What Writers Say, and What it Really Means
1. "I'm so honored -- and humbled -- by this Big Award nomination."
Well it's about freaking time I got something for the five hundred bucks I've spent this year on contest entry fees.
2. "I don't understand what the big deal is about that writer's novel. I read it four times and it wasn't so great."
I read it nineteen times and ground my teeth so much I need all new molar caps.
3. "My editor is a doll."
Voodoo, right here, in my desk. Want a pin?
4. "I'm considering a number of important offers."
I'm out of contracts, my agent won't return my calls and I can't afford to refill the Prozac.
5. "I work for one of the most respected publishers in the business."
If you say Who? one more time I'm going to punch you.
6. "Deadlines are not as important as the quality of the work."
I blew my deadline big time and I'm hiding from my editor.
7. "I don't mind getting rejected."
What I mind is you asking me if I mind, of course I mind, everyone minds, idiot.
8. "My CP and I have decided to try working with other people."
My CP just landed a huge deal and dumped me.
9. "I loved working with my CP, and wish him the best of luck."
I just landed a huge deal and dumped my CP.
10. "I don't mind losing the Big Award to Much More Successful Author. She's a talented writer."
She bought the judges before I could, the bitch.
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
One Way to Help Now
I just posted a note about this over at Jo Leigh's blog, but I'll repeat it here for those who want to help out the victims of Hurricane Katrina.
Donating blood is one of the most important things you can do in the aftermath of a disaster. There are likely to be a huge number of casualties from Katrina, and the first thing hospitals always run out of is blood.
Routine blood donation drives in the southern part of the U.S. will also be badly disrupted by this storm -- we saw this last year after the four hurricanes that hit our state -- and medical facilities outside the disaster areas who send their inventory to relief areas will need help replacing their stock.
A pint of blood costs nothing but maybe twenty minutes of your time to donate, and it can actually save someone's life. If you're willing and able to donate, please do.
Donating blood is one of the most important things you can do in the aftermath of a disaster. There are likely to be a huge number of casualties from Katrina, and the first thing hospitals always run out of is blood.
Routine blood donation drives in the southern part of the U.S. will also be badly disrupted by this storm -- we saw this last year after the four hurricanes that hit our state -- and medical facilities outside the disaster areas who send their inventory to relief areas will need help replacing their stock.
A pint of blood costs nothing but maybe twenty minutes of your time to donate, and it can actually save someone's life. If you're willing and able to donate, please do.
Newsletters
When composing an author newsletter, consider the following:
1. Probably not a good idea to name your series with a word that unhappy readers will subsequently use to describe your writing.
2. Keep the predictions hopeful and minimal. May save you a lot of egg/face.
3. Refrain from begging.
4. Calling your unreleased novel ground-breaking is premature. Break the ground first, then take the credit.
5. Talking about your characters the same way you do real people can creep out the civilians.
6. Unless you're naturally funny, test all jokes on a real person first.
7. Gushing about yourself is like cheerleading in a church. A little goes a long way.
8. Whining about how busy you are does not create the illusion of glam.
9. False heartiness generally sounds false. If you can't be genuine without depressing the hell out of everyone, have the happiest person you know write the newsletter for you.
10. Quadruple-check the accuracy of the ISBN number, title, release date, and publisher of your novel. Also, check the spelling of your own name.
What bugs you guys about author newsletters?
1. Probably not a good idea to name your series with a word that unhappy readers will subsequently use to describe your writing.
2. Keep the predictions hopeful and minimal. May save you a lot of egg/face.
3. Refrain from begging.
4. Calling your unreleased novel ground-breaking is premature. Break the ground first, then take the credit.
5. Talking about your characters the same way you do real people can creep out the civilians.
6. Unless you're naturally funny, test all jokes on a real person first.
7. Gushing about yourself is like cheerleading in a church. A little goes a long way.
8. Whining about how busy you are does not create the illusion of glam.
9. False heartiness generally sounds false. If you can't be genuine without depressing the hell out of everyone, have the happiest person you know write the newsletter for you.
10. Quadruple-check the accuracy of the ISBN number, title, release date, and publisher of your novel. Also, check the spelling of your own name.
What bugs you guys about author newsletters?
Monday, August 29, 2005
Katrina Check In Spot
So far our respective clans are checking in and okay, although many family members and friends had to go to shelters, or are without power.
For those of you who are concerned about author Poppy Z. Brite, according to the last post on her LJ she and her husband left New Orleans before the storm and are in Mississippi.
I know some regular visitors here have also had to evacuate or are in the path of the storm. When you folks have time/power, please let us know you're okay in comments.
For those of you who are concerned about author Poppy Z. Brite, according to the last post on her LJ she and her husband left New Orleans before the storm and are in Mississippi.
