got $400 for his last book on eBay. Let him be at peace."

Anon takes one of his favorite things, offense. "Shut up or I'll write a hatchet job on you, you mercenary little bastard."

(skipping more boring parts)

They said of the author, about the night he quit publishing, that his was the peacefullest blog entry ever beheld. Many later belligerently added that he sounded a little sublime and prophetic in his post out of desperate self-defense, nothing more, because the weakling couldn't take any criticism, ya know, and what a pity it was that he could not write books as well as that blog entry, because his last book REALLY SUCKED (but noted that, if offered a muchly-deserved book deal, they personally and surely would not.)

Everywriter quietly exited this life of publishing without a word or a bit of fanfare, for while everyone was having fun at his expense he had invested his advance in biotech stock and earned enough money to pay off all his debts and put aside a nice little nest egg for retirement. He then secured a pleasant day job that had absolutely nothing to do with publishing, and lived under his real name, which no one knew. He met, fell in love with and eventually married the unpubbed writer, and together with her lived in unharassed bliss, during which they wrote only for each other and then burned the manuscripts, just to be safe.

(Available for purchase soon on Amazon.com: the Everywriter Goes Postal at BEA alternative ending!)