I know some regular visitors here have also had to evacuate or are in the path of the storm. When you folks have time/power, please let us know you're okay in comments.
Gen Ten
Ten Things to Generate Ten Things
1. The Cat Name Generator
2. Coldplay X & Y Album Art Generator
3. The Historic Tale Construction Generator
4. The Jennifer Aniston Consolation Letter Generator
5. The Manhattan Socialite Name Generator
6. Neon Sign Generator
7. Pattern Generator
8. Poem Generator
9. The Strip Generator
10. The UK Identity Card Generator
All of the above links found at The Generator Blog.
1. The Cat Name Generator
2. Coldplay X & Y Album Art Generator
3. The Historic Tale Construction Generator
4. The Jennifer Aniston Consolation Letter Generator
5. The Manhattan Socialite Name Generator
6. Neon Sign Generator
7. Pattern Generator
8. Poem Generator
9. The Strip Generator
10. The UK Identity Card Generator
All of the above links found at The Generator Blog.
Sunday, August 28, 2005
Katrina
The latest advisory on Hurricane Katrina puts the storm about 250 miles south-southeast of the mouth of the Mississippi River.
Katrina has intensified to a category 5 storm, with winds of 160 mph. Hurricane force winds (75 mph or higher) extend 85 miles from the center of the storm. The hurricane still has time to strengthen and pick up speed as it moves north through the Gulf. Storm surge near the eye is expected at 25+ feet, with large, battering waves.
Only three category 5 hurricanes have hit the United States since we began to keep records on these storms:
1. 1935 -- Unnamed Labor Day Hurricane -- killed 600 people and wiped out the Florida Keys.
2. 1969 -- Hurricane Camille -- killed 500 to 1500 people along the Gulf Coast; caused $1 billion in damage
3. 1992 -- Hurricane Andrew -- killed 43 people; damages ran to $31 billion.
If you live within the projected path of this hurricane, please don't make the mistake of thinking you can ride this one out. Evacuate now.
Shelter locations, mandatory evacuation notices and other necessary information for Louisiana residents can be found at The Courier.
The latest information on the storm can be found at The National Hurricane Center
Keep safe, everyone. You can replace a house and belongings. We can't replace you.
Katrina has intensified to a category 5 storm, with winds of 160 mph. Hurricane force winds (75 mph or higher) extend 85 miles from the center of the storm. The hurricane still has time to strengthen and pick up speed as it moves north through the Gulf. Storm surge near the eye is expected at 25+ feet, with large, battering waves.
Only three category 5 hurricanes have hit the United States since we began to keep records on these storms:
1. 1935 -- Unnamed Labor Day Hurricane -- killed 600 people and wiped out the Florida Keys.
2. 1969 -- Hurricane Camille -- killed 500 to 1500 people along the Gulf Coast; caused $1 billion in damage
3. 1992 -- Hurricane Andrew -- killed 43 people; damages ran to $31 billion.
If you live within the projected path of this hurricane, please don't make the mistake of thinking you can ride this one out. Evacuate now.
Shelter locations, mandatory evacuation notices and other necessary information for Louisiana residents can be found at The Courier.
The latest information on the storm can be found at The National Hurricane Center
Keep safe, everyone. You can replace a house and belongings. We can't replace you.
Saturday, August 27, 2005
Short
For those who need a little inspiration, Daily Guideposts has one of my devotionals up on their website today (thanks for the heads-up, Wendy.)
Practice
A writer walks into a bar, sits down, orders a drink, and on impulse, one for the guy sitting beside him/her.
The man thanks the writer and says, "I'm [insert name of a much sought-after literary agent or publishing editor]. What's your name?"
Now the writer happens to be you (and yes, I know for some of you [Stuart, John, James] this is not a big stretch) and after you're sure you're not going to choke on your choice of beverage, you introduce yourself . . . and casually mention you're a writer.
Much Sought-After nods. "Nice to meet you. So, what are you working on?"
Now, in twenty-five words or less, how do you answer him? Tell us in comments.
The man thanks the writer and says, "I'm [insert name of a much sought-after literary agent or publishing editor]. What's your name?"
Now the writer happens to be you (and yes, I know for some of you [Stuart, John, James] this is not a big stretch) and after you're sure you're not going to choke on your choice of beverage, you introduce yourself . . . and casually mention you're a writer.
Much Sought-After nods. "Nice to meet you. So, what are you working on?"
Now, in twenty-five words or less, how do you answer him? Tell us in comments.
Friday, August 26, 2005
Tess Who?
I've mentioned before how classy NYT bestselling author Tess Gerritsen is, but if you really want to fall in love with her, read her latest blog post Lessons in Humility from the Road.
Insouciance
The Guardian's Tim Clare throws down on the rampant idealism in the publishing industry:
The truth is a disproportionate number of publishers are wide-eyed idealists with a frightening propensity for chucking good money after bad. As much as agents and editors may feign a cool professional insouciance, most dream of stumbling across The Next Big Thing and securing their place in industry history.
Personally I think the Next Big Thing is Tim Clare. Check it out: he's not fooled by any of that annoying insouciance being peddled by the wide-eyed and stumbling -- obviously too cool for that -- and he's not going to leap at any of that good or bad money they're chucking about.
Not counting the money he was advanced for his first novel, of course.
Queuing is what made our nation great. If anything, the British publishing industry is too open to new writers at the expense of skilled stalwarts.
I do need some Transatlantic help interpreting this part: is this skilled stalwart with a whole one book under his belt actually saying that standing in line is what made Britain Great? I always thought forcing King John to sign the Magna Carta was more on the great side, but I'm distracted by nations granting silly things like basic rights and so forth.
Picking authors before they're ripe represents a bad deal for all concerned.
So we're . . . tomatoes? Bananas? Apples? What about those of us who have been irradiated?
Unless prospective authors are prepared to take a responsible approach to finding a readership and a stable place in the market, publishers would do well to move towards GP Taylor's vision of the industry as an exclusive club with clientele by invitation only and undesirables left to squabble among themselves in the street.
The responsible approach being standing in line and waiting until someone (Tim?) decides you're worthy of picking, I guess. If nothing else, it certainly eliminates all those idiotic writers' hopes and dreams. Whoever is left becomes, what, literary writers?
Aha!
The truth is a disproportionate number of publishers are wide-eyed idealists with a frightening propensity for chucking good money after bad. As much as agents and editors may feign a cool professional insouciance, most dream of stumbling across The Next Big Thing and securing their place in industry history.
Personally I think the Next Big Thing is Tim Clare. Check it out: he's not fooled by any of that annoying insouciance being peddled by the wide-eyed and stumbling -- obviously too cool for that -- and he's not going to leap at any of that good or bad money they're chucking about.
Not counting the money he was advanced for his first novel, of course.
Queuing is what made our nation great. If anything, the British publishing industry is too open to new writers at the expense of skilled stalwarts.
I do need some Transatlantic help interpreting this part: is this skilled stalwart with a whole one book under his belt actually saying that standing in line is what made Britain Great? I always thought forcing King John to sign the Magna Carta was more on the great side, but I'm distracted by nations granting silly things like basic rights and so forth.
Picking authors before they're ripe represents a bad deal for all concerned.
So we're . . . tomatoes? Bananas? Apples? What about those of us who have been irradiated?
Unless prospective authors are prepared to take a responsible approach to finding a readership and a stable place in the market, publishers would do well to move towards GP Taylor's vision of the industry as an exclusive club with clientele by invitation only and undesirables left to squabble among themselves in the street.
The responsible approach being standing in line and waiting until someone (Tim?) decides you're worthy of picking, I guess. If nothing else, it certainly eliminates all those idiotic writers' hopes and dreams. Whoever is left becomes, what, literary writers?
Aha!
Thursday, August 25, 2005
Miscellaneous
Kate Rothwell reports that RWA has informed Medallion Press that, oops, their status as a publisher was revoked in error. Which is wonderful to hear, seeing that very hot author Beth Ciotta has just sold two books to MP, in addition to the three novels she just sold to Harlequin HQN.
Like Kate, I wouldn't stand behind a bike if RWA is riding it. Sincere congratulations to Beth Ciotta; this couldn't have happened to a nicer person. Unless Mary Stella sells five books next week, in which case we'll declare a tie.
Cynthia Harrison may call herself unkind names on occasion, but she has an excellent post about negative reviews here that speculates on the psyche behind the snark. Over at the Lipstick Chronicles, four women readers calling themselves DotMoms talk about how little reviews influence their book purchases.
Thoughts, opinions, anyone want to know what Beth's been eating for breakfast lately? Comments are enabled; let's see if the hate mongers have moved on.
Like Kate, I wouldn't stand behind a bike if RWA is riding it. Sincere congratulations to Beth Ciotta; this couldn't have happened to a nicer person. Unless Mary Stella sells five books next week, in which case we'll declare a tie.
Cynthia Harrison may call herself unkind names on occasion, but she has an excellent post about negative reviews here that speculates on the psyche behind the snark. Over at the Lipstick Chronicles, four women readers calling themselves DotMoms talk about how little reviews influence their book purchases.
Thoughts, opinions, anyone want to know what Beth's been eating for breakfast lately? Comments are enabled; let's see if the hate mongers have moved on.
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
Synopsis Five
Five Ways to Improve Your Novel Synopsis
1. Eliminate excess adverbs and adjectives: write as spare and clean as you can. When you give someone directions, you don’t tell them what color all of the other houses on your block are.
2. Create catch-phrases and buzz words: present ideas in short form as much as possible. Example: "She was raised by nuns until she came of age to inherit her family fortune" can be converted into "convent-schooled heiress."
3. Read TV Guide and movie listings: this sounds funny, but it’s an excellent way to learn how to condense. Hollywood can reduce a two hour movie into a single ten-word sentence and still make it sound exciting.
4. Tell someone about your novel: "talking out" your book with someone else can help tremendously. See if they can follow your plotline as you describe your book, and listen to the questions they ask. What they want to know should probably be in your synopsis.
5. Practice using other writers’ books: if you’re too anxious about writing a synopsis for your novel, try writing one about someone else’s book. Make it one of your favorite books and you’ll be surprised by how much you know and how easy it is to write.
1. Eliminate excess adverbs and adjectives: write as spare and clean as you can. When you give someone directions, you don’t tell them what color all of the other houses on your block are.
2. Create catch-phrases and buzz words: present ideas in short form as much as possible. Example: "She was raised by nuns until she came of age to inherit her family fortune" can be converted into "convent-schooled heiress."
3. Read TV Guide and movie listings: this sounds funny, but it’s an excellent way to learn how to condense. Hollywood can reduce a two hour movie into a single ten-word sentence and still make it sound exciting.
4. Tell someone about your novel: "talking out" your book with someone else can help tremendously. See if they can follow your plotline as you describe your book, and listen to the questions they ask. What they want to know should probably be in your synopsis.
5. Practice using other writers’ books: if you’re too anxious about writing a synopsis for your novel, try writing one about someone else’s book. Make it one of your favorite books and you’ll be surprised by how much you know and how easy it is to write.
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Tyranny
The Guardian's Hester Lacey defends people who don't care to read, while Ed Gorman sees them as the saddest aspect of the current state of our industry.
I could write a long essay about my own opinion, which tends to be way out in left field on this issue, but I decided instead to go downstairs and box up books to send to people.
I am a tyrant about getting books into people's hands. On average, I give away between 50-100 books a month. About half go to my readers, friends, and family members, but the rest I send to libraries, schools, reading groups and charities. Only 20% are books I've written; the rest are books I've bought, read, and pass along, new books by authors I want to promote, or new books I buy to help out a school or library. Books are also my favorite birthday and holiday gifts, followed by bookstore gift cards. No matter who's on the list, I always find what I want for someone in a book store.
600 to 1200 books a year is a tiny raindrop in the big pail of publishing, but if one person begins reading more books as a result, that's one person we didn't have.
When was the last time you gave someone a book? Look around the house, are there books gathering dust and silverfish somewhere you could donate to a school or library? Are your author copies turning musty and yellow sitting in a box in the closet? If you love books, be a tyrant about it.
I could write a long essay about my own opinion, which tends to be way out in left field on this issue, but I decided instead to go downstairs and box up books to send to people.
I am a tyrant about getting books into people's hands. On average, I give away between 50-100 books a month. About half go to my readers, friends, and family members, but the rest I send to libraries, schools, reading groups and charities. Only 20% are books I've written; the rest are books I've bought, read, and pass along, new books by authors I want to promote, or new books I buy to help out a school or library. Books are also my favorite birthday and holiday gifts, followed by bookstore gift cards. No matter who's on the list, I always find what I want for someone in a book store.
600 to 1200 books a year is a tiny raindrop in the big pail of publishing, but if one person begins reading more books as a result, that's one person we didn't have.
When was the last time you gave someone a book? Look around the house, are there books gathering dust and silverfish somewhere you could donate to a school or library? Are your author copies turning musty and yellow sitting in a box in the closet? If you love books, be a tyrant about it.
Monday, August 22, 2005
Health Ten
Ten Things to Improve Writer Health
1. AAOS's illustrated guide to Back Pain Exercises.
2. Terry Burns' links page on Health Care and Benefits for Writers.
3. DVC's Stress Reduction Exercises.
4. Exercises to help with Strengthening the Lower Trapezius Muscle -- that's the one in your shoulders that keeps getting knotted up.
5. Fitter First's article Ten Tips for a Healthy and Active Work Environment.
6. Information on Carpal Tunnel Syndrome can be found here, along with excellent recommendations on prevention through exercise, work changes, and proper use of suitable equipment.
7. Patricia King's article Is Work Ruining Your Diet? Five Ways to Practice Healthful Eating from 9 to 5.
8. Medicinenet.com's article Obesity May Begin at the Office points out the weight hazards to writers and other desk workers.
9. Dr. Joseph Mercola's How to Stay Healthy While Working in an Office--Six Important Tips.
10. MindTools.com's Memory Improvement Tools.
1. AAOS's illustrated guide to Back Pain Exercises.
2. Terry Burns' links page on Health Care and Benefits for Writers.
3. DVC's Stress Reduction Exercises.
4. Exercises to help with Strengthening the Lower Trapezius Muscle -- that's the one in your shoulders that keeps getting knotted up.
5. Fitter First's article Ten Tips for a Healthy and Active Work Environment.
6. Information on Carpal Tunnel Syndrome can be found here, along with excellent recommendations on prevention through exercise, work changes, and proper use of suitable equipment.
7. Patricia King's article Is Work Ruining Your Diet? Five Ways to Practice Healthful Eating from 9 to 5.
8. Medicinenet.com's article Obesity May Begin at the Office points out the weight hazards to writers and other desk workers.
9. Dr. Joseph Mercola's How to Stay Healthy While Working in an Office--Six Important Tips.
10. MindTools.com's Memory Improvement Tools.
Friday, August 19, 2005
BlogWorld
BSL Neighbor: Majorie M. Liu's novel A Taste of Crimson hit the USA Today bestseller list, debuting at the #119 spot. She's also got pics from WorldCon and new cover art up over at her place, so go, admire.
Billionaire Neighbors: Donald Trump has started a weblog, as has Mark Cuban, owner of the Dallas Mavericks. Next thing you know Bill Gates will start one (and please let me know if he does, because I have a real problem with some of the crap Microsoft Word does to a manuscript with tracked changes.)
In the News Neighbors: Anti-war activist Cindy Sheehan, who with her many supporters is presently camped outside President Bush's ranch in Crawford, Texas, is blogging about her cause over at the Huffington Post. I haven't seen any links to Huffington out there since its much-hyped initiation (disclaimer: I don't read many political blogs; Arianna and her starry pals may be getting all kinds of linkage and traffic from the blues and reds.)
Random thoughts: Marjorie's X-Men cover is cool. Trump sure likes to talk about Trump. I don't know if celebrity blogs are worth it. They always get a great deal of attention at first, and then most of them seem to fade away. About the only celebrity blogger who seems to maintain a steady audience is Will Wheaton, but he's a decent writer, and doesn't use his film/TV fame as a blogcrutch. Sure, it gets you there, but you come back for the writing.
Maybe that's the reason. The blogworld is a Field of Dreams; if you're a star they will come, but if you can't play ball, off they will go.
Billionaire Neighbors: Donald Trump has started a weblog, as has Mark Cuban, owner of the Dallas Mavericks. Next thing you know Bill Gates will start one (and please let me know if he does, because I have a real problem with some of the crap Microsoft Word does to a manuscript with tracked changes.)
In the News Neighbors: Anti-war activist Cindy Sheehan, who with her many supporters is presently camped outside President Bush's ranch in Crawford, Texas, is blogging about her cause over at the Huffington Post. I haven't seen any links to Huffington out there since its much-hyped initiation (disclaimer: I don't read many political blogs; Arianna and her starry pals may be getting all kinds of linkage and traffic from the blues and reds.)
Random thoughts: Marjorie's X-Men cover is cool. Trump sure likes to talk about Trump. I don't know if celebrity blogs are worth it. They always get a great deal of attention at first, and then most of them seem to fade away. About the only celebrity blogger who seems to maintain a steady audience is Will Wheaton, but he's a decent writer, and doesn't use his film/TV fame as a blogcrutch. Sure, it gets you there, but you come back for the writing.
Maybe that's the reason. The blogworld is a Field of Dreams; if you're a star they will come, but if you can't play ball, off they will go.
Step Aside, Atwood
Authors, need some help getting that next book tour rolling? Funny lady Patricia Storms of Booklust has drawn up a brilliant collection of Inventions for Authors.
Thank you, Patricia -- and I'd like to order some of #42, as long as it's unscented. Not like you'd want to wear it with the natural scent . . .
Thank you, Patricia -- and I'd like to order some of #42, as long as it's unscented. Not like you'd want to wear it with the natural scent . . .
Thursday, August 18, 2005
Jerk Appeal
Ed Gorman talks about stupidity as an advertising tool, and reminds us that while we can all appreciate the gambolings of fools now and then, the annoyance factor may be a consumer repellent.
I have to admit, I appreciate parody, satire, and gentle self-deprecation, particularly when it's done by intelligent men. Call me sexist, but smart humor from a fine male mind catches my attention like no muscle-bound HeDude ever could. Dennis Miller versus Arnold Schwarzenegger: who wins? No contest; Dennis, of course. Dennis makes me laugh and makes me think. Arnold only makes me renew my oath never to join a gym or live in California again.
On the screen, intelligent, funny actors from Will Rogers to Will Smith have always been irresistable to me. When I was a kid, my Sunday mornings were wrapped up in the wit of the cartoonists, whether they were gentle chiders like Charles M. Schulz, or razor-edged political dobermen like G.B. Trudeau (who evidently doesn't think too much of bloggers.)
Likewise I enriched many youthful hours by soaking up print by funny guy writers. My favorites were tales by O. Henry and verse by Ogden Nash. Today I tend to go more for nonfictioners like Peter Mayle and Bill Bryson, but every now and then I'll break out some Oscar Wilde or Ambrose Bierce.
On the flip side, I can't stand stupid men who have no sense of humor (I won't irritate your corneas by linking to a certain joyless repeat offender here.) The only thing worse is a man who thinks acting like a moron is a replacement for wit (remember the guy who claimed women are too stupid to write SF? Him and his Rush 24/7 member buddies.)
Still, if you really want to see me break out in hives, make me watch a Stupid Guy movie. These are the flicks where the lead actor is simply a wandering idiot who can do nothing right even when he's given instructions written in words of two syllables or less. In other words, pretty much everything Jim Carrey has done since The Mask. Or the Group of Stupid Guys movies, with pairs or trios or quartets of these brainless beauties, bumbling along, always on some sort of quest more absurd than they are. Two of the most memorably idiotic: Dude, Where's My Car?, a lame one-line joke that stopped being funny in the 90's, stretched out over eighty-three minutes and could not be saved, not even by Ashton Kutcher's pretty face,; and Kingpin, which I didn't actually see because just watching the trailer was enough to make me run for the epinephrine.
I don't see much jerk advertising in the publishing industry, but then again, I don't subscribe to the trades. That Twelve Hawks author with the whole secret identity thing came pretty close, and Ed Gorman's theory holds, as the hype evidently didn't sell as many books as the publisher had hoped. Didn't that seem really silly anyway? Like an idea cooked up by someone who watched the Matrix movies too many times and buys Neo clothes off eBay.
More reading: One of the finest satirists I've read on the web (but alas, no relation to Yours Truly) and author of the infamous internet parody, French Intellectuals in Afghanistan, Michael Kelly.
I have to admit, I appreciate parody, satire, and gentle self-deprecation, particularly when it's done by intelligent men. Call me sexist, but smart humor from a fine male mind catches my attention like no muscle-bound HeDude ever could. Dennis Miller versus Arnold Schwarzenegger: who wins? No contest; Dennis, of course. Dennis makes me laugh and makes me think. Arnold only makes me renew my oath never to join a gym or live in California again.
On the screen, intelligent, funny actors from Will Rogers to Will Smith have always been irresistable to me. When I was a kid, my Sunday mornings were wrapped up in the wit of the cartoonists, whether they were gentle chiders like Charles M. Schulz, or razor-edged political dobermen like G.B. Trudeau (who evidently doesn't think too much of bloggers.)
Likewise I enriched many youthful hours by soaking up print by funny guy writers. My favorites were tales by O. Henry and verse by Ogden Nash. Today I tend to go more for nonfictioners like Peter Mayle and Bill Bryson, but every now and then I'll break out some Oscar Wilde or Ambrose Bierce.
On the flip side, I can't stand stupid men who have no sense of humor (I won't irritate your corneas by linking to a certain joyless repeat offender here.) The only thing worse is a man who thinks acting like a moron is a replacement for wit (remember the guy who claimed women are too stupid to write SF? Him and his Rush 24/7 member buddies.)
Still, if you really want to see me break out in hives, make me watch a Stupid Guy movie. These are the flicks where the lead actor is simply a wandering idiot who can do nothing right even when he's given instructions written in words of two syllables or less. In other words, pretty much everything Jim Carrey has done since The Mask. Or the Group of Stupid Guys movies, with pairs or trios or quartets of these brainless beauties, bumbling along, always on some sort of quest more absurd than they are. Two of the most memorably idiotic: Dude, Where's My Car?, a lame one-line joke that stopped being funny in the 90's, stretched out over eighty-three minutes and could not be saved, not even by Ashton Kutcher's pretty face,; and Kingpin, which I didn't actually see because just watching the trailer was enough to make me run for the epinephrine.
I don't see much jerk advertising in the publishing industry, but then again, I don't subscribe to the trades. That Twelve Hawks author with the whole secret identity thing came pretty close, and Ed Gorman's theory holds, as the hype evidently didn't sell as many books as the publisher had hoped. Didn't that seem really silly anyway? Like an idea cooked up by someone who watched the Matrix movies too many times and buys Neo clothes off eBay.
More reading: One of the finest satirists I've read on the web (but alas, no relation to Yours Truly) and author of the infamous internet parody, French Intellectuals in Afghanistan, Michael Kelly.
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
Market Ops
AbsoluteWrite.com has a freebie market listing/links page here with very brief descriptions on type and payment. Absolute offers a much more extensive weekly e-mail market listing via their $15/yr premium subscription service.
Tin House, which pays fairly decent amounts for one-time anthology rights, is presently accepting unagented fiction, nonfiction and poetry for their "All Apologies" Winter 2006 issue:
"ALL APOLOGIES." Fiction, nonfiction, poetry, interviews, profiles, and food and drink writing relating to apologies, confessions, or regrets. Deadline: September 30, 2005. On stands January 1, through March 31, 2006.
Aside from this antho, Tin House's regular reading session for unagented material is September through May. There are a couple of other upcoming anthos listed, including one themed "Un-American" which will feature all non-U.S. writers.
Spicy Green Iguana maintains a good writers market page here, with a range of categories including prozine, semiprozine and small press listings that appear to be regularly updated.
Tin House, which pays fairly decent amounts for one-time anthology rights, is presently accepting unagented fiction, nonfiction and poetry for their "All Apologies" Winter 2006 issue:
"ALL APOLOGIES." Fiction, nonfiction, poetry, interviews, profiles, and food and drink writing relating to apologies, confessions, or regrets. Deadline: September 30, 2005. On stands January 1, through March 31, 2006.
Aside from this antho, Tin House's regular reading session for unagented material is September through May. There are a couple of other upcoming anthos listed, including one themed "Un-American" which will feature all non-U.S. writers.
Spicy Green Iguana maintains a good writers market page here, with a range of categories including prozine, semiprozine and small press listings that appear to be regularly updated.
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
Retreats
I first learned about writers' retreats when I discovered Henry, a guy who lived and wrote alone in a modest ten-foot square cabin he built out of pine and hickory in a forest near Concord, Massachusetts, next to a little pond called Walden.
Thoreau was not the first writer to seek eccentric solitude, and writers continue to create in remote, unusual places. According to Random House, fantasy author Philip Pullman writes "...in a shed at the bottom of his garden. The shed contains two comfortable chairs (one for writing in, one for sitting at the computer in), several hundred books, a six-foot-long stuffed rat which took a part in his play Sherlock Holmes and the Limehouse Horror, a guitar, a saxophone, as well as the computer, decorated with dozens of brightly coloured artificial flowers attached to it by Blu-Tack."
Pullman's retreat seems luxurious when you compare it to that of Roald Dahl, creator of Willy Wonka and author of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Dahl wrote his novels in a small shed hidden behind his greenhouse. A plastic curtain blocked the view from the shed's only window while he sat in an old armchair and wrote. For a footstool, he filled an old suitcase with wood and kept it kept tied to the legs of the chair so it was never out of position. Dahl wrote with six yellow pencils (always six, never more, never less) kept in a jar beside him, a legal pad, a Thermos of coffee, heaters to keep his hands warm and a pencil sharpener.
Today most writers keep their lawn and gardening equipment in their sheds and instead work in their homes. Full-time writers usually set up a home office, but it isn't a prerequisite. The take-along convenience of today's laptop, PDA and wireless technology make places like coffee shops and libraries into popular spots for writers who want a retreat away from home.
Do writers need a retreat? I think it depends on the writer. Some writers seem unable to function unless, like Pullman and Dahl, they write in complete isolation. Sitting in a crowded cafe with a hundred conversations buzzing around your head doesn't seem like a terrific work atmosphere, but I know a lot of writers who say they do their best work under just those conditions. I've watched others sign into writer chatrooms where they pop in and out while working, talk about writing and cheer each other on, and they seem equally productive.
If you're 100% happy with your writing environment, then you've already found the perfect retreat. If you're not, or you find you're not writing well, look around you. Is there something getting between you and the work? Pay attention to what you do as you write. What do you find yourself staring at and listening to when you're not writing? Is it keeping you from concentrating? What distractions can you can remove from your work space?
I'm not a shed lover, but I do write at a small desk that holds only my work computer. I'd estimate my total work area is about four feet square. Because colors, patterns, and movement distract me easily, over time I've uncluttered my visual field. When I write now, I face a blank white wall. I've been downsizing desks over the years as well, and my current work station is only big enough to hold my computer. It's also on wheels, so I can unplug and move my computer to another spot in the house without a lot of fuss.
Making your own writing retreat can be tough for a person with a day job, kids, a spouse, partner, pets, etc. Because space and time are usually a premium, you have to work harder to make some for yourself. The most important thing about creating your own retreat is first to ask for it. Those who share your life should always know when and where you write, and respect both.
Whether you write alone in an attic corner, or in the middle of the biggest coffee shop in town on Ladies' Free Latte Night, make sure your retreat is a comfortable fit for you -- even if you need a six-foot-long stuffed rat to make it that way.
More reading: Rich Turner's article In Defense of Solitude.
Thoreau was not the first writer to seek eccentric solitude, and writers continue to create in remote, unusual places. According to Random House, fantasy author Philip Pullman writes "...in a shed at the bottom of his garden. The shed contains two comfortable chairs (one for writing in, one for sitting at the computer in), several hundred books, a six-foot-long stuffed rat which took a part in his play Sherlock Holmes and the Limehouse Horror, a guitar, a saxophone, as well as the computer, decorated with dozens of brightly coloured artificial flowers attached to it by Blu-Tack."
Pullman's retreat seems luxurious when you compare it to that of Roald Dahl, creator of Willy Wonka and author of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Dahl wrote his novels in a small shed hidden behind his greenhouse. A plastic curtain blocked the view from the shed's only window while he sat in an old armchair and wrote. For a footstool, he filled an old suitcase with wood and kept it kept tied to the legs of the chair so it was never out of position. Dahl wrote with six yellow pencils (always six, never more, never less) kept in a jar beside him, a legal pad, a Thermos of coffee, heaters to keep his hands warm and a pencil sharpener.
Today most writers keep their lawn and gardening equipment in their sheds and instead work in their homes. Full-time writers usually set up a home office, but it isn't a prerequisite. The take-along convenience of today's laptop, PDA and wireless technology make places like coffee shops and libraries into popular spots for writers who want a retreat away from home.
Do writers need a retreat? I think it depends on the writer. Some writers seem unable to function unless, like Pullman and Dahl, they write in complete isolation. Sitting in a crowded cafe with a hundred conversations buzzing around your head doesn't seem like a terrific work atmosphere, but I know a lot of writers who say they do their best work under just those conditions. I've watched others sign into writer chatrooms where they pop in and out while working, talk about writing and cheer each other on, and they seem equally productive.
If you're 100% happy with your writing environment, then you've already found the perfect retreat. If you're not, or you find you're not writing well, look around you. Is there something getting between you and the work? Pay attention to what you do as you write. What do you find yourself staring at and listening to when you're not writing? Is it keeping you from concentrating? What distractions can you can remove from your work space?
I'm not a shed lover, but I do write at a small desk that holds only my work computer. I'd estimate my total work area is about four feet square. Because colors, patterns, and movement distract me easily, over time I've uncluttered my visual field. When I write now, I face a blank white wall. I've been downsizing desks over the years as well, and my current work station is only big enough to hold my computer. It's also on wheels, so I can unplug and move my computer to another spot in the house without a lot of fuss.
Making your own writing retreat can be tough for a person with a day job, kids, a spouse, partner, pets, etc. Because space and time are usually a premium, you have to work harder to make some for yourself. The most important thing about creating your own retreat is first to ask for it. Those who share your life should always know when and where you write, and respect both.
Whether you write alone in an attic corner, or in the middle of the biggest coffee shop in town on Ladies' Free Latte Night, make sure your retreat is a comfortable fit for you -- even if you need a six-foot-long stuffed rat to make it that way.
More reading: Rich Turner's article In Defense of Solitude.
Monday, August 15, 2005
Online Ten
Ten Things for Writers Online
1. Bartleby.com hosts an online version of Strunk's 1918 reference classic The Elements of Style -- the section on how to omit needless words is a good one.
2. Robert W. Bly's Daily Doses -- an article on how to "Land more writing clients by taking advantage of the latest (and easiest) marketing tool."
3. Jim Eccleston's mammoth writer link site, The Electric Eclectic.
4. Evelyn Farbman's online textbook Sentence Sense.
5. For cyber doodling, GE's Imagination Cubed.
6. Judith Moyer's Step-by-Step Guide to Oral History.
7. Grammar resources from SharpWriter.com.
8. William Shunn's proper manuscript formatting for novels, short stories and poetry.
9. The U.S. Department of Labor's Bureau of Labor Statistics' Writers and Editors page -- of particular interest, the section on earnings.
10. The University of Richmond's Writer's Web.
1. Bartleby.com hosts an online version of Strunk's 1918 reference classic The Elements of Style -- the section on how to omit needless words is a good one.
2. Robert W. Bly's Daily Doses -- an article on how to "Land more writing clients by taking advantage of the latest (and easiest) marketing tool."
3. Jim Eccleston's mammoth writer link site, The Electric Eclectic.
4. Evelyn Farbman's online textbook Sentence Sense.
5. For cyber doodling, GE's Imagination Cubed.
6. Judith Moyer's Step-by-Step Guide to Oral History.
7. Grammar resources from SharpWriter.com.
8. William Shunn's proper manuscript formatting for novels, short stories and poetry.
9. The U.S. Department of Labor's Bureau of Labor Statistics' Writers and Editors page -- of particular interest, the section on earnings.
10. The University of Richmond's Writer's Web.
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